Day Sixty "Two Months"

I was sitting in this exact spot two months ago the first day i wrote this blog.

I was addicted to a little over a gram of heroin a day.  All my feelings of happiness and joy where fully muted.  So much so that all I felt was numb.

I just wanted out.  All I could think about was what life would be like if I wasn't on dope.  I wanted so bad to fix my problem.  And so I did.

And now I'm here 60 days later to say "I did it!"

I mean I still smoke a bit of cannabis and take small doses of kratom but for the fact that I'm opiate free is pretty amazing.

Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis.

As I said yesterday I will begin to taper my cannabis use and then kratom.  I have 30 days.

Day 59

Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis.

I've been dosing kratom less but each time I do dose it averages out a bit above 2g.  I got a headache from kratom today and fell that it's time to stop this feel good place that I've been in.  It's been about 4 weeks that I've just been coasting along with this marriage between weed and kratom.  It's a good mix, I like it.  But it doesn't serve me and I fully know it.

I can't forget what I started 59 days ago.  This project has been a daily reminder of my addiction to heroin.

Now being clean-er I can see how people turn back to drugs for escape.  If I was still drinking I'd be easily swayed but due to the fact that I've made a decision to not drink I now have ability to chose right rather than wrong.  I am aware of how I'm drawn toward the cycle of addiction, I can see the triggers and thought patterns I'd usually use or follow.   Just noticing the feelings and thoughts when triggers happen has me very aware of the thought pattern I would always use sub-consciously.  Also, this experience is different at how I see myself and the overall awareness I became aware of recently.  

It seems each time I have a very huge disruption in life I get deep deep insights and really end up wrestling through my thoughts and experiences and coming out much more refined and way more humble.

I'm going to set a deadline.  90 days.  I have about 30 days left.  I'll begin with the cannabis then the kratom.  as much as I like this combo I feel I can inly enjoy the honeymoon so long.  Time to step up.

Day 58

When I started this blog it seemed like one of the only things in life that I had at the moment.  It's truly amazing how big and massive the outside world is compared to the inside life of a dope addict.

Drug intake: 1.5 kratom, cannabis.

I've been slowly taking less and less doses as the days move forward.  It's been really comfortable the last couple weeks.  However, I do know change and challenge is what I need to move forward.  I still miss nicotine and think about it often for some reason.  I have't stated exercising but I have been talking about it a ton lately.

Usually in my life I will talk about something for a while before I actually do it.  The crazy thing is that I end up actually doing what I say I will.  Sometimes it takes years but I always tend to follow through with what I speak out to myself and others.

It starts with an idea and then letting that idea be known.  It's at that moment that you give that idea flesh and bone.  Everything I've ever created I thought about first.

Day 57

I've always thought it was cool that I got 14 referrals to the principle's office my freshman year.  I would tell that story all the time for years thinking it was crazy and rad at the same time.  Where I came from it was a good thing to get in trouble and push against the status quo and all authority for that matter.  I always hated the rules, always wanted to bend the rules, and have lived a life that resembles that.  The more I realize that I'm creating this life...or co-creating this life the more amazing life gets.

Drug intake today: 1.5 kratom, cannabis.

I don't like antiques, never have.  But for the sake of keeping my wife happy I endure the hardship.  But something changed recently in me.  I've began to think about living for the benefit of others while I am with them.  It's very hard to stay focused on, intentionally, while you are with people and going out and about living your life.  But I tend to remember throughout the day about live g with the benefit of others in mind.

So, this week my wife, two kids, and myself are driving home from Southern Oregon and she spots an antique shop on the side of the highway.  She sees it and says, "Hey look, lets stop." In 16 years of marriage I have never stopped for a store like this.  Mostly an antique store.  Mostly on the side of the highway.

But by the time the sentence fully left her mouth I had already slowed the car down and was pulling off.

She looked at me in amazement as I came to a complete stop.  I smiled at her and said, "What am I doing!"  I have never stopped for my wife in 16 years.  Always focused on the pot of gold and never enjoying life as we fight toward the end of the rainbow.

I was amazed!

