"a season to wonder"

Every time i go to church these days i am so constrained by the spirit to get involved. i have purposely withdrawn myself from the ministry to focus on the more important things in life for a season. It seems that my heart has grown hard toward the calls of god in my life. I know some day i will once again press in to the ministry with all i have yet i feel now is still not the time.

I know to many that seems like foolish and a lame attitude but i understand it quite well, at least in my state of callousness. I believe God is still teaching me in this time of wilderness and i think it will still be a while before i dive deep into the call of god once again. As bad as i want to share of the depths of god through teaching and worship i can hardly make it through a sermon without feeling annoyed by the lack of tact and preparation by the one teaching.

However, i am still pressing on with what jesus has placed before me at this time in life. I will press on, i will continue to grow as a person, a husband, a father, and a child of god. My faith is as real as it's ever been only my heart is the one being called and challenged to engage, to fight and compete for the his mission.

"I love $$money$$"

So I think I am an investor in the stock market yet I only own about $2000 worth of actual stock. I spend $9.95 to buy and sell per trade and I think I've spent more on those commissions than I've made through investing. My point is that even if I was a real investor and had $20,000 - $2,000,000 invested I would still be looking and wanting the same thing; financial security. As a business owner I will be lucky even to reach a net worth of $2,000,000 let alone have that much in liquid assets (stock, real estate, cash, savings).

There is this guy named Dave Ramsey who is a financial guru of sorts and a claimed follower of Jesus. You can find him weeknights on the Fox Business Network sharing his thoughts and ideologies to call in people throughout the country. His deal is legit, he teaches, no debt - no credit cards - start from nothing and use only cash. As much as I like his stuff I can't help but to think there is more to life than financial security.

We all work, we all strive, we all reach for our goals in life but I think true satisfaction lies in the present; otherwise we'll never reach it. Jesus taught us to strive for eternity, to look heavenward, and set our mind and thoughts to the afterlife. As much as I forget those simple teachings I am reminded of them every time I buy a share of stock and it drops by 10%. I realize how futile my bank account has become and how eternal the love of God is and will always be.

We may never learn in this life the simplicity of living for Jesus but I hope by the time I reach my deathbed I will have lived content and been satisfied.

"Once Again"

It's hard to believe that I have been given the urge to begin sharing my thoughts again. As I look over the last few years of my life, where I have come from to where I am going I'm really at a loss. I have accomplished much yet I still feel a longing for something more. I'm never quite satisfied each day I wake up, I am always longing for what I once had or something similar. Not necessarily looking to the past but only guessing for what the future holds.

I have spent time in church, in the bars, at the casinos, along the river, with the saved and the unsaved, trying to figure out the point of my life. I am still looking...

However, my relationship with my wife and children have become bonds so strong only death could bring them to an end. They are the prize of my life, they are my passion, my drive for this season, without them I would be helpless. Christ should be that bond and thankfully he has created and purposed it but my heart is still hurting from all my experience and lack thereof.

As I press on in life I hope to continue here blogging as i once did...

Peace, Wes_Line