Day 29

When I intentionally set my day I seem to have more energy at the end of the day than I do at the beginning.  When I find ways to give and serve I find that I enjoy my life so much better.  These are all things we've been told to do to find a balance in life, yet most of us don't listen.

Drug intake today: 7g kratom, cannabis, and my trusty vape.

I'm really enjoying tapering kratom.  It's a decently slow taper and nothing crazy but it seems to be going well.  I still wake up with a little stomach sourness but that's about all.  I'm still a little lethargic in the morning and it takes me a couple hours to really get going.  But once I do it's been really productive days.

I've been meeting with my managers this week and going over goal setting.  I'm asking questions to these young people they've never been asked before.  The idea is to get their minds to expand a bit and really focus on what they want.  I find that when we get clear about what we want we become more intentional with our lives.

I'll be doing a 100 days exercise with each manager and by the end of the assignment I plan to have then extremely clear on their goals and intentions in life.  Doing this will help these young people, will add to the health of my company, and the best part, it gives me the ability to fulfill many of my highest values.  Business success and mentorship, also it will increase the profit.  Having healthy young energetic people on the front line of my company will only help to improve our culture and create endless amounts of success.

When I serve I feel important.  Felling important is key to a vibrant life.

Day 28

Waking up today I started with a time of gratitude.  Just reminiscing fir the first few minutes of the day what I have to be thankful for.  While it's a bit hard for me to focus first thing in the morning it definitely gets me center and ready for the rest of the day.

Drug intake today: 7g kratom, cannabis, and vape.

It's my goal to be substance free but the end of this blog journey.  I feel each day I am gaining momentum and strength in the right direction.  The direction toward fulfillment.  It seems to be a fairytale at times, actual fulfillment, but I know it's possible.  I've seen and watched others reach this so called position in life, I know its available.

I have set some small goals to reach.  Each one I reach i get more and more confident.  I feel more and more in tune with my existence and my purpose in life.

I will continue to focus on gratitude and love.  These two things are what we find at the center most balanced side of life.

Day 27

I felt much better today.  I must have gotten a little bug of sickness from someone recently.  But it's fading now so I'm blessed it wasn't anything worse.

Drug intake today: 8g kratom, cannabis, vape.

I'm going to add my vape in there because I want to end it just like the heroin, the suboxone, the xanax, the kratom, and the cannabis.  The goal is to be fully substance free by the end of this 90 days blog challenge I started.

I don't spend to much time setting goals and if I do I lose focus a month later.  Once reason I think is because I try and follow other peoples plans, other peoples habits, and other peoples values.  I don't follow my own and I don't give myself the benefit of goal setting.

I suppose 90 days blogging is a goal.  But it's my goal.  I set it myself without any outside voice or influence and it's something I want to personally do for myself, for my wellbeing.

So, when you set a goal...set it according to what is best for you first.  If you are not healthy and focused and alive then you'll be no help to others.  It's only when you are living at your highest potential that you are a light to the world.  Setting goals that inspire and honor you are key.

Set goals according to your life, where you want it to be and go, for you.  Then once you are reaching for them and living out your purpose you then can bless the world with your light and love.  That's Day 27.

Day 26

Today was a long tired one.  Really didn't have much motivation to do anything other than lay in bed.  I wasn't really fatigue just really tired.  I took an afternoon nap and spent time in some self development.

Drug intake today: 8mg kratom and cannabis.

The goal is to be fully substance free but the end of this 90 day journey.  I have been tapering the kratom use and will continue to do so until the 6th of March.  about 9 days from now I should be finished.  Then I will do the same with Cannabis and then with nicotine which I've been addicted to for about a year now.

Once I have accomplished these goals I will set higher ones based solely on my health and wellbeing.

So today was a long uneventful Saturday.  Even though I didn't get much done I did do really well on dealing with underlining issues and thoughts.  The more I progress the more I tend to find my passions and vision in life.

Day 25

I really love not drinking or having to do some kind of drug to feel good.   It's a lot more comfortable to know I'm free from that bondage.  It was a hard time to get out of and if I have any power within myself I will never return.

Drug intake today: 9g kratom and cannabis.

I'm tapering my kratom use a gram every 2 days.  I do believe it'll be an easy transition if I stay disciplined to follow my plan.

I find the more I focus on producing things in life the more engaged I feel.  It's when I don't produce anything that I get complacent.  I get bored with life.  Thats' truly amazing because I can really do whatever I want.  Building my business the way I have gives me so much freedom that I can really do anything I dream.

I've been spending countless hours searching for that still small voice within me.  Knowing that the voice on the inside is the best and more divine one to listen to.  A man once said, "When the voice on the inside becomes louder than all the voices on the outside, then you've began to master your life"

More than anything I want to master life.  Not have it master me.

Day 24

today went really well.  I spent a lot more time in intention and focus and it made a big difference.  The more I focus on what's important, even though it's not always easy stuff, I end up fulfilled.

Drug intake today: 9g kratom and cannabis.