At myself.  "Am I really doing this?" I asked myself.  It's not like I don't love my wife and all but when we are traveling (by car) the last thing I have ever desired is to prolong the trip.  And stopping to shop is a huge prolonging of any trip.  And I just have never done it (we had more important things to do).

But this time was different.  My mind is working different lately.  I'm actually looking forward to the awkwardnesses and oddities of an antique shop rather than be annoyed by them.  I spend time now thinking, "what is life trying to show me, how can I learn form this experience, what is the lesson being taught here"

The entire time remembering that I'm trying to live with the benefit of others in mind!

I think it's possible to see from a lens of love and gratitude and soak everything in the universe through those lenses.  It's Heaven on Earth.  It does exist...

Day 56

Drug intake today: 1.5g kratom, cannabis.

Once again I really think this combination is beneficial for me at this time.  I've been eating healthy-er and focusing on being aware of what I'm doing each day.  I'll keep my promise and be substance free by the time I finish this blog, at least the 90 day point.

So I stopped drinking once I got off heroin.  I really actually like not drinking.  Alcohol really was and is a big compromise for me.  I always loved getting a micro beer at a restaurant or tasting a really good wine and it will be missed.  But the way I feel now without drinking is amazing.

And I don't get hammered usually when I drink and I never considered myself an alcoholic.  But what does happen is anytime I've ever gone deeper and deeper into drug addiction alcohol was always there to nurse me along.  It's something I know is my turning point.  If I drink I chose to take that step toward a place without boundaries.  I always want more when I drink alcohol.  Either more to drink, something to smoke, anything to keep the buzz going you know.

A cocktail of drugs isn't complete without alcohol.

If all I have to do is sacrifice drinking alcohol to never do drugs again then I will gladly never take another drink again.

Day 53, 54, and 55

Today is Sunday.  I left town Thursday to attend my mothers memorial service.  While I remembered to post I figured adding all days into one will work due to the nature of the trip and the time it actually takes to travel...with a family.  Still I've never done anything like this for more than 50 days in a row so that by itself is pretty cool.

Drug intake the last 3 days: 1.5-2 kratom, cannabis.

I've gotten in this mini routine where I dose my kratom and cannabis fairly regularly.  So much to a point that I'm usually always under the influence of one of the substances.  I really would like to be able to balance this combination if possible.  As much as I want to be fully substance free I do have this fear that I will start craving dope at some level.  Where I am at the moment really seems to be a good spot.  I totally don't want to just stay here, I want to grow, but it's hard I suppose to want to really give them up.  Just being honest.  That's a huge reason why I write this anyway, I want to be open and honest.  I want to really share what real thoughts I have and how I struggle through them.

What I've realized is that we all can live whatever lives we want.  I have tested and this principle in life many times and in hundreds of different ways.  We all have the ability to make our life, and in a sense, co-create with what we've all been given or received.  Some choose to go one direction and others choose another.  Each has their own values.  Each given their own mind.  Each received a choice to choose.

Some choose scarcity and laziness.  Others choose abundance and passion. Whatever path we choose their is consequence both good and bad.  Living our lives with the benefit of others in mind is key.  It wouldn't be possible every second of the day, to live for others, but consistently and as much as possible would be decent wouldn't it?  What would a life like that look like and what would the rewards be?

We all know that taking and using things that may not be benefiting us, even though it may be legal, is not not beneficial.  Yeah, not not.  Becasue there may be benefit in moderation...if moderation is even possible.  

mod·er·a·tion

ˌmädəˈrāSH(ə)n/

noun

1. 1. 

   the avoidance of excess or extremes, especially in one's behavior or political opinions.

   "he urged the police to show moderation"

   synonyms:

   self-restraint, restraint, self-control, self-command, self-discipline; More
2. 2. 

   PHYSICS

   the retardation of neutrons by a moderator.

Day 52

I built a life that I can pretty much be and do whatever I want.  The odd part about reaching success is the point you get when you not only reach your goals but fully surpass them.  It's in that arena that I been wondering around in trying to figure out.

Intake today: 1.5 kratom, cannabis.

I've been hitting the cannabis more and sometimes earlier in the day one I stopped smoking.  They're very low doses but still it's something.  I tend to gain more awareness at some points on cannabis, certain strains are really medicinal in a lot of ways.  I know it's better than pharmaceuticals and I guarantee doctors would prescribe something if i told them how my mind really functions.

