It's been 254 days.
There is no high you can reach and no low you can hit that doesn't keep going. Any high that you can dream of exist and even more so and with every high there is a low. Deeper lows than you think are even real.
Never forget this principle.
If you are high on dope then you know what awaits you; the comedown, the withdrawal, the pain. Even when it comes to a high proud look the opposite will find it's way to humble you.
I've tested this universal law time and again. For every elation there is a depression, for every intense high there is an extreme low. What I've found as most ideal is to traverse this life as balanced as possible. Meaning don't seek the extreme highs in life and continue on the rollercoaster of an existence. Instead seek clarity of mind and in doing that "seeking" you find ways to balance the which seems like chaos.
Life is in a balanced chaos at all times. What makes it unstable internally is our thoughts and perceived pain. These perceptions of our thoughts and pain are what drive us to addictions, hatred, and bitterness. We fight within ourselves the wars of the world. All of it begins and ends in our mind.
So then, the point to what I am saying is the mastery of the mind. The personal mind. The internal stories we play day after day and year after year are the source of all our suffering. These stories lead us to continual cycles that we feel are inescapable. But the truth is you create the cycles you are in, no one else did it and no one else can stop them for you.
All your responsibilities in this life are on your shoulders.
Will you hate those that hurt you and use that pain to fill your life and the power of your addiction? Or take the responsibility for your thoughts and realize that you are the only one that can truly hurt you?
I spent the last decade searching for this single truth; that I am the one hurting me. I am the one that plays the stories that tell me I am less than, I am worthless, I have this pain or that pain. I am never going to amount to anything, I want to escape this "hell" and experience utopia, I tell myself.
So seeking out relief from the perceived pain led and leads me to seek after addictive substances. It makes total sense friends, those of you that seek after addiction, I understand your reasoning.
And who wouldn't seek after a temporal utopia in this literal daily living hell you find yourself in? I don't blame you and you believing your pain to be actually something real then slamming heroin is the ultimate utopia. It is the best decision, if the pain was a reality.
Once you come to yourself and can really question that which to you is real you begin to breakthrough into real reality. And real reality in that all things are balanced, all things are perfect, all things are good.
It doesn't make sense to most people, mostly addicts in the midst of their addictions, but the deeper you go, you find perfection and clarity.
A true utopia and heaven exist. But it's not somewhere else or a future experience, its here and now and waiting for you to discover it. People find it, the path is narrow and there are few who truly find it. It's a seeking I've been striving for decades and it's taken years to even see dimly that which is ultimately true.
That all things are perfect as they are. That all the pain in our lives come from within us. That we only heal when we surrender to everything and in that surrendering we serve the world.
My encouragement to you: the road from addiction to utopia begins with small steps in the direction of love. Love for everyone and everything. Once you can say thank you and I love you to everyone and every event in your life then you've broken the cycle of hell and have started the journey to a heaven. And a heaven that is now, not later.
One step, one thought, one desire, in the direction of love. Start there and then build upon that tomorrow.
Peace and love.
Thursday, October 12, 2017
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
Newness
The newness of life is what compels me to keep pressing in.
I find the equal amount of pain and pleasure in the new seasons as they come.
If you like it or not seasons will come. Both good and bad. Be resilient.
Monday, June 12, 2017
Finding Your Way
In life we tend to follow more than we lead.
I found that it took me decades to truly start leading.
It wasn't until after I left home and went on my hero's journey that I was able to come back and truly be a leader.
Most of us never depart from home and wonder why we are still not growing.
We all have that journey to take...the sooner you step up and out the better you'll be.
I found that it took me decades to truly start leading.
It wasn't until after I left home and went on my hero's journey that I was able to come back and truly be a leader.
Most of us never depart from home and wonder why we are still not growing.
We all have that journey to take...the sooner you step up and out the better you'll be.
Monday, June 05, 2017
I Don't Want to Lie
When I speak, I don't want to lie anymore.
The apparent truth I held on before was never really truth at all. I had to experience life first before I could be true to what was inside of me.
I've found that lying was something I did all the time. It's wasn't always on purpose, I was just teaching what was taught before me.
But what I've found is that if I say something that someone else has told me and I tell it to you as truth is still not truth to me. It's only something I've been told was the truth before and thus you are being told it's the truth now.
But truth is relative to the individual.
While a truth may be absolute to your mind the truth may not be absolute in another.
This is where we find that we continue to speak of things that we know nothing about. We speak with an authority that is found in our own beliefs and teachings.
We look at pastors and spiritual leaders to have the way to God. Yet we are all there already, each in our own unique way with out own unique views of the world and each other.
Yet, we speak as if we have been God ourselves. Casting judgment and condemnation on those not like us. And in this we find the issue...we are living a life based upon the views and teaching of others before us.
They may be sound teachings and balanced ideas. Nevertheless they are not your thoughts and it is not your story but the thoughts and stories of others.
But you are not them and it's not your story.
You are you and there is no other. You are one of a kind.
Your truth, what is truly true in you and to you will be the only true truth that will ever exist.
Speak that truth to the world. Anything other would be a lie, not only to you but to those you speak it to.
Friday, May 19, 2017
The Lesson Learned.
A lesson learned in building business and going through my own extended spiritual journey.
If you want to go up in life then go down, if you want to be something then first become nothing, whatever you strive for that thing you will never get.
It's when you give into struggle, and surrender to it, that you master it and overcome it. It's not acting as if it's not there, it's acting as if it is and becoming aware of it. The more you think about what you don't want the more you will get what you don't want. The more you think about what you do what the more you will get what you truly want.
It's not a secret. It's preached and practiced throughout the world on a daily basis. There are humans that are so far in tune with themselves that we make them our leaders and those we follow.
The masters of this existence become the servants of all. And in serving become the greatest to walk the earth.
It's when you give into struggle, and surrender to it, that you master it and overcome it. It's not acting as if it's not there, it's acting as if it is and becoming aware of it. The more you think about what you don't want the more you will get what you don't want. The more you think about what you do what the more you will get what you truly want.
It's not a secret. It's preached and practiced throughout the world on a daily basis. There are humans that are so far in tune with themselves that we make them our leaders and those we follow.
The masters of this existence become the servants of all. And in serving become the greatest to walk the earth.
Monday, May 15, 2017
There's No Such Thing As Wasted Time
We choose what we do with our allotted time.
We can use it to bring ripple effects of joy and blessing or use it to cause a tsunami of anger and betrayal.
Time is ours to control, at least with how we use it.
You have the same amount of time as any other human. You can choose to spend your daily time currency on things that we consider waste or things we consider holy.
You are the one that makes the choice.
Time is only wasted if you say it is wasted. Why not call it what it really is? An investment.
If time is $ then,
Each day we wake up all of us have the same amount of (time) $. Now, we all have only one day to spend it. How we spend that $ reveals who we are and what's important to us.
To those that spent, did they not get their reward? I would say more than you could ask or imagine.
But to those that invested rather than spent wouldn't the invested see more of a reward? I tell you, YES, their reward will be more than a hundred times more.
And as you see (either it was spent or invested) none of it is wasted, so to speak, because it all needs to be spent by the end of the day anyway.
We don't waste time, we invest it.
We can use it to bring ripple effects of joy and blessing or use it to cause a tsunami of anger and betrayal.
Time is ours to control, at least with how we use it.
You have the same amount of time as any other human. You can choose to spend your daily time currency on things that we consider waste or things we consider holy.
You are the one that makes the choice.
Time is only wasted if you say it is wasted. Why not call it what it really is? An investment.
If time is $ then,
Each day we wake up all of us have the same amount of (time) $. Now, we all have only one day to spend it. How we spend that $ reveals who we are and what's important to us.
To those that spent, did they not get their reward? I would say more than you could ask or imagine.
But to those that invested rather than spent wouldn't the invested see more of a reward? I tell you, YES, their reward will be more than a hundred times more.
And as you see (either it was spent or invested) none of it is wasted, so to speak, because it all needs to be spent by the end of the day anyway.
We don't waste time, we invest it.
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
DAY 99-100
Each day I am waking up with more and more energy. It's truly is amazing.
I've really been enjoying life with a lot of overall satisfaction. But there is still always this yearning or craving at some level. It really seems to have transferred to food a lot. I'm thin but food these days has been the best. And I find that I'm spending much more quality time with people.
Life drug free is so much better.
I will be posting once every few days until the end of the year. It'll be a check up to see how it's been living a balanced life.
Monday, May 08, 2017
Day 97-98
Went Spring Salmon fishing yesterday with my son and a couple of my team. It was cold and a bit miserable yesterday. Once the sun came out things ended up ok, but it was a ton of work and we ended up losing more fish than we caught.
Being substance free is a huge step and it's extremely rewarding. It's crazy how far we go when we are under the influence. It's amazing some of us make it out and continue on to live a full and vibrant life.
I want to bo one of those that live fully and without regret.
Being substance free is a huge step and it's extremely rewarding. It's crazy how far we go when we are under the influence. It's amazing some of us make it out and continue on to live a full and vibrant life.
I want to bo one of those that live fully and without regret.
Saturday, May 06, 2017
Day 96
I've lived my entire life not knowing what to do.
My goals or plans have never really been these solid goals or plans. I just made stuff up as I went.
I think most people would have expected me to fail. I would have. At least most of my life I would have.
But for some reason I never gave up. When so many others would have given up and thrown in the towel I didn't. I never stopped the momentum. I had to learn how to control the chaos of life and have it work in my favor rather than against me.
I'm not saying I have full control, not even close, but I have learned how to balance it, so to speak. And only balance it in certain levels and areas. In some areas I'm still very unable to even try to attempt to master life.
But I am aware of a lot more than I've ever been.
My goals or plans have never really been these solid goals or plans. I just made stuff up as I went.
I think most people would have expected me to fail. I would have. At least most of my life I would have.
But for some reason I never gave up. When so many others would have given up and thrown in the towel I didn't. I never stopped the momentum. I had to learn how to control the chaos of life and have it work in my favor rather than against me.
I'm not saying I have full control, not even close, but I have learned how to balance it, so to speak. And only balance it in certain levels and areas. In some areas I'm still very unable to even try to attempt to master life.
But I am aware of a lot more than I've ever been.
Friday, May 05, 2017
Day 95
It's taken a few days but now I rarely think about the kratom anymore. It's amazing that we get so in need of a specific thing.
This one guy says that, "The masses live in a world of gain and loss but the master lives in a world of transformation." Meaning that gain or loss is a matter of perspective.
In all reality you and I have nothing...only whats in our minds. If we realize all things are always what they are then we would have a deeper feel for the world and for life. When we accept life for what it already is we reach a type of heaven on earth.
If your life sucks then it's hard to accept what is. Nevertheless, accepting what is becomes your best teacher.
This one guy says that, "The masses live in a world of gain and loss but the master lives in a world of transformation." Meaning that gain or loss is a matter of perspective.
In all reality you and I have nothing...only whats in our minds. If we realize all things are always what they are then we would have a deeper feel for the world and for life. When we accept life for what it already is we reach a type of heaven on earth.
If your life sucks then it's hard to accept what is. Nevertheless, accepting what is becomes your best teacher.
Thursday, May 04, 2017
Day 94
Don't we all want the good life?
The life that says, "Yes and amen!"
A life that says, "OMFG, I actually get to do this!"
When we see other people living this exciting and fun life we tend to get depressed a bit. When we compare ourselves to others everything we end up seeing is now filtered through what we think someone else thinks about us.
Then we get confused and for good reason. We live so much of our lives under the perceptions and views of other people. Be that our parents, our friends, our lovers, and even our kids.
The best life is that life lived without the care of the perceptions of others. It's a fully possible life and one that not many get to live here on earth.
The struggle at the level of your life is real. Without it there would be no future but because of it you now have a future. The struggle is the point of a good life.
The life that says, "Yes and amen!"
A life that says, "OMFG, I actually get to do this!"
When we see other people living this exciting and fun life we tend to get depressed a bit. When we compare ourselves to others everything we end up seeing is now filtered through what we think someone else thinks about us.
Then we get confused and for good reason. We live so much of our lives under the perceptions and views of other people. Be that our parents, our friends, our lovers, and even our kids.
The best life is that life lived without the care of the perceptions of others. It's a fully possible life and one that not many get to live here on earth.
The struggle at the level of your life is real. Without it there would be no future but because of it you now have a future. The struggle is the point of a good life.
Wednesday, May 03, 2017
Day 93
Today I took a few of my crew on a zip-lining trip. It was a good bonding time and really great weather.
I've been waking up early eat day and really having a grateful feeling about life.
I'm reminded each day throughout the day that I'm substance free and able to own that. It feels good.
I've been waking up early eat day and really having a grateful feeling about life.
I'm reminded each day throughout the day that I'm substance free and able to own that. It feels good.
Tuesday, May 02, 2017
Day 92
I've really have been blessed the last few days.
I've been gaining energy, waking up much earlier than normal, and staying aware all day.
When I was struggling after a night of drinking or a weekend of fun I had the worst quality sleep and the next morning was always dreaded.