I'm going to drop 1mg every two days.  So it will be a bit over 2 weeks before I'm finished.  What I don't want is any cravings.  I know they will come back once the kratom is done.  As much as I'm trying to create new habits I am never sure if they are enough.  They usually last a while and then I transition back through the cycle of addiction.

However, I feel this time is different.  This time I've actually grasped some deep seeded stuff and truly dealt with it in a brand new way.  Looking at the benefit of all my failures brings out the positive in each and every difficult event in life.  It gives me a sense of presence.

I wouldn't have all the amazing things I have right now if it wasn't for all the past victories and sufferings alike.  I was formed by them and because of them I've been more than a conquerer.  So then, all things work together for good.  Truly, there is a benefit to every event in life despite the shame or pain from it.

Taking a crew from my company to a LiL Wayne concert tonight.  I'm sure they'll have some fun:)

Day 23

I've been trying to plan out my day.  I write in the night before what I'll do all the next day.  It worked yesterday but today I didn't really follow through.  I think listening to the outside voices rather than to my inner voice is what caused me to readjust my plans.

Drug intake today: 10g kratom and some tylenol.

I slept pretty good.  Woke up really early, like 4am due to a bit of ache and pain.  I dosed 2mg kratom and went back to sleep.  I will be lowing my kratom dose daily until I'm down to 1mg and then stop.  It won't be hard to do if i stick to the plan.

It seems the more that I write stuff down, either on paper or online, I have less stress and less issues.  I mean, setting goals and pursuing them are key.  I've reached a lot of my past goals and got to a point of bored.  I stopped setting higher goals.  I figured I made it and now I need to enjoy it.

But what I've found is that doesn't work.  You need intention and drive.

For the next few months I'm going to get clear on what I want and where I want to be.  I've been listening for way too long to the voices all around me.  I never sit and listen to the voice inside of me.  I know that I know what to do and who to be, I just have to listen to that still small voice.

Day 22

Just 22 days and I feel really able.  I'm still gaining a bit of energy and stability from the kratom.  But I'm tapering today and will be done with it in a week or two.

Drug intake today: 10g kratom and cannabis.

My sleep schedule is on point.  Finally getting full nights of sleep without waking up and it's an unreal feeling.  I'm so glad that I'm this much better.

My focus has been on work and just being grateful.  I have so much to be thankful for.  My life is truly blessed.  It was a very good day.

Day 21

Waking up this morning I had no kratom left.  I started to get some stomach cramps and took a couple Immodium and added some tylenol and I was pretty good.  I did feel some fatigue and a bit of a headache.  I could tell that I was moody becasue of the lack of kratom.  It just made me realize that if I don't start tapering I'll be a bit of a slave to kratom.

Drug intake today: 10g kratom, Immodium AD, and Tylenol.

Once I got home I re-dosed kratom.  It really didn't do much as it really isn't much of a change except mood lifting and it seems to help my digestive system.  However, I know my purpose is to be fully clean.  Last night after having some time in gratitude I realized through some deep thoughts that I'm not living out my full potential.  Getting high has a big part in that.  It doesn't help me in anyway.

I meet with my team this afternoon.  We sat and talked for 2 hours at the office space I lease.  It's truly amazing how much more energy and focus I have when my mind is clear.  It's a very welcomed feeling and as I continue my journey into recovery I think I'm going to see some radical things take place.

My family is of most importance to me.  Through all of this struggle, they have been that strong foundation.  So so proud of each and every one of them.  So grateful!!!

Day Twenty

Kratom has become more and more a friend and it just can't last.  The last thing I want is to be under the spell of anything but my own self.  So I will begin to taper.

Drug intake today:  10g kratom and some cannabis.

I slept a good 7 hours last night.  It feels so good to remember my dreams and not wake up through the night.

I have been running low on kratom and it's on my mind a lot.  It helps so much with indigestion and soothes the lingering pain.  It also lifts my mood and gives me a bit of energy,  However, it is starting to become a bit of a crutch.

I wan to share these things truthfully so I can realize whats happening in my mind and why.  I know I will have to replace these cycles with better ones but it's easier said than done.

I don't really have much of a choice when it comes to knowing what to do.  I know what to do.  Live entirely with energy naturally.  It will just take time and work to get there.

Day Nineteen

I finally got some real good sleep last night.  Is still took a few hours to fall a sleep but when I did, I did!  I got at least a solid 6 hours.  It's amazing how good you feel when your body is living on it's own made up energy.  Being on dope creates it's own energy.

Drug intake today:  15g kratom, cannabis, and some Tylenol last night to help sleep.  I upped my kratom dose because I dosed real early and needed a bit of help through the day.

I will begin to taper my kratom down to 1g and then stop.  I wanted to stop this weekend as planned but I feel it's helping keep my mood and mental state more balanced.  After withdrawal you have what's called PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Symptom).  Anything from insomnia, to nightmares, to depression, and to fatigue are all symptoms of PAWS.  They say it can last for months and even years for long time users.