All in all I've never been more able than I am today.  Again, each day gets better and better and my mind is becoming more and more aware.

Day 51

I drove to Spokane today to pitch a product to a corporate retail company.  I haven't sold in a while and I ended up really liking it.  I enjoyed talking about my business and what it is all about and why it's what it is today.  I fund that I end up getting on a common ground with other humans.  I mean, everyone is always so uptight and for good reason, this life is tough.

What I find though is that all humans want to be comfortable.  If you can find out how to make them comfortable you will do well in life.

Drug intake today: 1.5 kratom, cannabis.

Day 50

Fifty days.   That's a big deal.  Fist, because I've been able to beat heroin and second, because I've written something everyday for 50 days.  Never done that before.

Most of the time I don't feel like writing and then once I do I actually start to enjoy it.  It seems that how a lot of things are in my life.  Every time I do anything I have to initially focus on it even though it's uncomfortable.  Even easy things.

Drug Intake today:  1.5g kratom, cannabis.

I like moving at the pace I am right now.  I feel that I'm progressing and doing well.  I will continue on this mental path until day 90.   I like writing this blog because It helps remind me where i'm at each day.  You know, we all tend to get lost unless we find the center in our lives.

The more time we spend at center the better.

Day 49

Ever since I was really young I always wanted to be open about drug use.  For some reason when I was a teenager I saw it as a legit thing that meant you were cool.  I would be open about it to friends, family, anyone.  I just always thought it would be more of a help if everyone was just open about their life and the way we live.  I really thought that we all were responsible for helping bring more awareness to the world.

Drug intake today: 1.5g kratom, cannabis.

I've been going back and forth with kratom the last week or so.  1.5 to 2 to 1.5 again.  I'm not eating all the time because I forget or feel I hungry but just don;t take the time to eat.  So I dose kratom instead and it helps with the hunger pains and I get that boost of energy.  It's becoming a necessity sleep more than 6 hours.  I wake up every really early each morning to dose the kratom due to stomach pain.

It's such a low dose you'd think it's not that big of a deal but I'm very aware and I'm still unsure if the disadvantages outweigh the advantages to quitting the kratom.  Being on kratom I don't think about heroin, I don't have cravings for anything else, it's really cheap.  I think a lot of this is mind games to and the last thing I'd want is to be lead back down the path to opiates.  As far away as that seems I know I've thought that same way before.

My goal is in 90 days be substance free and it's day 49.   Lets me just say life is magic when you are fully there.

Day 48

It was a sunny day today.

Drug intake: 1.5g kratom, cannabis.

It's like day 5 without nicotine.  It was a long time for the cravings to subside, I really liked nicotine.  I'm glad it's one thing I won't have to worry about at the moment.  Now that it's over I don't have to worry about its issues that come with use.

I'd really like to quit both kratom and weed soon.  The only way is by replacing it with something that will make me feel better, exercise.  I actually ran on the treadmill yesterday and it felt great.  It was for only 5 minutes though.  Nevertheless, it was good.

I know what to do it's just that doing it consistently is what's hard.  Staying focus like all the guru's say isn't easy for me and the discipline needed seems far away.  The whole idea is to figure out what I want then to go get it.  The issue is that what I want seems to shift and change almost daily in some areas.  What I wanted yesterday is then replaced with what I want today.  My wants and desires flow in and out with each day as it passes.

I've always lived that way.  At least to a certain point.  Always course correcting as I move along in this journey.  My life has shifted so much so many times that my personal values have shifted and changed multiple times in the last two decades.  Every 5 years or so I have to make a major adjustment that parallels with the pattern of my life and existence.  It never seems to be stationary or "figured out."  I'm always searching and trying to figure out life but only with so much focus and desire.

Like everything, I tend to stay focused for a period of time until I either reach the goal or I reach a dead end and have to start over.  Every time I gain a little life lesson.

Day 47

I haven't done anything intently for 47 days in a long time.  Just making sure I write every day about my day has been the challenge.  I think at first it seemed like the only voice I had.  I was in absolute physical pain and I really wanted to make sure I would remember this difficult yet profound journey in my life.