Waking up today with clarity and gratitude today is a whole lot different. I used to sit on the couch at 3am, high as a kite, looking up luxury rehab centers. Wondering if and when I will be attending one soon. I was sad and couldn't get out.
It took a lot from within me to get to where I'm at today. A lot of alone time. A lot of time thinking about why I exist and what the point of it all is. You know those deep thoughts that not everyone has.
It feels amazing to be free of opiates.
While there are still some aches and pains from daily activity it's nothing compared to the aches and pain of heroin addiction.
I've been gaining energy, waking up much earlier than normal, and staying aware all day.
When I was struggling after a night of drinking or a weekend of fun I had the worst quality sleep and the next morning was always dreaded.
Waking up today with clarity and gratitude today is a whole lot different. I used to sit on the couch at 3am, high as a kite, looking up luxury rehab centers. Wondering if and when I will be attending one soon. I was sad and couldn't get out.
It took a lot from within me to get to where I'm at today. A lot of alone time. A lot of time thinking about why I exist and what the point of it all is. You know those deep thoughts that not everyone has.
It feels amazing to be free of opiates.
While there are still some aches and pains from daily activity it's nothing compared to the aches and pain of heroin addiction.
Monday, May 01, 2017
Day 91
My energy is coming back even more now. I am spending the entire day from 8am-5pm in work mode without having to really try.
When I was high on dope it would take all the energy I had just to attend one meeting sometimes. Now I can talk for hours.
I still have lingering craving issues but for the most part they are very mild. The days are a lot longer and have much more depth to them. The cleaner I've gotten the better it's become.
When I was high on dope it would take all the energy I had just to attend one meeting sometimes. Now I can talk for hours.
I still have lingering craving issues but for the most part they are very mild. The days are a lot longer and have much more depth to them. The cleaner I've gotten the better it's become.
Sunday, April 30, 2017
Day 90
I did it. Substance free on day 90.
It was a little slow couple days stopping kratom finally but in glad I did it. This blog is really the only thing that kept me motivated to stop kratom by day 90.
Now the goal is to continue this blog till day 120.
I want to cronical my days moving beyond day 90 and stay open about my struggles with life and drug addiction.
It was a little slow couple days stopping kratom finally but in glad I did it. This blog is really the only thing that kept me motivated to stop kratom by day 90.
Now the goal is to continue this blog till day 120.
I want to cronical my days moving beyond day 90 and stay open about my struggles with life and drug addiction.
Saturday, April 29, 2017
Day 89
its day 89 and it was my first day since day 15 that I didn't have to dose kratom. Today was great. It was a long Saturday in which I slept in, relaxed, relaxed some more, watched some movies, and then went to bed. One of those kind of days.
I did feel fatigue a bit and an overall tiredness. First day without kratom feels really good to say out loud. I've been taking kratom for 2.5 months now.
Drug intake today: cannabis
I do feel cannabis is my only issue. I do use it throughout the day and with today's technology it's really easy to dose anytime and anywhere. However, I feel on day 90 that cannabis is more a benefit than it is a crutch. For that reason I will take my time as I refuse my daily use to the point of zero.
I will be posting to day 120 to follow my journey after stopping kratom.
I did feel fatigue a bit and an overall tiredness. First day without kratom feels really good to say out loud. I've been taking kratom for 2.5 months now.
Drug intake today: cannabis
I do feel cannabis is my only issue. I do use it throughout the day and with today's technology it's really easy to dose anytime and anywhere. However, I feel on day 90 that cannabis is more a benefit than it is a crutch. For that reason I will take my time as I refuse my daily use to the point of zero.
I will be posting to day 120 to follow my journey after stopping kratom.
Friday, April 28, 2017
Day 88
Today was supposed to be a full day without kratom. I did dose one time today toward the end of the day. Tomorrow will be much easier to go without kratom.
Drug intake today: 1 dose of 1g kratom and cannabis.
I am still using cannabis through the day. I will see where I'm at on day 90. As for kratom or any other substance I'll be fully free.
Drug intake today: 1 dose of 1g kratom and cannabis.
I am still using cannabis through the day. I will see where I'm at on day 90. As for kratom or any other substance I'll be fully free.
Thursday, April 27, 2017
Day 86-87
Being back and forth to Vegas and back has been a lot of travel. Also, I lost my MacBook so I haven't had a computer. Reasons why my blogs have been short and missing.
But I'm back now. I love it at home. The weather has been really nice lately and I've been waking up early with little to no pain....it's just fantastic.
My kratom dose is so low it's almost not even noticeable. Tomorrow will be my first attempt using zero kratom. I'll see how it goes.
Drug intake today: 1g kratom, cannabis
But I'm back now. I love it at home. The weather has been really nice lately and I've been waking up early with little to no pain....it's just fantastic.
My kratom dose is so low it's almost not even noticeable. Tomorrow will be my first attempt using zero kratom. I'll see how it goes.
Drug intake today: 1g kratom, cannabis
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
Monday, April 24, 2017
Day 83-84
I'm really proud of myself.
I've made some really big moves the last few months and have really done well overall. I'm amazed that I'm gaining a little momentum. I'm finding my flow.
Writing daily is a very small obligation but it's also such a huge task to me. I really don't want to write most of the time and I usually don't know what to talk about.
But I like the idea that I committed to something, like writing this blog for 90 days, it keeps me convicted to follow through with my previous promises.
drug intake today: 1g kratom and cannabis.
Kratom will likely be done tomorrow. Day 90 is approaching fast.
Saturday, April 22, 2017
Day 82
So, I lost my laptop right. Means I have to post on my phone. So each day it'll be short and sweet.
Drug intake: 1g kratom, cannabis.
It seems this 1g kratom dose is needed at this time. I will begin to really get kratom free the day after tomorrow which will be Monday. I'm excited to get back to my schedule at home and make some good moves moving forward.
I'll be looking to buy another macbook too. Can't believe it would be stolen, such a bummer.
Drug intake: 1g kratom, cannabis.
It seems this 1g kratom dose is needed at this time. I will begin to really get kratom free the day after tomorrow which will be Monday. I'm excited to get back to my schedule at home and make some good moves moving forward.
I'll be looking to buy another macbook too. Can't believe it would be stolen, such a bummer.
Friday, April 21, 2017
Day 81
today was a rough day. I lost my laptop and passport Arby's the airport. It was diffficult to swallow.
Drug intake today: 1.5g kratom, cannabis
Flying to Seattle right now for the SCA tradeshow.
Drug intake today: 1.5g kratom, cannabis
Flying to Seattle right now for the SCA tradeshow.
Thursday, April 20, 2017
Day 80
One last day in Vegas with my wife for her IVF treatment. We will have to travel back and forth for a few months.
Drug intake today: 1g kratom, cannabis
I really did great today with my kratom dose. I stall have the overall soreness and back pain/neck pain. I'm really looking forward to getting over Kratom once again.
Drug intake today: 1g kratom, cannabis
I really did great today with my kratom dose. I stall have the overall soreness and back pain/neck pain. I'm really looking forward to getting over Kratom once again.
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
Day 79
i was at .5g this morning but had such low energy that's I dosed 2g to get out of the funk. It helped of course. I will do my best to stay at the half gram through the end of the week.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom and cannabis.
This 90 day episode is coming to an end. The goal was substance free. Ill hit the goal.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom and cannabis.
This 90 day episode is coming to an end. The goal was substance free. Ill hit the goal.
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
Day 78
The wife and I spent the day sightseeing in Las Vegas. We ended up doing the helicopter tour over the grand canyon. Pretty amazing stuff.
drug intake today: 1g kratom, cannabis.
I started today at .5 grams but upped it to 1g by afternoon. I feel ok now and don't want to hit any bottoms. I will be dosing .5 all day tomorrow and I'll see how it goes.
Monday, April 17, 2017
Day 77
Woke up early this morning in Vegas and it felt great. It's truly amazing to not feel like crap in the morning. I've been living for years in a fog. It was providing for me what I needed just not in a healthy way.
Drug intake today: 1g kratom and cannabis.
I was able to sleep fine last night without having to redose at all. I will have this crutch taken care of really really soon. I give myself the end of this week to be kratom free. Today is Monday and it's day 78.
Drug intake today: 1g kratom and cannabis.
I was able to sleep fine last night without having to redose at all. I will have this crutch taken care of really really soon. I give myself the end of this week to be kratom free. Today is Monday and it's day 78.
Sunday, April 16, 2017
Day 76
Last night it was hard to fall asleep due to the low doses of kratom. As I was tossing and turning I was a thinking it was so worth the discomfort for the end result. Getting to the point of being able to live off my own natural energy is so enticing. It's been years.
Drug intake today: 1g kratom, cannabis
I am still at 1g doses and had to almost double my dose last night to sleep. I'm going to stop completely by the end of the week. I feel around day 85 I'll be saying goodbye to cannabis too.
Drug intake today: 1g kratom, cannabis
I am still at 1g doses and had to almost double my dose last night to sleep. I'm going to stop completely by the end of the week. I feel around day 85 I'll be saying goodbye to cannabis too.
Saturday, April 15, 2017
Day 75
I was able to dose just 1g kratom doses today. I've been tired a lot more than usual but it's worth it knowing that I'll be done with kratom soon. The only real side effects I'm having from kratom is lack of energy, less sleep, and a little leg pain. Other than that it was a low dose anyway so there's not much. I think a ton of it is mental more than anything.
Drug intake today: 1g kratom doses and cannabis
I've been cutting back the cannabis use also. At least I'm trying. I'm getting excited for the 90 day mark. It's a mental goal that I've set with writing this blog and to be substance free.
I'm traveling to Las Vegas this week with my wife. It will be the first time going to Vegas and not drinking or on drugs. I'm sure it will be a different kind of city. I am excited for this new season in my life. When I look at myself in the mirror these days it's a feeling of gratitude and blessing that I'm still here and that I made it this far.
We don't have to live lives of sorrow and defeat and we can live lives of joy and gratitude. It is possible to be free from the grips of heroin. It's not easy and it's still slightly difficult to keep progressing but I know what's important to me and I'll do whatever I have to to protect it.
My family, my company, my employees. I have so much to live for and so much at stake. I'm amazed it didn't all fall apart. So so grateful today!
Drug intake today: 1g kratom doses and cannabis
I've been cutting back the cannabis use also. At least I'm trying. I'm getting excited for the 90 day mark. It's a mental goal that I've set with writing this blog and to be substance free.
I'm traveling to Las Vegas this week with my wife. It will be the first time going to Vegas and not drinking or on drugs. I'm sure it will be a different kind of city. I am excited for this new season in my life. When I look at myself in the mirror these days it's a feeling of gratitude and blessing that I'm still here and that I made it this far.
We don't have to live lives of sorrow and defeat and we can live lives of joy and gratitude. It is possible to be free from the grips of heroin. It's not easy and it's still slightly difficult to keep progressing but I know what's important to me and I'll do whatever I have to to protect it.
My family, my company, my employees. I have so much to live for and so much at stake. I'm amazed it didn't all fall apart. So so grateful today!
Friday, April 14, 2017
Day 74
The last few entries have been short. I've been posting from my phone each day the last few. I think it's just because my schedule has been different the last week.
Drug intake today: 2.5g kratom and cannabis
I was down to 1g kratom today but it wasn't enough because my legs started to get really sore. It was due to the low dose of kratom. My kratom dose today was 1g at 6am, 1g at 9am then I couldn't deal with the leg pain and it was making me irritable so I dosed 2.5g at 12:30pm. About an hour later I was much better with both pain management and energy. Then I dosed 2g around 7pm
I will be dosing 1g all day tomorrow again and see if I can make it though. My goal is to be off kratom by the end of next week. I think I'll make it!
Drug intake today: 2.5g kratom and cannabis
I was down to 1g kratom today but it wasn't enough because my legs started to get really sore. It was due to the low dose of kratom. My kratom dose today was 1g at 6am, 1g at 9am then I couldn't deal with the leg pain and it was making me irritable so I dosed 2.5g at 12:30pm. About an hour later I was much better with both pain management and energy. Then I dosed 2g around 7pm
I will be dosing 1g all day tomorrow again and see if I can make it though. My goal is to be off kratom by the end of next week. I think I'll make it!
Thursday, April 13, 2017
Day 73
I've been really reducing my kratom intake the last few days. I'm making it a goal to be finished with kratom by the 90 day mark. I want to get to a point of having natural energy. If that's through diet, exercise, or just living without substances than that's fine. I want to be able to know I can live each day solely on my own natural abilities.
Drug intake today: 1.5 kratom, cannabis.
I've been dosing less times a day too. I'd like to cut the kratom out asap. I'll see how I feel each day as I lower my doses.
Drug intake today: 1.5 kratom, cannabis.
I've been dosing less times a day too. I'd like to cut the kratom out asap. I'll see how I feel each day as I lower my doses.
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
Day 72
today I have really cut my kratom use. I'm surprised by my abilities to go so long without redosing.
Drug intake today: 1.5 kratom, cannabis
I will do 1.5 tomorrow and then drop it to 1g the following day.
I will stay current on the cannabis use for now.
Drug intake today: 1.5 kratom, cannabis
I will do 1.5 tomorrow and then drop it to 1g the following day.