So kratom helps keep me from touching those edges so early in my recovery.  It will only be used sparingly and not for much longer.  Plus, the issue of using natural herbs (kratom and cannabis) rather than chemical medicines seem more decent according to my values.

Speaking of values, I've noticed my have shifted through all this.  While I'm still very much interested in success and business, I find my family to be at the top of my value list.  What I have now and what I've spent the last 20 years building is exactly what I want.  I've been laboring at it for so long and this entire time barely even noticing that I already have it all.

I know this is the honeymoon phase after hard withdrawal but I'm not going to allow that to stop me from having joy.  The hard part of addiction isn't always getting out, it's staying out.  I feel I have some very mind blowing tools to keep me from the dope chain forever.  I will be sharing and practicing these tools through the next 70 days as I continue to write.

As for today, lets just say that to be fully fulfilled and content is to accept what is.

Day Eighteen

My sleep schedule is messed up.  The last few nights I've been finally able to sleep a bit after 3am.  Then I wake up around 6am or so.  My stomach is usually turning at the time and I have to get something to eat.  Some fresh fruit, some oatmeal, maybe a protein drink.  Then I get a bit more sleep, maybe another hour or two.

Other than sleep I still feel some fatigue and some back pain but that's really all.

Drug intake today: 10g Kratom and some Cannabis.

That's it.  Not bad from just 2 weeks ago.

I've been doing some really different things to keep me interested in what really matters in my life.  For instance, I've really been focusing on caring for my wife.  I know she's been neglected while I was using.  I've been pulling out the chair for her, opening the door, and just going above and beyond than normal for her.  It really makes me feel good and, the best part, makes me like her more.

I really love my family.  The other day we had a meet up before I came back in the home.  It was really special for me.  I was really genuine and it felt great to see my family all in one room, loving and caring.

The multimillion company that I've built has also been neglected.  It's my goal the next 3 months as I write this blog is to invest my time and effort in 2 things.  My family and my business.

My foundation is my family.  The house build upon that foundation in my business.

Without my family being my foundation the house built upon it would crumble.

I hope my sleep is longer tonight.  I know I will feel so much better.  

Day Seventeen

Woke up today with only a few hours sleep again.  It was rad though because I really remembered my dreams last night.  It was like a fun and exciting movie all night long.

It's going to take a few weeks to fully reset but I'm totally getting there.

Drug intake: 10g Kratom, last 10mg dose of Adderall, .1 clonidine last night for sleep, and Tylenol.  No Cannabis today.  

I was up early again after just a few hours sleep and again had some breakfast and tried to sleep some more.  Was out of the hotel and ended up getting a good amount of work done today.  So my mind and focus are coming back for sure.

I've really been dealing with deep issues about my addiction.  It seems that my pain steams really deep because of what I endured as a youth and young adult.  It brings me down to a level of fear and shame.

It's pretty sad.  I've been plagued by a scarlet letter.

It effects almost everything I do.  To how I run my business, to how I spend my money, to how I post on social media.  It effects everything.  And it always has.

I realize the only way to be free from it is to be fully open about it despite the circumstance.

It really odd though because I really never did hang out with addicts.  I usually used alone, except on occasion. We are the neediest of humans and take much more than we give while using.  Yet, I am in the gulley of the slave ship with them all...it's been 20 years of slavery.

At what point will I, in my life, be ok with this?

I do know that people tend to not focus much on addiction unless it's put in their face over and over again or if they are directly hurt by it.  But it lives inside of me daily and doesn't ever let me forget anything, ever, nothing. 

I'm reminded daily of my addiction, my sentence, my prison.

I will try today to own it.  To know I can do nothing but move forward.  That I can bring joy and love into the world today to combat what pain and hurt I have caused.

So today it's love and joy.  As much as possible, focus on seeing people, listening to them, and cultivating them.

Don't just talk, listen.  It's magical.

Day Sixteen

Finally, I slept.  Not a lot but I did get at least 6 hours.

Today has finally been a day that I could get truly back on my feet.  16 days into this and I finally feel myself again.  One hell of a ride, that's for sure.

Drug intake today: 5g Kratom, Tylenol, Cannabis, and had to take a .1 clonidine last night to help sleep.

The Kratom really makes the day start well.  I will only be taking it till the end of the week which ends in 3 days.  5g twice a day for 2 more days and then 5g once for the last day.

I've been eating more, not having to force myself anymore.  Thank goodness cause that wasn't fun at all.  Food has been a welcoming part of this experience.  I truly forgot how good food was.

I notice how much we cultivate relationships while we are being normal humans.  It's amazing how many small interactions there are between each other.  While on dope you lose that entire part of the universe, as if it doesn't exist.

Feeling good today was magical.  So I went and bought a guitar to remind myself of what I just did for myself, my family, and my future.  That was was hard shit to do and get through.  I clawed my way out of it...worst pain ever, it was a literal temporal hell.  Now Heaven awaits!