I like being able to be honest and just say what is on my mind.  I've watched so many humans hide their struggle and act like they aren't human.  It's hard to be human.  While we are mammals we are so driven by our minds and it seems to be getting more and more focused on who we are, what we were born to do, and ultimately fulfilling our purpose.

I had many purposes in my life.  Many were selfish, many were ego centric, and many were just human.  Each time I was given a purpose it was shaken to its core and found to be wanting.  It was an ever fading rainbow that never provided contentment or satisfaction. At least not long lasting satisfaction.

Drug intake today:  2g kratom, cannabis.

I'm still craving nicotine but each day it's getting easier and easier.  I really liked nicotine.

To be honest, I'm ready to stop using kratom and cannabis.  It's been a slow process but I feel soon I will step back and be blessed I kept a record to my recovery.  So blessed to be here.

Day 46

I really need to start exercising.  I know if I was to get a routine down to at least stretch or something it would benefit me.  I do feel tired throughout the day and not with a ton of energy.  I've been drinking green juice all the time, eating pretty regularly and spending a lot of time at the office.  Each day feels full and good but I think I don't get that much intentional stuff done.

I want to start being more organized and intentional.

Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis...

Nicotine is done. I still have cravings but it's largely gone.  I have been taking cannabis earlier in the day the last couple days.  Nothing over the top but nonetheless not in moderation enough.  I don't feel as productive and clear unless I'm fully in the moment and clear minded.

I know my best self if a fully clean clear self.  It's my goal to reach that clean clear self.

Day 45

I had my blood drawn today.  My wife and I haven't been able to have kids since our son 12 year ago.  She's always wanted more babies but they never came.  So after 12 years we've decided to try IVF.  So tardy I had my blood drawn and it was dark red.  Asking the lady taking my blood, "Is blood always that dark red?" She said, "no, its just means it isn't oxygenated." She said it was from not drinking that much water.

I thought, "I always feel tired, fatigued, always needing a boost."  I never drink water.  I do but barely.

Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis, nicotine.

I changed kratom and the 2 grams doesn't feel the same.  I'm still going to stay at 2g but the potency isn't the same.  It's fine, I need to keep tapering.  Cannabis has been my go to not having that much nicotine but I feel moderation would be my friend in all of this.

I will begin to drink more water.  Overtime I see a glass or water fountain I will use that as a trigger to drink more water.  If it means I'll have more energy and vibrance then why wouldn't I do it.  It's just water.

Day 44

Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis, nicotine.

Traveling was fun and it's always so refreshing to get back home after.  I really stacked my day with meetings and time to give to my managers.  I've noticed how much more of a leader I am when I spend time encouraging and challenging my people.

My company is in a very healthy time right now, things are running a full steam and it's very rewarding to see all the growth.  The next few months will be record breaking and nonstop through summer.  My team is doing so well and my responsibility to lead has never been so needed.

I've spent a good amount of time figuring my life out.  It seems some people know what their purpose is even when they were kids.  Finding my purpose has been a journey that seems like that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  Every time I get close to getting it it fades further away, like it's a never ending pursuit.  I want it so bad and probably don't even realize I'm already doing it.

Just reading the first two paragraphs tells me I am fulfilling my current purpose.  Lead well, travel, and run your business.

Day 43

Today is a day of travel.  The thing that I enjoy about traveling is that you are almost always going.  Not a hurried busy-like going but more a focus and direct movement into whatever it is you are traveling for.  I heard somewhere that if you struggle to meditate that you should travel.  I find almost a long lasting awareness when I travel.  It's very surreal.

Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis, nicotine

So it's been 2 days without vaping.  It's a continual desire to smoke but the nicotine from the chewing tobacco helps with the cravings, however, my lip is starting to not like it already.  Other than that I've been very low on the cannabis too.  One reason being is that when I threw away my vape I also threw away my way of smoking cannabis.  I had to rig up something that would burn cannabis wax and it wasn't easy and thus I've been smoking very little if any at all.

The kratom is still at 2g.  I spaced it much longer today than normal and will continue to space it more and more and then drop to 1.5g then to 1g.  I think it'll last another week or two.  I hope by day 60 to only be using cannabis and only in very small amounts.