I will stay current on the cannabis use for now.
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
Day 71
I know everyday I wake up that the 90 day limit is coming.
I don't want it to. I want to keep prolonging this moment to try and keep this feeling of comfort. But I know what I promised and I will honor my promise. And I know that comfort is a sign of giving up or a settling for what is. Not in a "present moment" type of way but in a "oh well" kind of way. A giving up because life isn't interesting anymore.
I want a life that is Interesting. Mysterious. Full of Wisdom. A life that demonstrates a subtle surrendering to the elements of existence. And in that surrendering finds the secrets of life.
Starting today I will limit my intake to 1.5 kratom and 1/4 of my cannabis use.
Intake today: 1.5 kratom, cannabis
The goal is clean. The goal is substance free. The goal is less than 20 days away. The goal is to beat any and all things that have mastery over me. And then become the master of it.
I don't want it to. I want to keep prolonging this moment to try and keep this feeling of comfort. But I know what I promised and I will honor my promise. And I know that comfort is a sign of giving up or a settling for what is. Not in a "present moment" type of way but in a "oh well" kind of way. A giving up because life isn't interesting anymore.
I want a life that is Interesting. Mysterious. Full of Wisdom. A life that demonstrates a subtle surrendering to the elements of existence. And in that surrendering finds the secrets of life.
Starting today I will limit my intake to 1.5 kratom and 1/4 of my cannabis use.
Intake today: 1.5 kratom, cannabis
The goal is clean. The goal is substance free. The goal is less than 20 days away. The goal is to beat any and all things that have mastery over me. And then become the master of it.
Monday, April 10, 2017
Day 70
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis
I have a headache today, all day long almost. I need to go to bed. Short but sweet today.
I have a headache today, all day long almost. I need to go to bed. Short but sweet today.
Sunday, April 09, 2017
Day SixtyEight&Nine
Been traveling with my wife this weekend. Ended up in Hollywood at a thought leaders conference. It was pretty good. Amazing actually.
I'm truly living each day with more and more intention and awareness. What just was so real 2 months ago has now become a distant memory. We can truly live whatever life we can imagine. There are no limits. But there are consequences.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom 5 times today and cannabis.
If moments can be this good now then why can't they always be this good? Or are they always good we just choose what perspective to see it through?
I'm going to spend this bit of time I have at the airport hanging out with my wife and building our relationship:) Much love!
I'm truly living each day with more and more intention and awareness. What just was so real 2 months ago has now become a distant memory. We can truly live whatever life we can imagine. There are no limits. But there are consequences.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom 5 times today and cannabis.
If moments can be this good now then why can't they always be this good? Or are they always good we just choose what perspective to see it through?
I'm going to spend this bit of time I have at the airport hanging out with my wife and building our relationship:) Much love!
Friday, April 07, 2017
Day SixtySeven
Drug Intake today: 2g kratom 5 times a day. Cannabis.
I suppose I should say more than 2g because I dose 2 grams 4-5 times a day. I started about a month ago only posting what my dose was. At first I was dosing 8-10 grams kratom. Then stated going down from there. I'm at about 8-12 grams a day depending on how many times I dose. I will usually wake up and dose 2 grams, then every 4 hours through the day. If I wake up early then I dose more, if I sleep in later then less.
I feel the best and most balanced at the 2 gram dose. I still have underlining cravings for things. Usually it's nicotine or something to satisfy after I eat a meal. I've vary aware of it and have been keeping mental record.
As day 90 approaches I try and come up with many reasons to stay on kratom. I like not being high on dope and boost. If kratom can keep me from that now and possibly forever then would it be viable to stop its use? At least thats what I ask myself.
I stay focused on where I want to be and will track my progress daily.
I suppose I should say more than 2g because I dose 2 grams 4-5 times a day. I started about a month ago only posting what my dose was. At first I was dosing 8-10 grams kratom. Then stated going down from there. I'm at about 8-12 grams a day depending on how many times I dose. I will usually wake up and dose 2 grams, then every 4 hours through the day. If I wake up early then I dose more, if I sleep in later then less.
I feel the best and most balanced at the 2 gram dose. I still have underlining cravings for things. Usually it's nicotine or something to satisfy after I eat a meal. I've vary aware of it and have been keeping mental record.
As day 90 approaches I try and come up with many reasons to stay on kratom. I like not being high on dope and boost. If kratom can keep me from that now and possibly forever then would it be viable to stop its use? At least thats what I ask myself.
I stay focused on where I want to be and will track my progress daily.
Thursday, April 06, 2017
Day SitxySix
Traveling with my wife today to a conference in Hollywood. Again, traveling is a fun thing to do. I feel so much better than the last time we traveled to the HPA event at like day 45 or something. I feel really really good actually.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis
For years I would get drinks on the plane or at the airport bar. I would get hammered before I'd get on the plane. I was wreckless. There are so many memories of me high on airplanes. It always seemed like such a fun thing for me to do, travel and get really high.
I feel so much better not drinking. I feel so much better not smoking. I feel so much better when I wake up in the morning and when I talk to people. I'm not in pain anymore.
As addicts we carry so much pain with us it's crazy. It's like a part of us that we can't ever depart from and the more we try to get rid of it the more it strangles us. I once heard a guru say, "pain is necessary until it is unnecessary."
Pain is a tutor. It's only supposed to be a tutor and nothing else. It's not supposed to form us and identify as us. It's there to teach us, guide us, and make us whole. Without pain there would be no gain...without hell there is no heaven...without struggle there is no victory.
Yes, pain hurts. Yes we live in that pain often. Yes it is a literal hell that we choose to endure or hold onto. We have the choice to choose what life we will live. We can be a person that loves or a person that hates. Each day and at every moment we have that choice.
We choose.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis
For years I would get drinks on the plane or at the airport bar. I would get hammered before I'd get on the plane. I was wreckless. There are so many memories of me high on airplanes. It always seemed like such a fun thing for me to do, travel and get really high.
I feel so much better not drinking. I feel so much better not smoking. I feel so much better when I wake up in the morning and when I talk to people. I'm not in pain anymore.
As addicts we carry so much pain with us it's crazy. It's like a part of us that we can't ever depart from and the more we try to get rid of it the more it strangles us. I once heard a guru say, "pain is necessary until it is unnecessary."
Pain is a tutor. It's only supposed to be a tutor and nothing else. It's not supposed to form us and identify as us. It's there to teach us, guide us, and make us whole. Without pain there would be no gain...without hell there is no heaven...without struggle there is no victory.
Yes, pain hurts. Yes we live in that pain often. Yes it is a literal hell that we choose to endure or hold onto. We have the choice to choose what life we will live. We can be a person that loves or a person that hates. Each day and at every moment we have that choice.
We choose.
Wednesday, April 05, 2017
Day SixtyFive
Another day where I have noticed another boost in energy and focus. It seems I'm really gaining back my true form the longer I go without opiates. I really feel better and better and seem to have gained ability to keep my state balanced and focused. I'm still on my current kratom dose 4 times a day and small doses of cannabis throughout the day to help consistency. It's truly the most balanced I've felt in years.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis
My sleep is dependent on the kratom. I wake up each morning from 3am-6am and dose 1-2g and sleep for another 3-4 hours. It's become a daily activity and I don't mind it...mostly because I wake up feeling very balanced. It's a huge change for me personally and mentally because waking up has always been one of the hardest things for me to be good at. Where I'm at today with my mornings has never been before. It's pretty magical.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis
My sleep is dependent on the kratom. I wake up each morning from 3am-6am and dose 1-2g and sleep for another 3-4 hours. It's become a daily activity and I don't mind it...mostly because I wake up feeling very balanced. It's a huge change for me personally and mentally because waking up has always been one of the hardest things for me to be good at. Where I'm at today with my mornings has never been before. It's pretty magical.
Tuesday, April 04, 2017
Day SixtyFour
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis.
I don't really think about the 90 days mark. What I think is that I'll keep on writing and doing this blog each day anyway. I don't plan on how long it will last but I plan on it nonetheless.
Everyday is full and becoming better and more. It's very welcoming.
I don't really think about the 90 days mark. What I think is that I'll keep on writing and doing this blog each day anyway. I don't plan on how long it will last but I plan on it nonetheless.
Everyday is full and becoming better and more. It's very welcoming.
Monday, April 03, 2017
Day SixtyThree
I'm really feeling better and better everyday. At least with well being and energy. I've been taking a while to wake up each morning but each time I do it really makes my day go really well. It's almost like a mediation in some ways. Overall I'm really gaining more and more ability to be aware of my life.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis
Doing such a low dose of kratom is beneficial in a lot of ways without the side effects. It keeps my stomach satisfied if or when I crave a beer. Kratom takes away the desire for more which is a very beneficial medication when dealing with opiate addiction.
Just really enjoying the process on day 63. I longed for days like this when I was a slave to dope. It truly is heaven compared to day 1.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis
Doing such a low dose of kratom is beneficial in a lot of ways without the side effects. It keeps my stomach satisfied if or when I crave a beer. Kratom takes away the desire for more which is a very beneficial medication when dealing with opiate addiction.
Just really enjoying the process on day 63. I longed for days like this when I was a slave to dope. It truly is heaven compared to day 1.
Day SixtTwo
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis.
I'm getting more comfortable in my daily activities. The sun is coming out because it's spring and it's really really nice. For sure my favorite time of year.
I spent a lot of today (Sunday) just relaxing with the family. It was a good day.
I'm getting more comfortable in my daily activities. The sun is coming out because it's spring and it's really really nice. For sure my favorite time of year.
I spent a lot of today (Sunday) just relaxing with the family. It was a good day.
Saturday, April 01, 2017
Day SixtyOne
I've been looking or my purpose for years. Every year the last few I've been pretty amazed by the things I've accomplished. Most of it not planned. So I figured I'd just forget about finding my purpose and enjoy life instead. But life isn't always clean and crisp.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis
I honestly live life a pretty sloppy life according to the norm. I sleep in each day till about 7:30-8am. And my morning routine is like this. It takes me about 15-30 minutes to fully open my eyes. It's like hitting snooze but I don't have an alarm clock. My body just does it this way.
I then lay in bed for a least an hour and work. I'll start slow with stocks, weather, finances, and news updates and then go deeper into email and actual decision making stuff.
It usually last an hour. I know some people are early morning people thinking that the day is half over by 9am but for me it's just starting. I'll take my time getting up and right before 10am I usually have to force myself to eat because I'm just not a breakfast person. But breakfast is so much better for the energy in my day. And my lady always has something made for me these days.
But my life is sloppy because its so late into the morning isn't it. As CEO you's think I'd be at the office at 7am sharp! To most people they would never guess that I would waste my mornings like that. But to me it's not wasted...it's heaven!
I do it because its a really close second to what heaven would be like.
My bed is the softest thing in the world...it really is damn close. My pillow is fantastically perfect. My room is so comfortable. My view is breathtaking and it's my favorite place in the world. That's why I do it...and I love every minute of it.
If I could exstend heaven then I'll do it.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis
I honestly live life a pretty sloppy life according to the norm. I sleep in each day till about 7:30-8am. And my morning routine is like this. It takes me about 15-30 minutes to fully open my eyes. It's like hitting snooze but I don't have an alarm clock. My body just does it this way.
I then lay in bed for a least an hour and work. I'll start slow with stocks, weather, finances, and news updates and then go deeper into email and actual decision making stuff.
It usually last an hour. I know some people are early morning people thinking that the day is half over by 9am but for me it's just starting. I'll take my time getting up and right before 10am I usually have to force myself to eat because I'm just not a breakfast person. But breakfast is so much better for the energy in my day. And my lady always has something made for me these days.
But my life is sloppy because its so late into the morning isn't it. As CEO you's think I'd be at the office at 7am sharp! To most people they would never guess that I would waste my mornings like that. But to me it's not wasted...it's heaven!
I do it because its a really close second to what heaven would be like.
My bed is the softest thing in the world...it really is damn close. My pillow is fantastically perfect. My room is so comfortable. My view is breathtaking and it's my favorite place in the world. That's why I do it...and I love every minute of it.
If I could exstend heaven then I'll do it.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis
Friday, March 31, 2017
Day Sixty "Two Months"
I was sitting in this exact spot two months ago the first day i wrote this blog.
I was addicted to a little over a gram of heroin a day. All my feelings of happiness and joy where fully muted. So much so that all I felt was numb.
I just wanted out. All I could think about was what life would be like if I wasn't on dope. I wanted so bad to fix my problem. And so I did.
And now I'm here 60 days later to say "I did it!"
I mean I still smoke a bit of cannabis and take small doses of kratom but for the fact that I'm opiate free is pretty amazing.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis.
As I said yesterday I will begin to taper my cannabis use and then kratom. I have 30 days.
I was addicted to a little over a gram of heroin a day. All my feelings of happiness and joy where fully muted. So much so that all I felt was numb.
I just wanted out. All I could think about was what life would be like if I wasn't on dope. I wanted so bad to fix my problem. And so I did.
And now I'm here 60 days later to say "I did it!"
I mean I still smoke a bit of cannabis and take small doses of kratom but for the fact that I'm opiate free is pretty amazing.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis.
