I am not depressed.

2021 was a bit more difficult yet empowering then I had hoped.

1. I made and lost over 2 million in net worth. It was like a rollercoaster ride and my dopamine levels have been fried. I tried to master the markets, both equities and crypto. At the end of 2020 I thought I was was genius. I was overly giving and continued to pour out riches on anyone that was connected to me. I exited my business only to be slapped with a lawsuit that's still ongoing and on top of that 3 million in cash has been held back from the purchase price. In 2022 I plan to decrease my losses and stay fixed on risk management. 

 2. My drug addiction took a turn the last couple years and finally at the end of 2021 things have become sobering. For many years I find myself continually and habitually high on mind altering drugs. It's an issue I've had since childhood and really its highest point of slavery hit a point this year and can go no higher. Today and to the best of my current ability I see a life of sobriety, care for myself, and love extending from me to others. 

 3. Humility was the main lesson for 2021. Building my business, being an influence, having no boss or investors to please, etc. I was at the top and was respected and honored as a super hero. Within me I knew others were just projecting their infatuation toward me and once I took the step to exit the world I created came crashing down. I was depressed and fearful for almost and entire decade while building a business and serving others. My reputation was decimated, my power was silenced, my ability to influence gone. As if I lost all that I worked for the last 10 years. 

Yet, what I lost in reputation, influence, and support I gained within. I gained a broken ego, a loss of imposter syndrome and the greatest gain was the loss of depression. I am no longer depressed. I spent the last 10+ years living in fear, discomfort, and inner rejection. Once I took a stand for the inner turmoil in the eyes of society and in turn endured their rejection I rose from the ashes with my heart and mind in equanimity and the pressure from the external world disappeared. It did take about 16 months to notice the change fully but now, looking back, I find that I am no longer afraid, fearful or worried about the judgment or ridicule of other and/or society. 

 When you can dissolve the fear within you the pain and suffering disappears. How to do that? It's close to impossible in today's modern world but yet that's the story of my life here on earth, making the impossible possible. 

 My advice if it's desired...Your greatest fears become your future realties. That which you fear is attracted to you. So, learn to fear nothing and you will have no depression. Or allow the universe and society to kill your reputation and anything public you stand for and find inner joy in being rather than doing and you'll live a life of clarity and deep lasting joy that is, at all times, reachable. 

 Not an easy year but instead of calling it difficult let's just call it empowering.

My friend Herion

Well. It's been 5 years and here I am again addicted to my old friend Heroin. This time however it's only been a short lived relationship that has lasted two months. My last dose is today and I will be in withdrawal within the next 24 hours. This time it's a lot different than last. 1. I've sold my multimillion dollar business for 9 million dollars. 2. I have become a bitcoin millionaire. 3. I am semi retired. 4. I am 44 years old. Last time I was addicted was 2016 and it was a difficult yet fulfilling year. Back then I was just getting started in the money game. I was experimenting in the law of attraction and living without awareness about much of life. I was audited and had to pay some large fees. I cheated on my wife. I had a lot to cover up due to fear and shame. This time Covid happened. My business suffered but due to my desire to exit. I just exited recklessly taking the ship down with me. Also Bitcoin exploded. Last time I covered up and numbed out the pain. This time i covered up and numbed out the stress. Last time it was fear this time it was stress. Something like that. I don't really know but as these next few days and weeks continue i do believe I'll get the insight to know why and what the root cause is. The amount of things I learned over the last 5 years has been tremendous. I mean life changing concepts. Not only that but then those concepts even breaking down and the deeper and deeper I go. The learning has never stopped. So, the next few days will be pretty painful. I am ready. The next few weeks will be very challenging but I can't wait to gain the insight. The next few months will be the most challenging of my life but I have been preparing my whole life for what is about to come and ready or not here I am. What I focus on: 1. Money. The issue with my relationship to money is about to shift in dramatic ways. The number 100 million has been entering my mind lately and as far fetched as that sounds and as impossible as it sounds I know that it's mine. I don't know how I am going to receive this money or be in relationship with it but it is in my future and very near future. I have been put in hyper speed when it comes to the capacity to open the gates to the reception of this money and it's management. 2. Learn. I know this sounds odd but I am here to learn. And learn a lot and learn constantly. Usually it's some idea or thing I am interested in but my current and most recent purpose in life is to learn for the sake of learning. It might not seem like a great purpose but it is why I am here. Not to teach, not to write for others, not even to make money off of it but solely to just learn for my own well being and desire. I am here to learn as much as I can about as many things as I can. 3. Health. This area of life is going to be the game changer for me and my future. It's the one area of life that I have not mastered. All other areas I have excelled in throughout my life. But for some reason when it comes to my body and health overall I am not focused. If I was to change my life through health it would radically change who I am and the direction of my life. This will be the hardest thing for me to realize but it goes in tandem with me and my relationship with this 100 million that is reserved fro me. 4. Family. My lifeblood. They are my life. Mostly now, now that I've exited my business. Their well being, their health, their future and desires are what give me ultimate joy and fulfillment. I am eternally grateful for their love and support and everything good I do is done with them in mind. So, as I progress and make it through this new heroine addiction these are the 4 things I will be working on and opening up in my mind and heart. These things absolutely and entirely equal and even surpass the benefits of being numbed out with he greatest drug man can ingest. To be smart, wealthy, handsome and supported by a loving family are definitely worth giving up my relationship with my old friend. As I get through his I may post here and there but ultimately my life is about to shift in radical ways and I want to be ready and prepared for the opportunity that is on it's way. Much love!

If I would just follow the the direction. That is all. It's plain as day always guiding me. The day I take action and follow what I am being told it would all be good. The fulfillment I am wanting, the honorable life I desire, and the true gratitude would be given. While it's so easy I choose not to listen. I don't follow. I don't take action. Today I ask for some divine work to take place in my life. I know what to do, I just need the strength to do it. I see the path, I know the way to go. I want to be me, the true me. The me that is eternal, the me that is creative, the me that is grateful.

Luke 6:38 says, "Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.”

This is one of the many verses most people have heard or read. It's pretty straight forward and seems simple enough but I find it's one the hardest things to practice. I've been very selfish through my life. Afraid to give what I considered mine. I've held close to me all my possessions, my money, my properties, my barn full of things.

The last thing I want to do is give any of it away. Yet, I am pressed time and time again to give what I consider mine. At first I'm reluctant, then I consider it, then I give it grudgingly, then I break down and offer it wholeheartedly.

And when I reach that end point of truly giving with a grateful heart I receive much more that I gave. I've tested this over and over and over and every time I end being grateful for what I gave and my reward is vast.

In verse 35 it says, "But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil." When I reach the apex of giving and do it trusting that the benefit for the other is ideal, I do not expect anything in return. And in doing this I feel honorable, grateful, and present. And the reprocity is wild.

I have more than I could have ever asked for. It seems to keep increasing the more I allow the universe to direct and guide me. The lesson I've learned is the more you hold on tightly to that which you fear losing the more suffering you endure. When you allow yourself to break free from riches or possessions you receive in reward a life of gratitude and love. And an open heart of love is worth more than all the possessions you could acquire.