Overall, this was one of the better vacations I've had in awhile.  Not drinking and getting really high has given me the ability to watch my family, see the world around me, and live with a ton of gratitude.  My life is pretty great, I am surrounded by love if I look for it, and the more I focus on helping others the better my life gets.

If we give more than we receive we win.  It's not easy, it's actually really hard to be selfless.

I know that when I practice selflessness my world becomes brighter and much more clear.  "The greatest amount you will be the servant of all."  Jesus wasn't an idiot.

Day 42

Today my wife and I met our kids and the grandma at San Diego Safari Park.  It was a fun few hours seeing animals, being in that habitat, and walking together.  I really enjoyed it.

Usually I wouldn't go to a theme part unless they had beer.  I could never make it more than an hour at any kind of fun park without a few beers to give me the energy to endure.  Going today was fun because I was able to enjoy the entire experience.

Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis, and nicotine.

I ended up going back to 2 grams of kratom because it was necessary.  It was an it wasn't.  I was feeling a bit more tired than usual and adding that little bit extra seemed to keep me more balanced.  It's such a small dose and most people wouldn't even notice the difference but I do.  It helped toward the end of the day and the amount of energy I spent.

Not having my vape was difficult.  I was puffing on that thing all day long so just the habit of that was hard to get through today.  I did buy a can of Copenhagen chewing tobacco and it's helped with the nicotine craving.  I'll just use it  few days to get through the initial cravings and then be done.

It was a good day.  Everyday gets better.

Day 41

I was successful at cutting the kratom today.  I'm at a solid 1.5g and have been feeling really good mentally and physically today and all this week.

Drug intake today: kratom 1.5g, cannabis, and nicotine.

Today I threw away my vape.  It was in the middle of a "I hate puffing on this thing" and a little frustration with the time of the day and what was happening.  I was in the middle of an argument with my wife and I was feeling slightly agitated.  It's good though because it just means I don't have to worry about quitting vaping anymore.

I do have nicotine spray that has a dose for every mouth spray you use.  I'll use it for a couple days and then be done.  I feel this 90 day challenge will be more like 60 days and then I'll be done.  I'll still post each day up to the 90 day mark just to track my daily progress and keep record.

Today is my 16th year anniversary but my lady and I have been fighting.  Any other time I'd run to get high.  I suppose cannabis takes that spot a bit but the outcome of marijuana is nothing even similar to hard dope.  It doesn't't give you the numbness you get from opiates.

I'll soon be fully substance free.  Fully.  Only then can I know my decisions and desires in life are in balance with my mind and heart.  It's a good goal, it's a condition any addict would love to reach or at least experience.

Day 40

Going into this 3rd day at High Performance Academy has been pretty fantastic.  The energy is over the top. It's like the radest birthday party you ever went to when you were a kid except this time you're old.  People are jumping and dancing and singing, old guys are raising the roof, it's nonstop motivation and fun for 4 days.  Check it out if you every get a chance.  HPA.com

Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis, nicotine.

Tomorrow I will taper to 1.5g on the kratom.  I've been mentally afraid to drop the dose.  I've been sometimes adding more than 2g just to get the extra boost.  I notice I don't want to feel any tiredness and/or fatigue.  However, I'm aware that there has to be some kind of discomfort to get to where I want to be.

Being at this high perforamce event you are focusing on big goals, huge ones that can and will change your life.  How to take your business from seven figures to eight figures and those kind of things.  It's big stuff taught by big people.  Mind blowing actually.

But I need to focus first on the most basic things that effect everything like kratom and cannabis.  I use them to mask how I feel like a baby and its pacifier.   I know it's only been a month since I kick heroin but nonetheless I want to be healthy.  I know my best self is with a fully clear mind, drug free, eating healthy and with plenty of exercise.  We all "know" that don't we?  Why then don't we all do it?

It starts with a choice each day.  What do you really want in life?

Day ThirtyNine

Almost 40 days.  Amazing.  Each day gets clearer and clearer.

Today I'm in San Diego at High Performance Academy.  My wife and I just finished day 2 of a 4 day motivational conference put on by a guy named Brendon Burchard.  The dude has mastered the art of high performance.  He's truly an icon in that field.