As I said yesterday I will begin to taper my cannabis use and then kratom. I have 30 days.
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Day 59
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis.
I've been dosing kratom less but each time I do dose it averages out a bit above 2g. I got a headache from kratom today and fell that it's time to stop this feel good place that I've been in. It's been about 4 weeks that I've just been coasting along with this marriage between weed and kratom. It's a good mix, I like it. But it doesn't serve me and I fully know it.
I can't forget what I started 59 days ago. This project has been a daily reminder of my addiction to heroin.
Now being clean-er I can see how people turn back to drugs for escape. If I was still drinking I'd be easily swayed but due to the fact that I've made a decision to not drink I now have ability to chose right rather than wrong. I am aware of how I'm drawn toward the cycle of addiction, I can see the triggers and thought patterns I'd usually use or follow. Just noticing the feelings and thoughts when triggers happen has me very aware of the thought pattern I would always use sub-consciously. Also, this experience is different at how I see myself and the overall awareness I became aware of recently.
It seems each time I have a very huge disruption in life I get deep deep insights and really end up wrestling through my thoughts and experiences and coming out much more refined and way more humble.
I'm going to set a deadline. 90 days. I have about 30 days left. I'll begin with the cannabis then the kratom. as much as I like this combo I feel I can inly enjoy the honeymoon so long. Time to step up.
I've been dosing kratom less but each time I do dose it averages out a bit above 2g. I got a headache from kratom today and fell that it's time to stop this feel good place that I've been in. It's been about 4 weeks that I've just been coasting along with this marriage between weed and kratom. It's a good mix, I like it. But it doesn't serve me and I fully know it.
I can't forget what I started 59 days ago. This project has been a daily reminder of my addiction to heroin.
Now being clean-er I can see how people turn back to drugs for escape. If I was still drinking I'd be easily swayed but due to the fact that I've made a decision to not drink I now have ability to chose right rather than wrong. I am aware of how I'm drawn toward the cycle of addiction, I can see the triggers and thought patterns I'd usually use or follow. Just noticing the feelings and thoughts when triggers happen has me very aware of the thought pattern I would always use sub-consciously. Also, this experience is different at how I see myself and the overall awareness I became aware of recently.
It seems each time I have a very huge disruption in life I get deep deep insights and really end up wrestling through my thoughts and experiences and coming out much more refined and way more humble.
I'm going to set a deadline. 90 days. I have about 30 days left. I'll begin with the cannabis then the kratom. as much as I like this combo I feel I can inly enjoy the honeymoon so long. Time to step up.
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
Day 58
When I started this blog it seemed like one of the only things in life that I had at the moment. It's truly amazing how big and massive the outside world is compared to the inside life of a dope addict.
Drug intake: 1.5 kratom, cannabis.
I've been slowly taking less and less doses as the days move forward. It's been really comfortable the last couple weeks. However, I do know change and challenge is what I need to move forward. I still miss nicotine and think about it often for some reason. I have't stated exercising but I have been talking about it a ton lately.
Usually in my life I will talk about something for a while before I actually do it. The crazy thing is that I end up actually doing what I say I will. Sometimes it takes years but I always tend to follow through with what I speak out to myself and others.
It starts with an idea and then letting that idea be known. It's at that moment that you give that idea flesh and bone. Everything I've ever created I thought about first.
Drug intake: 1.5 kratom, cannabis.
I've been slowly taking less and less doses as the days move forward. It's been really comfortable the last couple weeks. However, I do know change and challenge is what I need to move forward. I still miss nicotine and think about it often for some reason. I have't stated exercising but I have been talking about it a ton lately.
Usually in my life I will talk about something for a while before I actually do it. The crazy thing is that I end up actually doing what I say I will. Sometimes it takes years but I always tend to follow through with what I speak out to myself and others.
It starts with an idea and then letting that idea be known. It's at that moment that you give that idea flesh and bone. Everything I've ever created I thought about first.
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
Day 57
I've always thought it was cool that I got 14 referrals to the principle's office my freshman year. I would tell that story all the time for years thinking it was crazy and rad at the same time. Where I came from it was a good thing to get in trouble and push against the status quo and all authority for that matter. I always hated the rules, always wanted to bend the rules, and have lived a life that resembles that. The more I realize that I'm creating this life...or co-creating this life the more amazing life gets.
Drug intake today: 1.5 kratom, cannabis.
I don't like antiques, never have. But for the sake of keeping my wife happy I endure the hardship. But something changed recently in me. I've began to think about living for the benefit of others while I am with them. It's very hard to stay focused on, intentionally, while you are with people and going out and about living your life. But I tend to remember throughout the day about live g with the benefit of others in mind.
So, this week my wife, two kids, and myself are driving home from Southern Oregon and she spots an antique shop on the side of the highway. She sees it and says, "Hey look, lets stop." In 16 years of marriage I have never stopped for a store like this. Mostly an antique store. Mostly on the side of the highway.
But by the time the sentence fully left her mouth I had already slowed the car down and was pulling off.
She looked at me in amazement as I came to a complete stop. I smiled at her and said, "What am I doing!" I have never stopped for my wife in 16 years. Always focused on the pot of gold and never enjoying life as we fight toward the end of the rainbow.
I was amazed!
At myself. "Am I really doing this?" I asked myself. It's not like I don't love my wife and all but when we are traveling (by car) the last thing I have ever desired is to prolong the trip. And stopping to shop is a huge prolonging of any trip. And I just have never done it (we had more important things to do).
But this time was different. My mind is working different lately. I'm actually looking forward to the awkwardnesses and oddities of an antique shop rather than be annoyed by them. I spend time now thinking, "what is life trying to show me, how can I learn form this experience, what is the lesson being taught here"
The entire time remembering that I'm trying to live with the benefit of others in mind!
I think it's possible to see from a lens of love and gratitude and soak everything in the universe through those lenses. It's Heaven on Earth. It does exist...
Drug intake today: 1.5 kratom, cannabis.
I don't like antiques, never have. But for the sake of keeping my wife happy I endure the hardship. But something changed recently in me. I've began to think about living for the benefit of others while I am with them. It's very hard to stay focused on, intentionally, while you are with people and going out and about living your life. But I tend to remember throughout the day about live g with the benefit of others in mind.
So, this week my wife, two kids, and myself are driving home from Southern Oregon and she spots an antique shop on the side of the highway. She sees it and says, "Hey look, lets stop." In 16 years of marriage I have never stopped for a store like this. Mostly an antique store. Mostly on the side of the highway.
But by the time the sentence fully left her mouth I had already slowed the car down and was pulling off.
She looked at me in amazement as I came to a complete stop. I smiled at her and said, "What am I doing!" I have never stopped for my wife in 16 years. Always focused on the pot of gold and never enjoying life as we fight toward the end of the rainbow.
I was amazed!
At myself. "Am I really doing this?" I asked myself. It's not like I don't love my wife and all but when we are traveling (by car) the last thing I have ever desired is to prolong the trip. And stopping to shop is a huge prolonging of any trip. And I just have never done it (we had more important things to do).
But this time was different. My mind is working different lately. I'm actually looking forward to the awkwardnesses and oddities of an antique shop rather than be annoyed by them. I spend time now thinking, "what is life trying to show me, how can I learn form this experience, what is the lesson being taught here"
The entire time remembering that I'm trying to live with the benefit of others in mind!
I think it's possible to see from a lens of love and gratitude and soak everything in the universe through those lenses. It's Heaven on Earth. It does exist...
Monday, March 27, 2017
Day 56
Drug intake today: 1.5g kratom, cannabis.
Once again I really think this combination is beneficial for me at this time. I've been eating healthy-er and focusing on being aware of what I'm doing each day. I'll keep my promise and be substance free by the time I finish this blog, at least the 90 day point.
So I stopped drinking once I got off heroin. I really actually like not drinking. Alcohol really was and is a big compromise for me. I always loved getting a micro beer at a restaurant or tasting a really good wine and it will be missed. But the way I feel now without drinking is amazing.
And I don't get hammered usually when I drink and I never considered myself an alcoholic. But what does happen is anytime I've ever gone deeper and deeper into drug addiction alcohol was always there to nurse me along. It's something I know is my turning point. If I drink I chose to take that step toward a place without boundaries. I always want more when I drink alcohol. Either more to drink, something to smoke, anything to keep the buzz going you know.
A cocktail of drugs isn't complete without alcohol.
If all I have to do is sacrifice drinking alcohol to never do drugs again then I will gladly never take another drink again.
Once again I really think this combination is beneficial for me at this time. I've been eating healthy-er and focusing on being aware of what I'm doing each day. I'll keep my promise and be substance free by the time I finish this blog, at least the 90 day point.
So I stopped drinking once I got off heroin. I really actually like not drinking. Alcohol really was and is a big compromise for me. I always loved getting a micro beer at a restaurant or tasting a really good wine and it will be missed. But the way I feel now without drinking is amazing.
And I don't get hammered usually when I drink and I never considered myself an alcoholic. But what does happen is anytime I've ever gone deeper and deeper into drug addiction alcohol was always there to nurse me along. It's something I know is my turning point. If I drink I chose to take that step toward a place without boundaries. I always want more when I drink alcohol. Either more to drink, something to smoke, anything to keep the buzz going you know.
A cocktail of drugs isn't complete without alcohol.
If all I have to do is sacrifice drinking alcohol to never do drugs again then I will gladly never take another drink again.
Sunday, March 26, 2017
Day 53, 54, and 55
Today is Sunday. I left town Thursday to attend my mothers memorial service. While I remembered to post I figured adding all days into one will work due to the nature of the trip and the time it actually takes to travel...with a family. Still I've never done anything like this for more than 50 days in a row so that by itself is pretty cool.
Drug intake the last 3 days: 1.5-2 kratom, cannabis.
I've gotten in this mini routine where I dose my kratom and cannabis fairly regularly. So much to a point that I'm usually always under the influence of one of the substances. I really would like to be able to balance this combination if possible. As much as I want to be fully substance free I do have this fear that I will start craving dope at some level. Where I am at the moment really seems to be a good spot. I totally don't want to just stay here, I want to grow, but it's hard I suppose to want to really give them up. Just being honest. That's a huge reason why I write this anyway, I want to be open and honest. I want to really share what real thoughts I have and how I struggle through them.
What I've realized is that we all can live whatever lives we want. I have tested and this principle in life many times and in hundreds of different ways. We all have the ability to make our life, and in a sense, co-create with what we've all been given or received. Some choose to go one direction and others choose another. Each has their own values. Each given their own mind. Each received a choice to choose.
Some choose scarcity and laziness. Others choose abundance and passion. Whatever path we choose their is consequence both good and bad. Living our lives with the benefit of others in mind is key. It wouldn't be possible every second of the day, to live for others, but consistently and as much as possible would be decent wouldn't it? What would a life like that look like and what would the rewards be?
We all know that taking and using things that may not be benefiting us, even though it may be legal, is not not beneficial. Yeah, not not. Becasue there may be benefit in moderation...if moderation is even possible.
Drug intake the last 3 days: 1.5-2 kratom, cannabis.
I've gotten in this mini routine where I dose my kratom and cannabis fairly regularly. So much to a point that I'm usually always under the influence of one of the substances. I really would like to be able to balance this combination if possible. As much as I want to be fully substance free I do have this fear that I will start craving dope at some level. Where I am at the moment really seems to be a good spot. I totally don't want to just stay here, I want to grow, but it's hard I suppose to want to really give them up. Just being honest. That's a huge reason why I write this anyway, I want to be open and honest. I want to really share what real thoughts I have and how I struggle through them.
What I've realized is that we all can live whatever lives we want. I have tested and this principle in life many times and in hundreds of different ways. We all have the ability to make our life, and in a sense, co-create with what we've all been given or received. Some choose to go one direction and others choose another. Each has their own values. Each given their own mind. Each received a choice to choose.
Some choose scarcity and laziness. Others choose abundance and passion. Whatever path we choose their is consequence both good and bad. Living our lives with the benefit of others in mind is key. It wouldn't be possible every second of the day, to live for others, but consistently and as much as possible would be decent wouldn't it? What would a life like that look like and what would the rewards be?
We all know that taking and using things that may not be benefiting us, even though it may be legal, is not not beneficial. Yeah, not not. Becasue there may be benefit in moderation...if moderation is even possible.
mod·er·a·tion
ˌmädəˈrāSH(ə)n/
noun
- 1.the avoidance of excess or extremes, especially in one's behavior or political opinions."he urged the police to show moderation"
synonyms: self-restraint, restraint, self-control, self-command, self-discipline; More - 2.PHYSICSthe retardation of neutrons by a moderator.
Thursday, March 23, 2017
Day 52
I built a life that I can pretty much be and do whatever I want. The odd part about reaching success is the point you get when you not only reach your goals but fully surpass them. It's in that arena that I been wondering around in trying to figure out.
Intake today: 1.5 kratom, cannabis.
I've been hitting the cannabis more and sometimes earlier in the day one I stopped smoking. They're very low doses but still it's something. I tend to gain more awareness at some points on cannabis, certain strains are really medicinal in a lot of ways. I know it's better than pharmaceuticals and I guarantee doctors would prescribe something if i told them how my mind really functions.