Day Fifteen

Didn't sleep more than an hour last night, it was one of the most horrible days of this detox.  It was absolutely the withdrawal of the Suboxone I was taking.

Everything was a chore again.  Using the bathroom, brushing my teeth, eating, everything was a chore.

I was so desperate that I even called the local Suboxone clinic to see if I could get on maintenance.  Thankfully they had a waiting list and I had to look elsewhere.

I did have a lot of heroin left, it wasn't in reach while I was detoxing but I kept it just incase something this bad happened.  And it was this bad and if I had heroin with me I would have, without a doubt, dosed last night.

I took a bath at 5:30 in the morning and it was well worth it, very hard to do, but worth it.

Once I returned to the town I live I was desperate for something to relieve my pain and fatigue.  The heroin wasn't an option so everything I had left was flushed today.  It's over, my love affair with my friend heroin, it's over.

Then a miracle happened.  Kratom!

I have always had some Kratom around so if wanted or needed a simple mood lift, it was available.  I have been addicted to Kratom in the past but slowly weened myself off of it and it was nothing like heroin or Suboxone withdrawal.  Not even close.

Once I dosed 5mg Kratom within 15 minutes my fatigue started to subside.  I could stand up and not have to go directly to a bed.  I actually felt very normal, way better than I've been the last few nights.

Kratom is exactly what I needed to dull the cravings and not have to be on Suboxone.  I just wish I would have thought of it earlier.  It freaking works though, so good for my current situation.

So my drug intake today was 20mg Adderall, 5g of Kratom, some Cannabis, AdvilPM, and Tylenol.

The last dose of Adderall will be tomorrow.

Last night I did dose .2 clonodine to help sleep but all it did was keep me from going crazy.  I dosed another .2 clonodine about 6 hours later but still didn't sleep.

So I've slept about 4 hours entirely the last 48.  Very tired still but thankfully I came back to life due to Kratom.   Kratom is such a perfect relief for the later days of withdrawal.  It helps ease the pain, lifts your mood, and provides a bit of energy.

I will be dosing Kratom for the next few days to help get me back to center.  I will dose 5g two or three times a day, matters how I feel.

My one goal today is to be able to sleep.  This has been a hard couple of weeks but I'm thankful that I've been able to endure it, I barely made it out.  It was very very fucking hard.

Day Fourteen

if I could do it over again, I would have stayed on Suboxone and then did a long taper over a few months.

Yesterday and today were the worst concerning fatigue and being tired.

Last night I didn't sleep barely at all.  The inevitable came and I wasn't really ready for it.  Taking the Suboxone just postponed the inevitable, tiredness and depression.

Every action is a chore.  Brushing my teeth hurt.  Walking anywhere hurts.  Sitting down hurts.  All I can and want to do in lay in bed.

Drug intake today was 20mg Adderall and some local recreational weed.  Ibuprofen, also added some cloindine last night and it didn't seem to help so I'm not taking anymore.

No more xanax, took my last of it last night.

I did buy some Tylenol.  Still have to force myself to eat.

Overall, very miserable.  I hope tomorrow is better.  This sucks!

Day Thirteen

Suboxone has a hell of a half life.  It lingers in your body for days on end.  Those of you that take it everyday and for months or years at a time, I understand you, I honor your struggle.

When heroin goes completely out of your system then the withdrawals are intense and hard.

Switching to Suboxone made the first 3 days bearable.  But the effects of Suboxone last so much longer.

I stopped my Suboxone intake on day 9.  5 days after my last heroin use.  I was going to stay on Suboxone maintenance for a couple months but at the last minute decided to only do a quick taper.  I was hooked on Subs just like many people are and it took months of tapering and anguish to finally get off of them.  Long and drawn out, months worth of slow mild withdrawal.

It went hydros, Heroin, Suboxone, Kratom, then clean.  All within a year and a half.  Then just a year and three months laster started abusing stimulants and then made my way to heroin once again.  It's a bad cycle that will stop.

But I'm still feeling the effects of a depleted brain when I wake up, when I lay down, just all day long this sense of fatigue and lethargy.  I did take .5mg of Xanax to sleep and some Ibuprofen.  Then woke up at 4am and then had to take .1 clonidine to go back to sleep.

I also took 20mg Addreall this morning which really boosted my focus and energy, thank goodness.  I was pretty depressed waking up today, day 13.

I went and had some fresh fruit and a pastry but I had to force myself to do it.  It was fantastic as usual.  I did also force myself to run up 12 flights of stairs so far today.  Sitting, laying in bed is making me depressed.

I didn't smoke cannabis until later in the afternoon which helped not feel so tired.  But I do think the tiredness and fatigue are from the lingering effects of the last bit of Suboxone and that suck ass depression that follows opiate withdrawal.

The pain is finally leaving but the depression is what I'm battling now.

There is also still that underlining inside my bone feeling of wanting to be satisfied.  It's what we call cravings, they're very strong and a constant reminder of the present moment.  Knowing just one small dose would take me to heaven is an unbelievable temptation.