Drug intake today: 2 grams kratom, cannabis, nicotine.

This conference goes from 9am-7pm pretty much none stop the entire time.  It's full of energy and it's truly a pretty amazing experience.  I've been twice before but wanted to take my wife so she could drink the koolaid.

It was a long day, tons of energy, lots of smiles and hugs.  It's a really great place to be if you want to move forward and progress in life.  It's very addicting...and the consequence is a better life.

Day ThirtyEight

I want to talk about kratom, my experience with it, and its advantages/disadvantages.

Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis, nicotine.

What I know:

What is kratom? Kratom is a plant.  It grows in Southeast Asia.  There are a few different strains.  That's all I know scientifically about it.

How to I get it? I get it online and it's actually really cheap if you keep your use to a few grams a day.   It's also available at almost every head shop, tobacco shop, and even corner stores.  Ends up being about a dollar or two per dose.

How do you use it? The leaves are already crushed to power like form similar to a fine coffee grind.  I always weigh (sometimes don't have a scale and I have to eyeball it) it so I know what my dose is exactly.  I add it to warm or hot water and take it like a shot of whisky.  It's pretty bitter so I chase it always with water.  It's actually always unpleasant to dose this way.

Sometime's I'll purchase kratom in capsules which is nice because you don't have to use a scale or even taste the kratom.  I currently dose 2 grams 3-4 times a day every 4 hours or so.  Ends up being about a dollar or two per dose.

Why do I use it? I was on a 1&1/2gram a day heroin habit a bit over a month ago.  I started kratom about 15 days after my last use of heroin.  The point that I was at on days 15-17 was dangerous.  If it wasn't for kratom that day I may have went back to heroin.  I will never know but what I do know is that kratom saved me that day.  It was a miracle. You can read about it here.

When did you start it? I started 3 weeks ago dosing 5-6 grams 4 times a day so it's been a pretty quick taper going from 20 grams to 6 a day.  On day 15 the day I took it I was going through a quick taper withdrawal of suboxone.  I used the suboxone to help with the hard heroin withdrawal but I stopped the subs after the 8th day.  I was in so much depression and pain with no sleep when I arrived at my office on that 15th day.  In the drawer was over 2 grams of quality east coast heroin and also a few bags of kratom.  I saved the heroin just in case of "emergency" during my withdrawal.  (I left it at the office so I wouldn't be around it the first 2 weeks)

I had a choice to make.  And I chose kratom and flushed the heroin.  My love affair was over.

What it does: Kratom feels like a very mellow mood lift but it brings with it a boost of energy and a very warm sensation in your stomach.  It's probably the closest you'll get to any opiate feeling without using opiates.

Is it bad?  Yes, the side effects I get come about 6 hours to 12 hours after my last use.  They include muscle aches, sour stomach, tiredness, and irritablity.  I have also been waking up and having to dose at like 4am to go back to bed.  It was more difficult with the larger doses but now that I've tapered it's less an issue.  Any cravings I have for drugs are now put on kratom.  It's a totally different craving though compared to opiates or stimulates.

Is it good?  Yes.  The ability that kratom gives me to be off of opiates without a craving for them is a Godsend.  It also gives you the freedom to stay fully legal without breaking the law.  Just those 2 reasons alone give it more advantages than disadvantages at this point in my existence.

I'm considering prolonging my taper on kratom to take my time during these 90 days and take this slow and steady.  I'm going to slowly move to one gram, then skip days, then finish.  The advantages outweigh the disadvantages at this point.

You see, heroin addiction isn't a funny game we play.  It's truly a life or death situation.  As heroin addicts we are the walking dead, it's not a tv show, it's real.  Everyday that I was on heroin I was dying, closer and closer to the grave I was sinking all the while drowning in my own personal hell.  I barely escaped?

My God!  I have a beautiful life to live.

Day ThirtySeven

If you live intentionally each day life becomes more alive.  Traveling today to San Diego with my family with a layover in Seattle at the airport.  Usually I would be focused on traveling or going to the bar or eating or whatever while at the airport, never noticing anyone or anything.  But today was different.