All in all I've never been more able than I am today. Again, each day gets better and better and my mind is becoming more and more aware.
Intake today: 1.5 kratom, cannabis.
I've been hitting the cannabis more and sometimes earlier in the day one I stopped smoking. They're very low doses but still it's something. I tend to gain more awareness at some points on cannabis, certain strains are really medicinal in a lot of ways. I know it's better than pharmaceuticals and I guarantee doctors would prescribe something if i told them how my mind really functions.
All in all I've never been more able than I am today. Again, each day gets better and better and my mind is becoming more and more aware.
Wednesday, March 22, 2017
Day 51
I drove to Spokane today to pitch a product to a corporate retail company. I haven't sold in a while and I ended up really liking it. I enjoyed talking about my business and what it is all about and why it's what it is today. I fund that I end up getting on a common ground with other humans. I mean, everyone is always so uptight and for good reason, this life is tough.
What I find though is that all humans want to be comfortable. If you can find out how to make them comfortable you will do well in life.
Drug intake today: 1.5 kratom, cannabis.
What I find though is that all humans want to be comfortable. If you can find out how to make them comfortable you will do well in life.
Drug intake today: 1.5 kratom, cannabis.
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
Day 50
Fifty days. That's a big deal. Fist, because I've been able to beat heroin and second, because I've written something everyday for 50 days. Never done that before.
Most of the time I don't feel like writing and then once I do I actually start to enjoy it. It seems that how a lot of things are in my life. Every time I do anything I have to initially focus on it even though it's uncomfortable. Even easy things.
Drug Intake today: 1.5g kratom, cannabis.
I like moving at the pace I am right now. I feel that I'm progressing and doing well. I will continue on this mental path until day 90. I like writing this blog because It helps remind me where i'm at each day. You know, we all tend to get lost unless we find the center in our lives.
The more time we spend at center the better.
Most of the time I don't feel like writing and then once I do I actually start to enjoy it. It seems that how a lot of things are in my life. Every time I do anything I have to initially focus on it even though it's uncomfortable. Even easy things.
Drug Intake today: 1.5g kratom, cannabis.
I like moving at the pace I am right now. I feel that I'm progressing and doing well. I will continue on this mental path until day 90. I like writing this blog because It helps remind me where i'm at each day. You know, we all tend to get lost unless we find the center in our lives.
The more time we spend at center the better.
Monday, March 20, 2017
Day 49
Ever since I was really young I always wanted to be open about drug use. For some reason when I was a teenager I saw it as a legit thing that meant you were cool. I would be open about it to friends, family, anyone. I just always thought it would be more of a help if everyone was just open about their life and the way we live. I really thought that we all were responsible for helping bring more awareness to the world.
Drug intake today: 1.5g kratom, cannabis.
I've been going back and forth with kratom the last week or so. 1.5 to 2 to 1.5 again. I'm not eating all the time because I forget or feel I hungry but just don;t take the time to eat. So I dose kratom instead and it helps with the hunger pains and I get that boost of energy. It's becoming a necessity sleep more than 6 hours. I wake up every really early each morning to dose the kratom due to stomach pain.
It's such a low dose you'd think it's not that big of a deal but I'm very aware and I'm still unsure if the disadvantages outweigh the advantages to quitting the kratom. Being on kratom I don't think about heroin, I don't have cravings for anything else, it's really cheap. I think a lot of this is mind games to and the last thing I'd want is to be lead back down the path to opiates. As far away as that seems I know I've thought that same way before.
My goal is in 90 days be substance free and it's day 49. Lets me just say life is magic when you are fully there.
Drug intake today: 1.5g kratom, cannabis.
I've been going back and forth with kratom the last week or so. 1.5 to 2 to 1.5 again. I'm not eating all the time because I forget or feel I hungry but just don;t take the time to eat. So I dose kratom instead and it helps with the hunger pains and I get that boost of energy. It's becoming a necessity sleep more than 6 hours. I wake up every really early each morning to dose the kratom due to stomach pain.
It's such a low dose you'd think it's not that big of a deal but I'm very aware and I'm still unsure if the disadvantages outweigh the advantages to quitting the kratom. Being on kratom I don't think about heroin, I don't have cravings for anything else, it's really cheap. I think a lot of this is mind games to and the last thing I'd want is to be lead back down the path to opiates. As far away as that seems I know I've thought that same way before.
My goal is in 90 days be substance free and it's day 49. Lets me just say life is magic when you are fully there.
Sunday, March 19, 2017
Day 48
It was a sunny day today.
Drug intake: 1.5g kratom, cannabis.
It's like day 5 without nicotine. It was a long time for the cravings to subside, I really liked nicotine. I'm glad it's one thing I won't have to worry about at the moment. Now that it's over I don't have to worry about its issues that come with use.
I'd really like to quit both kratom and weed soon. The only way is by replacing it with something that will make me feel better, exercise. I actually ran on the treadmill yesterday and it felt great. It was for only 5 minutes though. Nevertheless, it was good.
I know what to do it's just that doing it consistently is what's hard. Staying focus like all the guru's say isn't easy for me and the discipline needed seems far away. The whole idea is to figure out what I want then to go get it. The issue is that what I want seems to shift and change almost daily in some areas. What I wanted yesterday is then replaced with what I want today. My wants and desires flow in and out with each day as it passes.
I've always lived that way. At least to a certain point. Always course correcting as I move along in this journey. My life has shifted so much so many times that my personal values have shifted and changed multiple times in the last two decades. Every 5 years or so I have to make a major adjustment that parallels with the pattern of my life and existence. It never seems to be stationary or "figured out." I'm always searching and trying to figure out life but only with so much focus and desire.
Like everything, I tend to stay focused for a period of time until I either reach the goal or I reach a dead end and have to start over. Every time I gain a little life lesson.
Drug intake: 1.5g kratom, cannabis.
It's like day 5 without nicotine. It was a long time for the cravings to subside, I really liked nicotine. I'm glad it's one thing I won't have to worry about at the moment. Now that it's over I don't have to worry about its issues that come with use.
I'd really like to quit both kratom and weed soon. The only way is by replacing it with something that will make me feel better, exercise. I actually ran on the treadmill yesterday and it felt great. It was for only 5 minutes though. Nevertheless, it was good.
I know what to do it's just that doing it consistently is what's hard. Staying focus like all the guru's say isn't easy for me and the discipline needed seems far away. The whole idea is to figure out what I want then to go get it. The issue is that what I want seems to shift and change almost daily in some areas. What I wanted yesterday is then replaced with what I want today. My wants and desires flow in and out with each day as it passes.
I've always lived that way. At least to a certain point. Always course correcting as I move along in this journey. My life has shifted so much so many times that my personal values have shifted and changed multiple times in the last two decades. Every 5 years or so I have to make a major adjustment that parallels with the pattern of my life and existence. It never seems to be stationary or "figured out." I'm always searching and trying to figure out life but only with so much focus and desire.
Like everything, I tend to stay focused for a period of time until I either reach the goal or I reach a dead end and have to start over. Every time I gain a little life lesson.
Saturday, March 18, 2017
Day 47
I haven't done anything intently for 47 days in a long time. Just making sure I write every day about my day has been the challenge. I think at first it seemed like the only voice I had. I was in absolute physical pain and I really wanted to make sure I would remember this difficult yet profound journey in my life.
I like being able to be honest and just say what is on my mind. I've watched so many humans hide their struggle and act like they aren't human. It's hard to be human. While we are mammals we are so driven by our minds and it seems to be getting more and more focused on who we are, what we were born to do, and ultimately fulfilling our purpose.
I had many purposes in my life. Many were selfish, many were ego centric, and many were just human. Each time I was given a purpose it was shaken to its core and found to be wanting. It was an ever fading rainbow that never provided contentment or satisfaction. At least not long lasting satisfaction.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis.
I'm still craving nicotine but each day it's getting easier and easier. I really liked nicotine.
To be honest, I'm ready to stop using kratom and cannabis. It's been a slow process but I feel soon I will step back and be blessed I kept a record to my recovery. So blessed to be here.
I like being able to be honest and just say what is on my mind. I've watched so many humans hide their struggle and act like they aren't human. It's hard to be human. While we are mammals we are so driven by our minds and it seems to be getting more and more focused on who we are, what we were born to do, and ultimately fulfilling our purpose.
I had many purposes in my life. Many were selfish, many were ego centric, and many were just human. Each time I was given a purpose it was shaken to its core and found to be wanting. It was an ever fading rainbow that never provided contentment or satisfaction. At least not long lasting satisfaction.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis.
I'm still craving nicotine but each day it's getting easier and easier. I really liked nicotine.
To be honest, I'm ready to stop using kratom and cannabis. It's been a slow process but I feel soon I will step back and be blessed I kept a record to my recovery. So blessed to be here.
Friday, March 17, 2017
Day 46
I really need to start exercising. I know if I was to get a routine down to at least stretch or something it would benefit me. I do feel tired throughout the day and not with a ton of energy. I've been drinking green juice all the time, eating pretty regularly and spending a lot of time at the office. Each day feels full and good but I think I don't get that much intentional stuff done.
I want to start being more organized and intentional.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis...
Nicotine is done. I still have cravings but it's largely gone. I have been taking cannabis earlier in the day the last couple days. Nothing over the top but nonetheless not in moderation enough. I don't feel as productive and clear unless I'm fully in the moment and clear minded.
I know my best self if a fully clean clear self. It's my goal to reach that clean clear self.
I want to start being more organized and intentional.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis...
Nicotine is done. I still have cravings but it's largely gone. I have been taking cannabis earlier in the day the last couple days. Nothing over the top but nonetheless not in moderation enough. I don't feel as productive and clear unless I'm fully in the moment and clear minded.
I know my best self if a fully clean clear self. It's my goal to reach that clean clear self.
Thursday, March 16, 2017
Day 45
I had my blood drawn today. My wife and I haven't been able to have kids since our son 12 year ago. She's always wanted more babies but they never came. So after 12 years we've decided to try IVF. So tardy I had my blood drawn and it was dark red. Asking the lady taking my blood, "Is blood always that dark red?" She said, "no, its just means it isn't oxygenated." She said it was from not drinking that much water.
I thought, "I always feel tired, fatigued, always needing a boost." I never drink water. I do but barely.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis, nicotine.
I changed kratom and the 2 grams doesn't feel the same. I'm still going to stay at 2g but the potency isn't the same. It's fine, I need to keep tapering. Cannabis has been my go to not having that much nicotine but I feel moderation would be my friend in all of this.
I will begin to drink more water. Overtime I see a glass or water fountain I will use that as a trigger to drink more water. If it means I'll have more energy and vibrance then why wouldn't I do it. It's just water.
I thought, "I always feel tired, fatigued, always needing a boost." I never drink water. I do but barely.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis, nicotine.
I changed kratom and the 2 grams doesn't feel the same. I'm still going to stay at 2g but the potency isn't the same. It's fine, I need to keep tapering. Cannabis has been my go to not having that much nicotine but I feel moderation would be my friend in all of this.
I will begin to drink more water. Overtime I see a glass or water fountain I will use that as a trigger to drink more water. If it means I'll have more energy and vibrance then why wouldn't I do it. It's just water.
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
Day 44
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis, nicotine.
Traveling was fun and it's always so refreshing to get back home after. I really stacked my day with meetings and time to give to my managers. I've noticed how much more of a leader I am when I spend time encouraging and challenging my people.
My company is in a very healthy time right now, things are running a full steam and it's very rewarding to see all the growth. The next few months will be record breaking and nonstop through summer. My team is doing so well and my responsibility to lead has never been so needed.
I've spent a good amount of time figuring my life out. It seems some people know what their purpose is even when they were kids. Finding my purpose has been a journey that seems like that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Every time I get close to getting it it fades further away, like it's a never ending pursuit. I want it so bad and probably don't even realize I'm already doing it.
Just reading the first two paragraphs tells me I am fulfilling my current purpose. Lead well, travel, and run your business.
Traveling was fun and it's always so refreshing to get back home after. I really stacked my day with meetings and time to give to my managers. I've noticed how much more of a leader I am when I spend time encouraging and challenging my people.
My company is in a very healthy time right now, things are running a full steam and it's very rewarding to see all the growth. The next few months will be record breaking and nonstop through summer. My team is doing so well and my responsibility to lead has never been so needed.
I've spent a good amount of time figuring my life out. It seems some people know what their purpose is even when they were kids. Finding my purpose has been a journey that seems like that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Every time I get close to getting it it fades further away, like it's a never ending pursuit. I want it so bad and probably don't even realize I'm already doing it.
Just reading the first two paragraphs tells me I am fulfilling my current purpose. Lead well, travel, and run your business.
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
Day 43
Today is a day of travel. The thing that I enjoy about traveling is that you are almost always going. Not a hurried busy-like going but more a focus and direct movement into whatever it is you are traveling for. I heard somewhere that if you struggle to meditate that you should travel. I find almost a long lasting awareness when I travel. It's very surreal.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis, nicotine
So it's been 2 days without vaping. It's a continual desire to smoke but the nicotine from the chewing tobacco helps with the cravings, however, my lip is starting to not like it already. Other than that I've been very low on the cannabis too. One reason being is that when I threw away my vape I also threw away my way of smoking cannabis. I had to rig up something that would burn cannabis wax and it wasn't easy and thus I've been smoking very little if any at all.