But for only temporal gain.  So not worth it.

If heaven is so close why do we choose to go through hell to get there?

Day Twelve

Single minded.

That's what you are when you're feeding your addiction, whatever it might be.

As I'm still detoxifying I'm noticing how much more option their is in life.  Under the bondage of dope theres is only one option.

My drug intake today was 20mg adderall, ibuprofen, some weed and only .5mg of xanax to sleep last night.  I did only sleep about 6 hours, took a bit to go to sleep and then woke up fairly early.

I'm still fatigued, it comes in waves.  I still feel neck pain and back pain.  My bones still could use some soothing.  Again, it's hard to eat but when I do, it's magical.  I can taste again.

I have been smoking too much weed because I can fell that it's making me more heavy.  Help's big time with numbing the pain.   But I'm going to cut it down to once or twice a day and see how my energy is.

As I was running up the stairs in my hotel as I got to the top and was out of breath, I realized, this feels like getting high.  Hearts pounding, blood is pumping, etc.  You feel a dose of good high in those moments.

I always took the route of not having to run up the stairs to feel high though, always seeking the easiest way with the least amount of pain.

I will work to make a life that chooses the most balanced way.  Not one way or the other, I will try both ways and then decide myself which one is more balanced.  Usually there are multiple ways to one end in life, why not be adventurous and and experience as many as you can on the way there.

Then be you.

Day Eleven

My last dose of Suboxone was on day 9 and it was only 1mg.

Drug intake today was 20mg adderall which will be gone soon.  Went to the local weed store and bought some cannibas oil to smoke, Advil, Xanax to sleep, and my trusty vape.  My vape seems to have become by best friend through this, as I have't even talked about, I quit smoking (cigarettes at least) also on day 3.

Im still in minor pain.  Its bearable but it's still very much there.  I'm crying on and off throughout the day, my bones still hurt, my mind is overwhelmed with a thousand thoughts, it's still hard to sleep, and I'm still cold all the time.

This quick taper from heroin then to suboxone and now with nothing in 11 days has been pretty painful.

No matter what way you go about heroin withdrawal, you can't beat it.  You just have to give in to the pain and endure it till it's over.  You have to surrender, you have no power not to.

But isn't that like the movies we watch.  Some great character lives this great life and then something bad happens and then in the end they find victory.

Those kind of stories and movies are what give us hope that it's all worth it.  I watched Ben Hur last night (the new one) and the movie just gripped me.  The movie was amazing good, then bad blood, then good again, then horrible, then revenge, then victory, then at the end the movie it just broke me., it really broke me.  I was on my knees sobbing.

When you start to feel again, it's fucking amazing!

And I think this is the main point of what I'm saying.

"It's the hero's journey we all want to be a part of."

For instance, I wouldn't want to write a blog that proclaims the victory of heroin addiction.  No, I would want to write a blog about how a heroin addict beat the addiction and became balanced.  And lived with renewed energy and became even more a change in the world than he was before.

Those are the stories we want to hear and watch.

Those kind that give us hope that there is a way out and we aren't alone in this world and we all have endless potential.

That we aren't who we've believed we were for all those years in finding our identity, lying to ourselves about our worth.  That we don't have to be the false person we front each and every day.  We don't have to be that fake person, we can be ourselves.

The story that tells you at the end, love and mercy for all and everyone is saved.  That's what we want, more of that.  Because its true, it is possible, you can beat heorin, it doesn't have to kill you.

I've been around the block a few times.  What I can say is, it's a very loud world with so many pieces to it, no piece is better than another, so then, find your piece and join in the noise.  I could choose to die to heroin and go quietly into the night or I can find my piece in this universe and make some noise!

If you're not giving your taking.  If you aren't loving your hating.  And if you are not producing you are consuming.  Don't just consume, don't just produce.  Do both.  Live a balanced life.

Do not let heroin control you nor let control control you, find the balance, this is better.

It's my hope that through each day I write I gain more ability and insight to share what I've learned and have experienced in this world, and in doing, contribute my noise to the universe.

I do know this.  I'm happy to be alive.  I'm happy to have beaten heroin once again.  That wasn't fun this wasn't easy.  But I did it...which means anything is possible.

Day Ten

Grateful.  Blessed.  Happy.  Excited.  Thankful.

I have this underlining feeling of gratitude.  I actually laughed last night at myself over some random thought and immediately realized I haven't laughed in ages.

The smile on my face immediately became tears of joy.  I can feel again.  Im so so so relieved.

I decided last night that I'm going to keep writing everyday about my journey to sobriety.  I figured it would be a way to be accountable and at the same time give me something to contribute, even if I'm the only reader.  At least its something I'm giving out rather than always taking.

Plus I want to prove the people wrong that say you must do it this way or you must do it that way.

I dosed my last dose of subs I had yesterday.  It is only 1mg.  I feel fine, some stomach issues and still bit of fatigue but I'm up and out so I feel pretty normal.