As I found myself going about my travel day I had this, "come to myself" moment.  As I walked through the masses of other travelers focused on my destination I paused for a moment and focused on the present moment.  Everything slowed down, became more vibrant, and brought peace of mind.  I was in this place of gratitude and awe of everyone and everything.  It's a beautiful part of life when we fully experience it.

Drug intake today:  2g kratom, cannabis, and nicotine.

The kratom has been a slow process of tapering on.  I didn't start taking it till around day 15 and it's March 8th today so about 3 weeks so far.   Not bad as I know some people are on it for years, nevertheless I know that it effects my ability to be my best.  The quicker I finish this taper the better but I know in a way this kratom has just prolonged my addiction.

It's day 37 my goal was at the end of 90 I will be free from all substances.  I committed to this.  It'll happen.



  

Day ThirtySix

When you are addicted to drugs I've found that you spend the majority of your time thinking about drugs.  How to get them, how much you have, is it pure, do I have enough to last, and the list goes on.  When you are consumed in your thinking about one thing for so long your life then demonstrates what you want and think about the most.

Drug intake today: 3 kratom, cannabis, nicotine.

There is a reason why it's so hard to get out from under the slavery of addiction.  You've spent years building this life that supports and craves your drug of choice and in so doing your life demonstrates what you truly want.

Whatever you think about most you tend to create.  You give power to your thoughts and it brings to life your fantasies and imaginations.  However, some are good and some are bad.  The goal is then, seek the most balanced way.

When you make a decision always weigh the advantages and disadvantages.  You'll find you'll make more balanced choices and you'll know when you're unbalanced.  Seek after things that will serve people and bring joy into the world.  If you do you will receive it much more in return.

If we could only know the secrets to life earlier.

Day ThirtyFive

While it's much easier to preach the idea of a better life the actual "doing" the idea of a better life is what's so difficult.  I've found those that start building on their life early on around the age of 17-23 become the most successful by the mid-life or the age of 40.  If you are someone that has practiced for years, bad habits, then you will struggle in more precise sides of life.  People that overcome or never start habits are more likely to live on the upper their of this existence.

The people that are gurus, teachers, masters, pastors, and the like have been doing it for a long time.  No one was a drug addicted-broke-divorsed man yesterday and then today a New York time bestseller author that has multiple events a year drawing thousands.  A life crafted like that takes work, focus, dedication, and drive.

The master has learned his life and mastered it.  They have spent years and even decades dedicated to specific goals or desires in life.  We all do it just in different degrees.  Some of us are really talented in such odd areas but the proof is that we are innovative when we want something.  There may be gaps here and there in the teachings of these gurus but comparably they have tapped into a higher level of consciousness than the majority of humans.  And so can anyone, think about something that you wanted really bad and you did whatever you could to get it, we expanded our thinking, we used focus and determination to get it.  Many of us get really good and stuff and habits that don't serve us, it's in these that we struggle to replace.

Drug intake today: 4g kratom, cannabis, nicotine.

Change is hard, it's not easy.  However, it is necessary.

Day ThirtyFour

Walking past the hotel bar or noticing someone with a beer this weekend quietly tells me "Thank God!" I don't have to drink.  So many times and for so many years my focus at any event would be let loose and feel good.  "Isn't this what it's all about," my mind would say.  Then the story ends with heroin addiction.

Drug Intake today: 5g kratom, cannabis, nicotine

For me persoanlly, it begins and ends with drinking alcohol.  You see, I'm not an alcoholic -- I'm a drug addict.

It's compromise.

I know if I drink, I personally have compromised and chosen a path of allowing my subconscious to have power and in so doing am feeding my primal side.  It's different to me however using kratom or using cannabis.  I believe how alcohol effects my brain it leads me to always pursue the next feel good moment.

The beginning is a beer or two, then more focus and attention goes on the feel good/no pain primal/animal part of my brain.  The more I focus, care for, and give attention to that side of my life the deeper I go.  And the truth is the deep-end never ends, there is no bottom.  I suppose thats where the idea of an abyss or the bottomless pit came into our thought.