The kratom is still at 2g. I spaced it much longer today than normal and will continue to space it more and more and then drop to 1.5g then to 1g. I think it'll last another week or two. I hope by day 60 to only be using cannabis and only in very small amounts.
Overall, this was one of the better vacations I've had in awhile. Not drinking and getting really high has given me the ability to watch my family, see the world around me, and live with a ton of gratitude. My life is pretty great, I am surrounded by love if I look for it, and the more I focus on helping others the better my life gets.
If we give more than we receive we win. It's not easy, it's actually really hard to be selfless.
I know that when I practice selflessness my world becomes brighter and much more clear. "The greatest amount you will be the servant of all." Jesus wasn't an idiot.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis, nicotine
So it's been 2 days without vaping. It's a continual desire to smoke but the nicotine from the chewing tobacco helps with the cravings, however, my lip is starting to not like it already. Other than that I've been very low on the cannabis too. One reason being is that when I threw away my vape I also threw away my way of smoking cannabis. I had to rig up something that would burn cannabis wax and it wasn't easy and thus I've been smoking very little if any at all.
The kratom is still at 2g. I spaced it much longer today than normal and will continue to space it more and more and then drop to 1.5g then to 1g. I think it'll last another week or two. I hope by day 60 to only be using cannabis and only in very small amounts.
Overall, this was one of the better vacations I've had in awhile. Not drinking and getting really high has given me the ability to watch my family, see the world around me, and live with a ton of gratitude. My life is pretty great, I am surrounded by love if I look for it, and the more I focus on helping others the better my life gets.
If we give more than we receive we win. It's not easy, it's actually really hard to be selfless.
I know that when I practice selflessness my world becomes brighter and much more clear. "The greatest amount you will be the servant of all." Jesus wasn't an idiot.
Monday, March 13, 2017
Day 42
Today my wife and I met our kids and the grandma at San Diego Safari Park. It was a fun few hours seeing animals, being in that habitat, and walking together. I really enjoyed it.
Usually I wouldn't go to a theme part unless they had beer. I could never make it more than an hour at any kind of fun park without a few beers to give me the energy to endure. Going today was fun because I was able to enjoy the entire experience.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis, and nicotine.
I ended up going back to 2 grams of kratom because it was necessary. It was an it wasn't. I was feeling a bit more tired than usual and adding that little bit extra seemed to keep me more balanced. It's such a small dose and most people wouldn't even notice the difference but I do. It helped toward the end of the day and the amount of energy I spent.
Not having my vape was difficult. I was puffing on that thing all day long so just the habit of that was hard to get through today. I did buy a can of Copenhagen chewing tobacco and it's helped with the nicotine craving. I'll just use it few days to get through the initial cravings and then be done.
It was a good day. Everyday gets better.
Usually I wouldn't go to a theme part unless they had beer. I could never make it more than an hour at any kind of fun park without a few beers to give me the energy to endure. Going today was fun because I was able to enjoy the entire experience.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis, and nicotine.
I ended up going back to 2 grams of kratom because it was necessary. It was an it wasn't. I was feeling a bit more tired than usual and adding that little bit extra seemed to keep me more balanced. It's such a small dose and most people wouldn't even notice the difference but I do. It helped toward the end of the day and the amount of energy I spent.
Not having my vape was difficult. I was puffing on that thing all day long so just the habit of that was hard to get through today. I did buy a can of Copenhagen chewing tobacco and it's helped with the nicotine craving. I'll just use it few days to get through the initial cravings and then be done.
It was a good day. Everyday gets better.
Sunday, March 12, 2017
Day 41
I was successful at cutting the kratom today. I'm at a solid 1.5g and have been feeling really good mentally and physically today and all this week.
Drug intake today: kratom 1.5g, cannabis, and nicotine.
Today I threw away my vape. It was in the middle of a "I hate puffing on this thing" and a little frustration with the time of the day and what was happening. I was in the middle of an argument with my wife and I was feeling slightly agitated. It's good though because it just means I don't have to worry about quitting vaping anymore.
I do have nicotine spray that has a dose for every mouth spray you use. I'll use it for a couple days and then be done. I feel this 90 day challenge will be more like 60 days and then I'll be done. I'll still post each day up to the 90 day mark just to track my daily progress and keep record.
Today is my 16th year anniversary but my lady and I have been fighting. Any other time I'd run to get high. I suppose cannabis takes that spot a bit but the outcome of marijuana is nothing even similar to hard dope. It doesn't't give you the numbness you get from opiates.
I'll soon be fully substance free. Fully. Only then can I know my decisions and desires in life are in balance with my mind and heart. It's a good goal, it's a condition any addict would love to reach or at least experience.
Drug intake today: kratom 1.5g, cannabis, and nicotine.
Today I threw away my vape. It was in the middle of a "I hate puffing on this thing" and a little frustration with the time of the day and what was happening. I was in the middle of an argument with my wife and I was feeling slightly agitated. It's good though because it just means I don't have to worry about quitting vaping anymore.
I do have nicotine spray that has a dose for every mouth spray you use. I'll use it for a couple days and then be done. I feel this 90 day challenge will be more like 60 days and then I'll be done. I'll still post each day up to the 90 day mark just to track my daily progress and keep record.
Today is my 16th year anniversary but my lady and I have been fighting. Any other time I'd run to get high. I suppose cannabis takes that spot a bit but the outcome of marijuana is nothing even similar to hard dope. It doesn't't give you the numbness you get from opiates.
I'll soon be fully substance free. Fully. Only then can I know my decisions and desires in life are in balance with my mind and heart. It's a good goal, it's a condition any addict would love to reach or at least experience.
Saturday, March 11, 2017
Day 40
Going into this 3rd day at High Performance Academy has been pretty fantastic. The energy is over the top. It's like the radest birthday party you ever went to when you were a kid except this time you're old. People are jumping and dancing and singing, old guys are raising the roof, it's nonstop motivation and fun for 4 days. Check it out if you every get a chance. HPA.com
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis, nicotine.
Tomorrow I will taper to 1.5g on the kratom. I've been mentally afraid to drop the dose. I've been sometimes adding more than 2g just to get the extra boost. I notice I don't want to feel any tiredness and/or fatigue. However, I'm aware that there has to be some kind of discomfort to get to where I want to be.
Being at this high perforamce event you are focusing on big goals, huge ones that can and will change your life. How to take your business from seven figures to eight figures and those kind of things. It's big stuff taught by big people. Mind blowing actually.
But I need to focus first on the most basic things that effect everything like kratom and cannabis. I use them to mask how I feel like a baby and its pacifier. I know it's only been a month since I kick heroin but nonetheless I want to be healthy. I know my best self is with a fully clear mind, drug free, eating healthy and with plenty of exercise. We all "know" that don't we? Why then don't we all do it?
It starts with a choice each day. What do you really want in life?
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis, nicotine.
Tomorrow I will taper to 1.5g on the kratom. I've been mentally afraid to drop the dose. I've been sometimes adding more than 2g just to get the extra boost. I notice I don't want to feel any tiredness and/or fatigue. However, I'm aware that there has to be some kind of discomfort to get to where I want to be.
Being at this high perforamce event you are focusing on big goals, huge ones that can and will change your life. How to take your business from seven figures to eight figures and those kind of things. It's big stuff taught by big people. Mind blowing actually.
But I need to focus first on the most basic things that effect everything like kratom and cannabis. I use them to mask how I feel like a baby and its pacifier. I know it's only been a month since I kick heroin but nonetheless I want to be healthy. I know my best self is with a fully clear mind, drug free, eating healthy and with plenty of exercise. We all "know" that don't we? Why then don't we all do it?
It starts with a choice each day. What do you really want in life?
Friday, March 10, 2017
Day ThirtyNine
Almost 40 days. Amazing. Each day gets clearer and clearer.
Today I'm in San Diego at High Performance Academy. My wife and I just finished day 2 of a 4 day motivational conference put on by a guy named Brendon Burchard. The dude has mastered the art of high performance. He's truly an icon in that field.
Drug intake today: 2 grams kratom, cannabis, nicotine.
This conference goes from 9am-7pm pretty much none stop the entire time. It's full of energy and it's truly a pretty amazing experience. I've been twice before but wanted to take my wife so she could drink the koolaid.
It was a long day, tons of energy, lots of smiles and hugs. It's a really great place to be if you want to move forward and progress in life. It's very addicting...and the consequence is a better life.
Today I'm in San Diego at High Performance Academy. My wife and I just finished day 2 of a 4 day motivational conference put on by a guy named Brendon Burchard. The dude has mastered the art of high performance. He's truly an icon in that field.
Drug intake today: 2 grams kratom, cannabis, nicotine.
This conference goes from 9am-7pm pretty much none stop the entire time. It's full of energy and it's truly a pretty amazing experience. I've been twice before but wanted to take my wife so she could drink the koolaid.
It was a long day, tons of energy, lots of smiles and hugs. It's a really great place to be if you want to move forward and progress in life. It's very addicting...and the consequence is a better life.
Thursday, March 09, 2017
Day ThirtyEight
I want to talk about kratom, my experience with it, and its advantages/disadvantages.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis, nicotine.
What I know:
What is kratom? Kratom is a plant. It grows in Southeast Asia. There are a few different strains. That's all I know scientifically about it.
How to I get it? I get it online and it's actually really cheap if you keep your use to a few grams a day. It's also available at almost every head shop, tobacco shop, and even corner stores. Ends up being about a dollar or two per dose.
How do you use it? The leaves are already crushed to power like form similar to a fine coffee grind. I always weigh (sometimes don't have a scale and I have to eyeball it) it so I know what my dose is exactly. I add it to warm or hot water and take it like a shot of whisky. It's pretty bitter so I chase it always with water. It's actually always unpleasant to dose this way.
Sometime's I'll purchase kratom in capsules which is nice because you don't have to use a scale or even taste the kratom. I currently dose 2 grams 3-4 times a day every 4 hours or so. Ends up being about a dollar or two per dose.
Why do I use it? I was on a 1&1/2gram a day heroin habit a bit over a month ago. I started kratom about 15 days after my last use of heroin. The point that I was at on days 15-17 was dangerous. If it wasn't for kratom that day I may have went back to heroin. I will never know but what I do know is that kratom saved me that day. It was a miracle. You can read about it here.
When did you start it? I started 3 weeks ago dosing 5-6 grams 4 times a day so it's been a pretty quick taper going from 20 grams to 6 a day. On day 15 the day I took it I was going through a quick taper withdrawal of suboxone. I used the suboxone to help with the hard heroin withdrawal but I stopped the subs after the 8th day. I was in so much depression and pain with no sleep when I arrived at my office on that 15th day. In the drawer was over 2 grams of quality east coast heroin and also a few bags of kratom. I saved the heroin just in case of "emergency" during my withdrawal. (I left it at the office so I wouldn't be around it the first 2 weeks)
I had a choice to make. And I chose kratom and flushed the heroin. My love affair was over.
What it does: Kratom feels like a very mellow mood lift but it brings with it a boost of energy and a very warm sensation in your stomach. It's probably the closest you'll get to any opiate feeling without using opiates.
Is it bad? Yes, the side effects I get come about 6 hours to 12 hours after my last use. They include muscle aches, sour stomach, tiredness, and irritablity. I have also been waking up and having to dose at like 4am to go back to bed. It was more difficult with the larger doses but now that I've tapered it's less an issue. Any cravings I have for drugs are now put on kratom. It's a totally different craving though compared to opiates or stimulates.
Is it good? Yes. The ability that kratom gives me to be off of opiates without a craving for them is a Godsend. It also gives you the freedom to stay fully legal without breaking the law. Just those 2 reasons alone give it more advantages than disadvantages at this point in my existence.
I'm considering prolonging my taper on kratom to take my time during these 90 days and take this slow and steady. I'm going to slowly move to one gram, then skip days, then finish. The advantages outweigh the disadvantages at this point.
You see, heroin addiction isn't a funny game we play. It's truly a life or death situation. As heroin addicts we are the walking dead, it's not a tv show, it's real. Everyday that I was on heroin I was dying, closer and closer to the grave I was sinking all the while drowning in my own personal hell. I barely escaped?
My God! I have a beautiful life to live.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis, nicotine.
What I know:
What is kratom? Kratom is a plant. It grows in Southeast Asia. There are a few different strains. That's all I know scientifically about it.
How to I get it? I get it online and it's actually really cheap if you keep your use to a few grams a day. It's also available at almost every head shop, tobacco shop, and even corner stores. Ends up being about a dollar or two per dose.
How do you use it? The leaves are already crushed to power like form similar to a fine coffee grind. I always weigh (sometimes don't have a scale and I have to eyeball it) it so I know what my dose is exactly. I add it to warm or hot water and take it like a shot of whisky. It's pretty bitter so I chase it always with water. It's actually always unpleasant to dose this way.