If I would have went to a sub doctor or rehab I'd be on suboxone continually and have just as hard a time to get off that as I have heroin.

I will still be aided by cannibus as is legal here in Washington, it really helped after the first few days to try and forget the pain and just get through the day.  Also, I do have a few adderall still that helps with focus but I'm only taking the usual prescribed 20mg a day.  Also, I have 2gm left of xanax for the next few nights if I can't sleep.  I also have some clonidine which I have't needed but keep anyway in case I ever do.

But my idea for continuing to write is to see if I can get to a fully detoxified mind and body.  Be fully clean off every substance.  I want to see if my mind is better or worse, If I do good or do bad, if being high is better or if being sober is better.  I will be typing each day what I do, where I go, what I do what I do and then the result of it all.

I've been away from my wife and kids this entire 10 days alone, in a hotel room, doing this alone.

I get all my substances off the darknet and have been since it started with Silkroad in 2011.  I took breaks throughout the years but I always tend to return for some small issue.

Like last year, I was even addicted to Kratom, it went heroin to suboxone to kratom.  It took months to get off Kratom even, its legal, but I didn't like being addicted.  So I spend day after day slowing lowering my tolerance until one days I didn't need it anymore. Also all last year I was doing cocaine along with LSD, mushrooms, estacy, and every other drug you can name.

I was fully clean and sober last summer.  No drinking, smoking, weed, nothing.  Fully straight edge.  I remember attending our annual summer picnic, total sober, totally straight, and I didn't like it.  I didn't like not having a beer to loosen up.  I didn't enjoy all the people I lead like I used to, and that was being totally straight.

I remember feeling good but not great.  I remember I wasn't waking up in the morning happy.  I wanted to experiment and see what I could do to wake up happy everyday.  Not having some kind of substance in my body made me feel unbalanced.  At least from what I can remember.

And so I did what a teenager would do, went to a music festival.  Im not a teenager either, I'm almost 40.

I ended up attending some music festivals last summer and it was pretty freaking amazing.  No matter what anyone tells you, music festivals are a fascinating thing.  I love that I can be anything and do anything and it doesn't matter.  Not do bad things but stuff like paint your face and dress up whatever you want to express yourself.

But drugs are always involved.  They are the life blood of music festivals.  They are what give it so much energy.  So I began to dabble deeper and deeper until I was full blown addicted to heroin again.

I've purposely lived my life wanting to find my own way.  Growing up without a father figure and a drug infested childhood you would then know why I've been battling substances since I could remember.  That survival mentality I have is probably why I've been able to build a multimillion dollar business even though I had straight F's though high school and dropped out like my entire family.

Actually there are many factors why I am where I am.  But for today, all I know is that I'm happy.  And that's all that truly matters today.

Oh, and as I left my hotel room this morning, it was surreal.

The only person or thing that didn't leave me was that part of me that's connected to everything.  God if you will.  I love that part of my existence, that part that never judges me or despises me, the part that doesn't need to say anything to comfort me just because they don't have to.  That part that says I love you and you are good and you are important.  I love that.  That power that dwells in that spiritual place is the most gentle, most loving, most caring power that exist.

I'n the darkest night of my soul I was not alone.

Day 9...

Wow, 9 days.

Opiate addiction, of any sort, is a bitch.  It's such a love/hate relationship.  I love it but goodness I hate it just as much.

Today I have finally gotten enough energy to freakin get out of bed.  Finally went outside, in the snow, and went to get some food.

I dosed 1mg subs today.

I'm going to rapid taper my dose because the last thing I want is to be on Suboxone forever.  I've done it before and it's the longest drawn out annoying thing ever.  You think 9 days is long, shit, Suboxone withdrawal fells like an entire month.  Yeah, it's not as hard but the lingering pain consistently is just the worst.  I remember wanting to do oxy's to cover the sub withdrawal and then start the cycle all over again.

Today I still feel fatigue but its not even as bad as its been.  I still have cravings and this sorta underlining yearning for something to satisfy.

You know it's like your bones are crying out for comfort.  That kind of feeling.

I could cover it up with xanax but I decided to go natural and smoke some marijuana.  I have't even smoked pot in months.  Now it's one of the best remedies at day 9.

I am someone that doesn't like professionals.  I mean, I would rather be under my own supervision than under someone else.  They don't know me, why I'm me, what I've experienced in life.

Professionals only know their field of study and their own opinions based off some kind of research which in 50 years will be proven wrong anyway.

I want to be the maker of my own destiny.  Not the state.  Not the government.  Not any doctors.

Going threw this detox alone without the help of anyone is proof that you don't need help.  You don't need assistants.  Fact is, you don't even need another person.

If you choose that then cool and I'm all for you.  But from what I've learned in life once you surrender to what ever it is you disagree with you will give up all power you once held in that area.  You will be the slave to whatever you bow to, in spirit and in life.

I was getting the best heroin you can find in the world sent directly to me through the darknet.  I was living off of a $3000-$4000/month habit of the good afghan #4.  Up to 2 grams a day everyday.