And vice versa the highest of the highs go forever.  There is not a point in life to where you reach it and feel as if you've finally arrived.  There is no ceiling or limit.  It's like the leprechaun and the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, it's always so close but it forever fleeing.  So it is in life and success.

What I've come to realize through all of this is that you need to know what serves you and what doesn't and live in the most balanced way.

Why would I choose a life of fatigue, depression, and sorrow?  When I can choose a life of energy, vibrance, and joy.  Why would I dwell on all the pain in life and forget the love?  When I can remember all the love and dissolve the pain.

Choosing what is good for you is a responsibility for a balanced life.  Everyday, you create, choose, become.  Choose wisely.

Day ThirtyThree

An inspired life is a vibrant life.  Do you see or watch people that inspire you.  Either they have a certain talent or they entertain you really well and you really like those people.  They seem to have found a recipe in life that gives them energy, and drive, and passion to create or produce a product or service.  It could be entertainment, to comedy, to teaching, to music, to whatever else you can think of.  There are thousands of different disciplines that many of us find inspirational.

I love to see other people give out the amazing talent that is in them.  But realize this, everything that you see in others you have in you.  Maybe not to the same level or consistency but nonetheless we all possess talents, and skills, and abilities.  What makes a superstar a superstar?  Did they wake up someday and just bam! they were a star?  No!  They worked, they hustled, they created, they had drive.   Then day after day, one built upon the next, they emerged into the spotlight.

Success doesn't happen overnight.  However, one certain decision you make could ignite a ripple effect of success.  From observing people that inspire others you find that they know what they want, focus on where they are going, and will do what ever it takes to reach their goals.

Its truly inspiring the see people live out their talents in life and then share them with the rest of the world.  All of us have that in us, we just have to listen to our lives and when it becomes clear, follow our deepest and most purely inspired dreams.

Drug intake today: 5g kratom, 40mg cannabis, nicotine.

The goal is taper kratom till its to zero, then slowly stop smoking weed, then give up the vape.  Once I fully finish kratom I will write up and begin a plan to stop cannabis.  The closer I get to my goals the happier I feel.  As I reach these goals I will always set a new one till the day I die.  Set goals, big goals. then focus on them and do whatever it takes to reach them.

Day ThirtyTwo

It was Friday today felt like a weekend.  My boy has a hockey tournament in Portland so we made the trek today.  It's only 3.5 hours away and it's always nice to go to any city.  Something about the energy of cities where a ton of people live, seems to be more charged.

Drug Intake 6g kratom, cannabis, and some Advil.

Woke up again this morning at 5am and had to dose kratom to get back to sleep.  I'm feeling better and better the more I taper.  I can tell I'm a bit tired through the day but it's nothing really worth noticing.

Spending time with my wife and kids is pretty great.  Such fulfillment when I give my energy to them.  I receive so much eveytime I focus on them.

Day ThirtyOne

I've been waking up each day really early with a bit of stomach pain.  I then dose kratom and go back to bead.  I end of sleeping another couple hours.  What I don't like is not feeling 100% yet.  I really want this kratom to be finished.

Drug intake today: 6g kratom, cannabis, and my trusty vape.

Just another week or so and the kratom will be done.  I'm noticing that one thing I'm not really good at is my physical health.  If I don't have a healthy body then how do I expect to live a vibrant life.  At the end of this blog journey I intently want to eat healthy, exercise, and live vibrantly.

Day Thirty

Almost a month has past since I went on this new journey.  This time it's different.  I've never been so inspired to do better, become more full, and live out my purpose in life.  While I'm still not fully aware of what I truly want in life I am beginning to find my piece in the universe.

Drug intake today: 6g kratom, Cannabis, and Advil.

I had a bit of a headache last night and had to take some Advil.  I'm finally over the little bit of a cold I got this weekend and feel much better once I get going in the day.  I'm still taking kratom and have been tapering down every other day.  I feel pretty good but still not 100%.

I've been filling up my day each day with a lot of priorities that make me feel accomplished at the end of each day.  It's true, if you are intentional on where you want to be and what you want to achieve then your life begins to follow those thoughts and goals.  I truly want nothing more than to be successful and honorable in all the areas of my life.

I want to be a hero.  I want to be someone that lives an inspiring fulfilled existence here on earth.