Sometime's I'll purchase kratom in capsules which is nice because you don't have to use a scale or even taste the kratom. I currently dose 2 grams 3-4 times a day every 4 hours or so. Ends up being about a dollar or two per dose.
Why do I use it? I was on a 1&1/2gram a day heroin habit a bit over a month ago. I started kratom about 15 days after my last use of heroin. The point that I was at on days 15-17 was dangerous. If it wasn't for kratom that day I may have went back to heroin. I will never know but what I do know is that kratom saved me that day. It was a miracle. You can read about it here.
When did you start it? I started 3 weeks ago dosing 5-6 grams 4 times a day so it's been a pretty quick taper going from 20 grams to 6 a day. On day 15 the day I took it I was going through a quick taper withdrawal of suboxone. I used the suboxone to help with the hard heroin withdrawal but I stopped the subs after the 8th day. I was in so much depression and pain with no sleep when I arrived at my office on that 15th day. In the drawer was over 2 grams of quality east coast heroin and also a few bags of kratom. I saved the heroin just in case of "emergency" during my withdrawal. (I left it at the office so I wouldn't be around it the first 2 weeks)
I had a choice to make. And I chose kratom and flushed the heroin. My love affair was over.
What it does: Kratom feels like a very mellow mood lift but it brings with it a boost of energy and a very warm sensation in your stomach. It's probably the closest you'll get to any opiate feeling without using opiates.
Is it bad? Yes, the side effects I get come about 6 hours to 12 hours after my last use. They include muscle aches, sour stomach, tiredness, and irritablity. I have also been waking up and having to dose at like 4am to go back to bed. It was more difficult with the larger doses but now that I've tapered it's less an issue. Any cravings I have for drugs are now put on kratom. It's a totally different craving though compared to opiates or stimulates.
Is it good? Yes. The ability that kratom gives me to be off of opiates without a craving for them is a Godsend. It also gives you the freedom to stay fully legal without breaking the law. Just those 2 reasons alone give it more advantages than disadvantages at this point in my existence.
I'm considering prolonging my taper on kratom to take my time during these 90 days and take this slow and steady. I'm going to slowly move to one gram, then skip days, then finish. The advantages outweigh the disadvantages at this point.
You see, heroin addiction isn't a funny game we play. It's truly a life or death situation. As heroin addicts we are the walking dead, it's not a tv show, it's real. Everyday that I was on heroin I was dying, closer and closer to the grave I was sinking all the while drowning in my own personal hell. I barely escaped?
My God! I have a beautiful life to live.
Wednesday, March 08, 2017
Day ThirtySeven
If you live intentionally each day life becomes more alive. Traveling today to San Diego with my family with a layover in Seattle at the airport. Usually I would be focused on traveling or going to the bar or eating or whatever while at the airport, never noticing anyone or anything. But today was different.
As I found myself going about my travel day I had this, "come to myself" moment. As I walked through the masses of other travelers focused on my destination I paused for a moment and focused on the present moment. Everything slowed down, became more vibrant, and brought peace of mind. I was in this place of gratitude and awe of everyone and everything. It's a beautiful part of life when we fully experience it.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis, and nicotine.
The kratom has been a slow process of tapering on. I didn't start taking it till around day 15 and it's March 8th today so about 3 weeks so far. Not bad as I know some people are on it for years, nevertheless I know that it effects my ability to be my best. The quicker I finish this taper the better but I know in a way this kratom has just prolonged my addiction.
It's day 37 my goal was at the end of 90 I will be free from all substances. I committed to this. It'll happen.
As I found myself going about my travel day I had this, "come to myself" moment. As I walked through the masses of other travelers focused on my destination I paused for a moment and focused on the present moment. Everything slowed down, became more vibrant, and brought peace of mind. I was in this place of gratitude and awe of everyone and everything. It's a beautiful part of life when we fully experience it.
Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis, and nicotine.
The kratom has been a slow process of tapering on. I didn't start taking it till around day 15 and it's March 8th today so about 3 weeks so far. Not bad as I know some people are on it for years, nevertheless I know that it effects my ability to be my best. The quicker I finish this taper the better but I know in a way this kratom has just prolonged my addiction.
It's day 37 my goal was at the end of 90 I will be free from all substances. I committed to this. It'll happen.
Tuesday, March 07, 2017
Day ThirtySix
When you are addicted to drugs I've found that you spend the majority of your time thinking about drugs. How to get them, how much you have, is it pure, do I have enough to last, and the list goes on. When you are consumed in your thinking about one thing for so long your life then demonstrates what you want and think about the most.
Drug intake today: 3 kratom, cannabis, nicotine.
There is a reason why it's so hard to get out from under the slavery of addiction. You've spent years building this life that supports and craves your drug of choice and in so doing your life demonstrates what you truly want.
Whatever you think about most you tend to create. You give power to your thoughts and it brings to life your fantasies and imaginations. However, some are good and some are bad. The goal is then, seek the most balanced way.
When you make a decision always weigh the advantages and disadvantages. You'll find you'll make more balanced choices and you'll know when you're unbalanced. Seek after things that will serve people and bring joy into the world. If you do you will receive it much more in return.
If we could only know the secrets to life earlier.
Drug intake today: 3 kratom, cannabis, nicotine.
There is a reason why it's so hard to get out from under the slavery of addiction. You've spent years building this life that supports and craves your drug of choice and in so doing your life demonstrates what you truly want.
Whatever you think about most you tend to create. You give power to your thoughts and it brings to life your fantasies and imaginations. However, some are good and some are bad. The goal is then, seek the most balanced way.
When you make a decision always weigh the advantages and disadvantages. You'll find you'll make more balanced choices and you'll know when you're unbalanced. Seek after things that will serve people and bring joy into the world. If you do you will receive it much more in return.
If we could only know the secrets to life earlier.
Monday, March 06, 2017
Day ThirtyFive
While it's much easier to preach the idea of a better life the actual "doing" the idea of a better life is what's so difficult. I've found those that start building on their life early on around the age of 17-23 become the most successful by the mid-life or the age of 40. If you are someone that has practiced for years, bad habits, then you will struggle in more precise sides of life. People that overcome or never start habits are more likely to live on the upper their of this existence.
The people that are gurus, teachers, masters, pastors, and the like have been doing it for a long time. No one was a drug addicted-broke-divorsed man yesterday and then today a New York time bestseller author that has multiple events a year drawing thousands. A life crafted like that takes work, focus, dedication, and drive.
The master has learned his life and mastered it. They have spent years and even decades dedicated to specific goals or desires in life. We all do it just in different degrees. Some of us are really talented in such odd areas but the proof is that we are innovative when we want something. There may be gaps here and there in the teachings of these gurus but comparably they have tapped into a higher level of consciousness than the majority of humans. And so can anyone, think about something that you wanted really bad and you did whatever you could to get it, we expanded our thinking, we used focus and determination to get it. Many of us get really good and stuff and habits that don't serve us, it's in these that we struggle to replace.
Drug intake today: 4g kratom, cannabis, nicotine.
Change is hard, it's not easy. However, it is necessary.
The people that are gurus, teachers, masters, pastors, and the like have been doing it for a long time. No one was a drug addicted-broke-divorsed man yesterday and then today a New York time bestseller author that has multiple events a year drawing thousands. A life crafted like that takes work, focus, dedication, and drive.
The master has learned his life and mastered it. They have spent years and even decades dedicated to specific goals or desires in life. We all do it just in different degrees. Some of us are really talented in such odd areas but the proof is that we are innovative when we want something. There may be gaps here and there in the teachings of these gurus but comparably they have tapped into a higher level of consciousness than the majority of humans. And so can anyone, think about something that you wanted really bad and you did whatever you could to get it, we expanded our thinking, we used focus and determination to get it. Many of us get really good and stuff and habits that don't serve us, it's in these that we struggle to replace.
Drug intake today: 4g kratom, cannabis, nicotine.
Change is hard, it's not easy. However, it is necessary.
Sunday, March 05, 2017
Day ThirtyFour
Walking past the hotel bar or noticing someone with a beer this weekend quietly tells me "Thank God!" I don't have to drink. So many times and for so many years my focus at any event would be let loose and feel good. "Isn't this what it's all about," my mind would say. Then the story ends with heroin addiction.
Drug Intake today: 5g kratom, cannabis, nicotine
For me persoanlly, it begins and ends with drinking alcohol. You see, I'm not an alcoholic -- I'm a drug addict.
It's compromise.
I know if I drink, I personally have compromised and chosen a path of allowing my subconscious to have power and in so doing am feeding my primal side. It's different to me however using kratom or using cannabis. I believe how alcohol effects my brain it leads me to always pursue the next feel good moment.
The beginning is a beer or two, then more focus and attention goes on the feel good/no pain primal/animal part of my brain. The more I focus, care for, and give attention to that side of my life the deeper I go. And the truth is the deep-end never ends, there is no bottom. I suppose thats where the idea of an abyss or the bottomless pit came into our thought.
And vice versa the highest of the highs go forever. There is not a point in life to where you reach it and feel as if you've finally arrived. There is no ceiling or limit. It's like the leprechaun and the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, it's always so close but it forever fleeing. So it is in life and success.
What I've come to realize through all of this is that you need to know what serves you and what doesn't and live in the most balanced way.
Why would I choose a life of fatigue, depression, and sorrow? When I can choose a life of energy, vibrance, and joy. Why would I dwell on all the pain in life and forget the love? When I can remember all the love and dissolve the pain.
Choosing what is good for you is a responsibility for a balanced life. Everyday, you create, choose, become. Choose wisely.
Drug Intake today: 5g kratom, cannabis, nicotine
For me persoanlly, it begins and ends with drinking alcohol. You see, I'm not an alcoholic -- I'm a drug addict.
It's compromise.
I know if I drink, I personally have compromised and chosen a path of allowing my subconscious to have power and in so doing am feeding my primal side. It's different to me however using kratom or using cannabis. I believe how alcohol effects my brain it leads me to always pursue the next feel good moment.
And vice versa the highest of the highs go forever. There is not a point in life to where you reach it and feel as if you've finally arrived. There is no ceiling or limit. It's like the leprechaun and the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, it's always so close but it forever fleeing. So it is in life and success.
What I've come to realize through all of this is that you need to know what serves you and what doesn't and live in the most balanced way.
Why would I choose a life of fatigue, depression, and sorrow? When I can choose a life of energy, vibrance, and joy. Why would I dwell on all the pain in life and forget the love? When I can remember all the love and dissolve the pain.
Choosing what is good for you is a responsibility for a balanced life. Everyday, you create, choose, become. Choose wisely.
Saturday, March 04, 2017
Day ThirtyThree
An inspired life is a vibrant life. Do you see or watch people that inspire you. Either they have a certain talent or they entertain you really well and you really like those people. They seem to have found a recipe in life that gives them energy, and drive, and passion to create or produce a product or service. It could be entertainment, to comedy, to teaching, to music, to whatever else you can think of. There are thousands of different disciplines that many of us find inspirational.
I love to see other people give out the amazing talent that is in them. But realize this, everything that you see in others you have in you. Maybe not to the same level or consistency but nonetheless we all possess talents, and skills, and abilities. What makes a superstar a superstar? Did they wake up someday and just bam! they were a star? No! They worked, they hustled, they created, they had drive. Then day after day, one built upon the next, they emerged into the spotlight.
Success doesn't happen overnight. However, one certain decision you make could ignite a ripple effect of success. From observing people that inspire others you find that they know what they want, focus on where they are going, and will do what ever it takes to reach their goals.
Its truly inspiring the see people live out their talents in life and then share them with the rest of the world. All of us have that in us, we just have to listen to our lives and when it becomes clear, follow our deepest and most purely inspired dreams.
Drug intake today: 5g kratom, 40mg cannabis, nicotine.
The goal is taper kratom till its to zero, then slowly stop smoking weed, then give up the vape. Once I fully finish kratom I will write up and begin a plan to stop cannabis. The closer I get to my goals the happier I feel. As I reach these goals I will always set a new one till the day I die. Set goals, big goals. then focus on them and do whatever it takes to reach them.
I love to see other people give out the amazing talent that is in them. But realize this, everything that you see in others you have in you. Maybe not to the same level or consistency but nonetheless we all possess talents, and skills, and abilities. What makes a superstar a superstar? Did they wake up someday and just bam! they were a star? No! They worked, they hustled, they created, they had drive. Then day after day, one built upon the next, they emerged into the spotlight.
Success doesn't happen overnight. However, one certain decision you make could ignite a ripple effect of success. From observing people that inspire others you find that they know what they want, focus on where they are going, and will do what ever it takes to reach their goals.
Its truly inspiring the see people live out their talents in life and then share them with the rest of the world. All of us have that in us, we just have to listen to our lives and when it becomes clear, follow our deepest and most purely inspired dreams.
Drug intake today: 5g kratom, 40mg cannabis, nicotine.
The goal is taper kratom till its to zero, then slowly stop smoking weed, then give up the vape. Once I fully finish kratom I will write up and begin a plan to stop cannabis. The closer I get to my goals the happier I feel. As I reach these goals I will always set a new one till the day I die. Set goals, big goals. then focus on them and do whatever it takes to reach them.