Remember, I run a multimillion dollar company so money is and never was an issue.  Why stop then right?  Well, I began to lose all real feelings and just feel what heroin was doing.  I was coping with the struggle and stress of life rather than dealing with it.  And I need to deal with it without the help of my drug of choice.  Plus, I could tell it was starting to kill me.

After tapering for a couple weeks I began to induce subs into my system.

It took at least 3 days from my last dose of heroin to be able to get out of bed and go outside.  My habit was big with the best quality H in the world.

And I stopped on my own, without professionals, without doctors, without a detox center.

And I'm not an idiot and understand PAWS.  All I'm saying is that those that say you have to do it this way or that because the book says it, tell them to fuck off.

You can do whatever you like and I'll never judge you.  I wanted to do this experiment to see if it would work.  And it did.

It wasn't painless but it wasn't that bad either.

No restless leg, chills for only one day and that was on and off, muscles hurt, pain in the bones but still bearable.  That was it, oh yeah, and all the emotion you start feeling again.

The best thing about it all.  My mind is finally clear.  Getting clear.  I've missed that more than anything.

9 days!!!! I really did it.  It really worked.

Day 8...

It's taken way longer than I was hoping to make this transition to suboxone.  I've once again been in bed all day with absolutely no energy.

I hoping tomorrow I'll be able to get outside and at least get out.  I took 4gm subs again today but it wasn't until later around 5pm because I felt decent enough all morning.

I must have been on a high dose of heroin because it took forever to make this switch and it wasn't pleasant, even a little.  It took forever for the opaites to get out of my body

I did smoke some weed last night and it made everything better for a while but I really want to get to the point of using nothing at all.

I will keep on posting each day what I did and how I feel.

What i've learned so far is that no matter what, when you stop opiates you need a few days rest, not one, not two, but like three or four.

I can't wait to be able to do stuff naturally again.

day 7...

Don't feel good at all.  A ton of fatigue, bed ridden, been out of the house once yesterday and it was just for 10 minutes.

I waited the entire 24 hours a took 4mg subs.  It took 4 hours for it to really work correctly.

So its been 51 hours since I dosed heroin.  That's amazing!!!

I was an inch away from dosing another hit of heroin but for some reason I decided to ride it out.  I figured I was this far, why not keep going knowing how disappointed I would have been if I re-dosed some H.

So in that I felt victorious.  But, I still feel like shit after I woke up.  I did have to take some xanax to fall asleep due to the aches and pain.

They say that it takes a couple days to stabilize on subs but this really sucks.

I have no energy.  I have a headache.  My muscles and joints still hurt.  Overall I know why I do opaites.

All I want to do is lay in bed.  Thankfully, I don't work and get paid a huge amount of money from my business so it's not like I'm needed for anything.

What I'm going to do is just ride this out and keep this journey so I can at least look back on it when I feel like using again.  It takes days man, don't start, the withdrawal is so not worth it.

While the opiate high is fantastic at first what happens is that it begins to dull everything in life.  Zaps my creativity, drive, focus, care about things, relationships, isolation, fear, and suppresses all feelings, good an bad.

It's day 7 of this experiment and it's probably the worst I have felt. Well today and yesterday, they are about the same.  Except now the emotions are coming.  I've buried a ton recently and they are really coming out in a big way.

Been crying on and off throughout the day.  And I cry like never.

Oh yeah, and I have't eating much other than some fruit and a bowl of cereal.

Hopefully, as the crap leaves my system I'll gain strength and ability to finally get out of bed.  Until then, i'll be lying here.

day 6...

Yesterday I ended up staying in after the errands I ran.  As I've been going through this detox I'm noticing a huge lack in energy and an overall uncomfortable feeling.

I did sleep alright last night, took some time to fall asleep and then I woke up a few times though the night.

As I woke up I dosed 20mg of Adderall and felt pretty good.  I think the suboxone has build up pretty well in my system at this point and it's really kept most of the withdrawal at bay and has made it bearable.

I have't taken any heroin or suboxone yet today and it's 3pm.  my last dose of heroin was last night at 6:30 pm.  I am slightly afraid I will go into precipitated Withdrawal so I'm going to push as long as I can before taking anymore subs, as yesterday was a bit of a disappointment due to the fact that I wasn't able to make the jump to subs entirely.

I did dose another 20mg of Adderall as it seems to give me energy and focus and make these mild withdrawals even more bearable.  I have been inside all day, in my bed, with very low energy.  I've also been able to eat very little as I'm getting cramps and don't feel hungry from the addys.

I'm going to wait at least a full 24 (maybe more if I can) hours before inducing more suboxone.  I'm actually totally able to bare the withdrawal at the moment as long as i stay in bed and not use much energy.

I do feel having the subs in my system is whats causing only very mild withdrawal.  Any other time in the past, going without heroin for more than few hours, has always caused acute withdrawal symptoms.  I'm actually surprised that I'm able to bare it.