Friday, March 03, 2017
Day ThirtyTwo
It was Friday today felt like a weekend. My boy has a hockey tournament in Portland so we made the trek today. It's only 3.5 hours away and it's always nice to go to any city. Something about the energy of cities where a ton of people live, seems to be more charged.
Drug Intake 6g kratom, cannabis, and some Advil.
Woke up again this morning at 5am and had to dose kratom to get back to sleep. I'm feeling better and better the more I taper. I can tell I'm a bit tired through the day but it's nothing really worth noticing.
Spending time with my wife and kids is pretty great. Such fulfillment when I give my energy to them. I receive so much eveytime I focus on them.
Drug Intake 6g kratom, cannabis, and some Advil.
Woke up again this morning at 5am and had to dose kratom to get back to sleep. I'm feeling better and better the more I taper. I can tell I'm a bit tired through the day but it's nothing really worth noticing.
Spending time with my wife and kids is pretty great. Such fulfillment when I give my energy to them. I receive so much eveytime I focus on them.
Thursday, March 02, 2017
Day ThirtyOne
I've been waking up each day really early with a bit of stomach pain. I then dose kratom and go back to bead. I end of sleeping another couple hours. What I don't like is not feeling 100% yet. I really want this kratom to be finished.
Drug intake today: 6g kratom, cannabis, and my trusty vape.
Just another week or so and the kratom will be done. I'm noticing that one thing I'm not really good at is my physical health. If I don't have a healthy body then how do I expect to live a vibrant life. At the end of this blog journey I intently want to eat healthy, exercise, and live vibrantly.
Drug intake today: 6g kratom, cannabis, and my trusty vape.
Just another week or so and the kratom will be done. I'm noticing that one thing I'm not really good at is my physical health. If I don't have a healthy body then how do I expect to live a vibrant life. At the end of this blog journey I intently want to eat healthy, exercise, and live vibrantly.
Wednesday, March 01, 2017
Day Thirty
Almost a month has past since I went on this new journey. This time it's different. I've never been so inspired to do better, become more full, and live out my purpose in life. While I'm still not fully aware of what I truly want in life I am beginning to find my piece in the universe.
Drug intake today: 6g kratom, Cannabis, and Advil.
I had a bit of a headache last night and had to take some Advil. I'm finally over the little bit of a cold I got this weekend and feel much better once I get going in the day. I'm still taking kratom and have been tapering down every other day. I feel pretty good but still not 100%.
I've been filling up my day each day with a lot of priorities that make me feel accomplished at the end of each day. It's true, if you are intentional on where you want to be and what you want to achieve then your life begins to follow those thoughts and goals. I truly want nothing more than to be successful and honorable in all the areas of my life.
I want to be a hero. I want to be someone that lives an inspiring fulfilled existence here on earth.
Drug intake today: 6g kratom, Cannabis, and Advil.
I had a bit of a headache last night and had to take some Advil. I'm finally over the little bit of a cold I got this weekend and feel much better once I get going in the day. I'm still taking kratom and have been tapering down every other day. I feel pretty good but still not 100%.
I've been filling up my day each day with a lot of priorities that make me feel accomplished at the end of each day. It's true, if you are intentional on where you want to be and what you want to achieve then your life begins to follow those thoughts and goals. I truly want nothing more than to be successful and honorable in all the areas of my life.
I want to be a hero. I want to be someone that lives an inspiring fulfilled existence here on earth.
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Day 29
When I intentionally set my day I seem to have more energy at the end of the day than I do at the beginning. When I find ways to give and serve I find that I enjoy my life so much better. These are all things we've been told to do to find a balance in life, yet most of us don't listen.
Drug intake today: 7g kratom, cannabis, and my trusty vape.
I'm really enjoying tapering kratom. It's a decently slow taper and nothing crazy but it seems to be going well. I still wake up with a little stomach sourness but that's about all. I'm still a little lethargic in the morning and it takes me a couple hours to really get going. But once I do it's been really productive days.
I've been meeting with my managers this week and going over goal setting. I'm asking questions to these young people they've never been asked before. The idea is to get their minds to expand a bit and really focus on what they want. I find that when we get clear about what we want we become more intentional with our lives.
I'll be doing a 100 days exercise with each manager and by the end of the assignment I plan to have then extremely clear on their goals and intentions in life. Doing this will help these young people, will add to the health of my company, and the best part, it gives me the ability to fulfill many of my highest values. Business success and mentorship, also it will increase the profit. Having healthy young energetic people on the front line of my company will only help to improve our culture and create endless amounts of success.
When I serve I feel important. Felling important is key to a vibrant life.
Drug intake today: 7g kratom, cannabis, and my trusty vape.
I'm really enjoying tapering kratom. It's a decently slow taper and nothing crazy but it seems to be going well. I still wake up with a little stomach sourness but that's about all. I'm still a little lethargic in the morning and it takes me a couple hours to really get going. But once I do it's been really productive days.
I've been meeting with my managers this week and going over goal setting. I'm asking questions to these young people they've never been asked before. The idea is to get their minds to expand a bit and really focus on what they want. I find that when we get clear about what we want we become more intentional with our lives.
When I serve I feel important. Felling important is key to a vibrant life.
Monday, February 27, 2017
Day 28
Waking up today I started with a time of gratitude. Just reminiscing fir the first few minutes of the day what I have to be thankful for. While it's a bit hard for me to focus first thing in the morning it definitely gets me center and ready for the rest of the day.
Drug intake today: 7g kratom, cannabis, and vape.
It's my goal to be substance free but the end of this blog journey. I feel each day I am gaining momentum and strength in the right direction. The direction toward fulfillment. It seems to be a fairytale at times, actual fulfillment, but I know it's possible. I've seen and watched others reach this so called position in life, I know its available.
I have set some small goals to reach. Each one I reach i get more and more confident. I feel more and more in tune with my existence and my purpose in life.
I will continue to focus on gratitude and love. These two things are what we find at the center most balanced side of life.
Drug intake today: 7g kratom, cannabis, and vape.
It's my goal to be substance free but the end of this blog journey. I feel each day I am gaining momentum and strength in the right direction. The direction toward fulfillment. It seems to be a fairytale at times, actual fulfillment, but I know it's possible. I've seen and watched others reach this so called position in life, I know its available.
I have set some small goals to reach. Each one I reach i get more and more confident. I feel more and more in tune with my existence and my purpose in life.
I will continue to focus on gratitude and love. These two things are what we find at the center most balanced side of life.
Sunday, February 26, 2017
Day 27
I felt much better today. I must have gotten a little bug of sickness from someone recently. But it's fading now so I'm blessed it wasn't anything worse.
Drug intake today: 8g kratom, cannabis, vape.
I'm going to add my vape in there because I want to end it just like the heroin, the suboxone, the xanax, the kratom, and the cannabis. The goal is to be fully substance free by the end of this 90 days blog challenge I started.
I don't spend to much time setting goals and if I do I lose focus a month later. Once reason I think is because I try and follow other peoples plans, other peoples habits, and other peoples values. I don't follow my own and I don't give myself the benefit of goal setting.
I suppose 90 days blogging is a goal. But it's my goal. I set it myself without any outside voice or influence and it's something I want to personally do for myself, for my wellbeing.
So, when you set a goal...set it according to what is best for you first. If you are not healthy and focused and alive then you'll be no help to others. It's only when you are living at your highest potential that you are a light to the world. Setting goals that inspire and honor you are key.
Set goals according to your life, where you want it to be and go, for you. Then once you are reaching for them and living out your purpose you then can bless the world with your light and love. That's Day 27.
Drug intake today: 8g kratom, cannabis, vape.
I'm going to add my vape in there because I want to end it just like the heroin, the suboxone, the xanax, the kratom, and the cannabis. The goal is to be fully substance free by the end of this 90 days blog challenge I started.
I don't spend to much time setting goals and if I do I lose focus a month later. Once reason I think is because I try and follow other peoples plans, other peoples habits, and other peoples values. I don't follow my own and I don't give myself the benefit of goal setting.
I suppose 90 days blogging is a goal. But it's my goal. I set it myself without any outside voice or influence and it's something I want to personally do for myself, for my wellbeing.
So, when you set a goal...set it according to what is best for you first. If you are not healthy and focused and alive then you'll be no help to others. It's only when you are living at your highest potential that you are a light to the world. Setting goals that inspire and honor you are key.
Set goals according to your life, where you want it to be and go, for you. Then once you are reaching for them and living out your purpose you then can bless the world with your light and love. That's Day 27.
Saturday, February 25, 2017
Day 26
Today was a long tired one. Really didn't have much motivation to do anything other than lay in bed. I wasn't really fatigue just really tired. I took an afternoon nap and spent time in some self development.
Drug intake today: 8mg kratom and cannabis.
The goal is to be fully substance free but the end of this 90 day journey. I have been tapering the kratom use and will continue to do so until the 6th of March. about 9 days from now I should be finished. Then I will do the same with Cannabis and then with nicotine which I've been addicted to for about a year now.
Once I have accomplished these goals I will set higher ones based solely on my health and wellbeing.
So today was a long uneventful Saturday. Even though I didn't get much done I did do really well on dealing with underlining issues and thoughts. The more I progress the more I tend to find my passions and vision in life.
Drug intake today: 8mg kratom and cannabis.
The goal is to be fully substance free but the end of this 90 day journey. I have been tapering the kratom use and will continue to do so until the 6th of March. about 9 days from now I should be finished. Then I will do the same with Cannabis and then with nicotine which I've been addicted to for about a year now.
Once I have accomplished these goals I will set higher ones based solely on my health and wellbeing.
So today was a long uneventful Saturday. Even though I didn't get much done I did do really well on dealing with underlining issues and thoughts. The more I progress the more I tend to find my passions and vision in life.
Friday, February 24, 2017
Day 25
I really love not drinking or having to do some kind of drug to feel good. It's a lot more comfortable to know I'm free from that bondage. It was a hard time to get out of and if I have any power within myself I will never return.
Drug intake today: 9g kratom and cannabis.
I'm tapering my kratom use a gram every 2 days. I do believe it'll be an easy transition if I stay disciplined to follow my plan.
I find the more I focus on producing things in life the more engaged I feel. It's when I don't produce anything that I get complacent. I get bored with life. Thats' truly amazing because I can really do whatever I want. Building my business the way I have gives me so much freedom that I can really do anything I dream.
I've been spending countless hours searching for that still small voice within me. Knowing that the voice on the inside is the best and more divine one to listen to. A man once said, "When the voice on the inside becomes louder than all the voices on the outside, then you've began to master your life"
More than anything I want to master life. Not have it master me.
Drug intake today: 9g kratom and cannabis.
I'm tapering my kratom use a gram every 2 days. I do believe it'll be an easy transition if I stay disciplined to follow my plan.
I find the more I focus on producing things in life the more engaged I feel. It's when I don't produce anything that I get complacent. I get bored with life. Thats' truly amazing because I can really do whatever I want. Building my business the way I have gives me so much freedom that I can really do anything I dream.
I've been spending countless hours searching for that still small voice within me. Knowing that the voice on the inside is the best and more divine one to listen to. A man once said, "When the voice on the inside becomes louder than all the voices on the outside, then you've began to master your life"
More than anything I want to master life. Not have it master me.
Thursday, February 23, 2017
Day 24
today went really well. I spent a lot more time in intention and focus and it made a big difference. The more I focus on what's important, even though it's not always easy stuff, I end up fulfilled.
Drug intake today: 9g kratom and cannabis.
I'm going to drop 1mg every two days. So it will be a bit over 2 weeks before I'm finished. What I don't want is any cravings. I know they will come back once the kratom is done. As much as I'm trying to create new habits I am never sure if they are enough. They usually last a while and then I transition back through the cycle of addiction.
However, I feel this time is different. This time I've actually grasped some deep seeded stuff and truly dealt with it in a brand new way. Looking at the benefit of all my failures brings out the positive in each and every difficult event in life. It gives me a sense of presence.
I wouldn't have all the amazing things I have right now if it wasn't for all the past victories and sufferings alike. I was formed by them and because of them I've been more than a conquerer. So then, all things work together for good. Truly, there is a benefit to every event in life despite the shame or pain from it.
Taking a crew from my company to a LiL Wayne concert tonight. I'm sure they'll have some fun:)
Drug intake today: 9g kratom and cannabis.
I'm going to drop 1mg every two days. So it will be a bit over 2 weeks before I'm finished. What I don't want is any cravings. I know they will come back once the kratom is done. As much as I'm trying to create new habits I am never sure if they are enough. They usually last a while and then I transition back through the cycle of addiction.
However, I feel this time is different. This time I've actually grasped some deep seeded stuff and truly dealt with it in a brand new way. Looking at the benefit of all my failures brings out the positive in each and every difficult event in life. It gives me a sense of presence.
I wouldn't have all the amazing things I have right now if it wasn't for all the past victories and sufferings alike. I was formed by them and because of them I've been more than a conquerer. So then, all things work together for good. Truly, there is a benefit to every event in life despite the shame or pain from it.
Taking a crew from my company to a LiL Wayne concert tonight. I'm sure they'll have some fun:)
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