My symptoms include back pain, cramps here and there, some body sweats (but not much), fatigue, low energy, and muscle pain.  Again, they are pretty mild at the moment and I did dose 20 more mg of Adderall which is helping a lot.

I'll push as long as I can before taking more subs tonight, but I will take them.  I want to make this jump pretty bad.  I know it'll happen, just want it to be today.

We'll see.

Day 5...

my last dose of heroin was last night at 6:30pm.  I planned to wake up today at dose only Suboxone at 12pm.  We'll I woke up with mild withdrawal, nothing bad, but still some discomfort.

I dosed 20mg Adderall at 10am and felt pretty good.  Then at 11:30 dosed 2mg of bupe.

I felt fine.  A bit uncomfortable still.  I then headed out to take care of some errands and while out I began to feel more and more uncomfortable.

I came back home and dosed another 2mg Suboxone.

It seems to have not built up in my system enough because the precipitated withdrawals started to come a bit after that 2nd dose of subs.  Not bad ones but bad enough to change the plan a bit.

I decided it's not worth the discomfort at this time and then dosed .2g of heroin.  Within 5 minutes I felt totally normal.  No chills, no sweating, no discomfort.

I will dose one more time today at 6pm and then try this over again tomorrow and see if the bupe has built up enough in my system to fulling make the jump.

It will be a full 18 hours from my last dose of H tonight to my next dose of bupe tomorrow.

Hopefully this will work as I really don't want to feel any discomfort at any level.  Thus, the reason why I choose to do opiates in the first place.

Day 4...

Yesterday was interesting.  As I dosed the Suboxone I could tell that my body was/is adjusting to it.  Thankfully, the covering of the heroin kept any and most all pain away.

I did dose another 2mg of bupe last night and then did my heroin dose of .2 to cover the bupe.  it worked well.

This morning I woke up with almost no withdrawal feeling at all.  I believe it is the bupe working itself into my system.

I upped my dose of bupe to 3mg to really build it up in my system this morning.  I could tell it was working because i felt the worst I've felt for a long time.  I had to cover it with .4mg of heroin to make the pain subside.

I've also added 20mg of adderall to the scenario.  I've learned through experience that a little adderall relieves the grogginess you get from opiate withdrawal.

So today I feel that I've got plenty of bupe in my system to finally make the jump.  I will do one last dose of heroin tonight at 6pm and then dose 2mg bupe when I wake up the following day along with 20mg adderall.



Tomorrow will be my first day without heroin in over 6 months.  This weekend will tell me if this worked or if this didn't work.  I'll keep posting.

Day 3...

After reading a bunch of forums on suboxone induction I came across this unique idea.  The thing about suboxone is that you have to wait 24-36 hours before you can take it otherwise you go into what they call precipitated withdrawal.  It's happened to me before when I was unaware of it and I took the bupe too soon and started to go into hard withdrawal.  So I took more bupe...that didn't work, just made it worse.  What I had to do that day was dose more heroin to put the withdrawal at bay.  it worked.

Anyway, this poster said that he found a way to painlessly induce suboxone.  So I began experimenting.  

Both heroin and suboxone are opiates but they say that they fight to attach to your receptors, thus the reason for PW.  What the poster said was to take a small amount of suboxone with your dose of heroin too build up the bupe in your system.  After a couple days the bupe will begin to block the effects of heroin and magically, you've made the jump.  Small as in 1mg or so.

If this works then you can painlessly and easily make the jump from hard opaites to bupe.

This morning when I woke up I decided to give it a try.  I induced after about 8 hours from my last does with 1mg of bupe.  I didn't really feel anything after 30 minutes so I took another mg.  Then I began to feel a little PW and then dosed my usual .1 gram of heroin.  The withdrawal stopped.

I did need a little more heroin than usual but it made sense because the bupe was doing what it is supposed to do, block opiates.

So, today I dosed .2 grams of heroin and 2mg of bupe at the same time.  I felt a little uncomfortable but that was it.

I will dose .1 of heroin again at 3pm, 6pm, and 9pm.  I will also be adding 2mg of bupe with my 6pm dose.

Ideally, I want too be able to make the full jump to suboxone tomorrow by 6pm.

Again, if this works then those of us that fear endlessly the struggle to go from opiates to maintenance will be assured that it's easy and painless.

Day 2...

So, I woke up today in mild withdrawal.  It was about 9am and I was in a body sweat, nothing extreme but uncomfortable nonetheless.  I used the bathroom and then ended up smoking about .1 grams of heroin.  It began to calm my withdrawal symptoms immediately.

The thing about withdrawal is that it's so uncomfortable.  the fear of the pain and aches associated with withdrawal is what keeps me under the herion ball and chain.  each and every time I dose I know that the pain will disappear and I will be in a place of comfort almost immediately.

 What if you were really sick and you knew that you had a pill you could take that would wipe away all the pain associated with that sickness, would you take it?  That's what opiates do and that's why they are so addicting.

I began my first dose this morning at 11:30am.  As I said yesterday I was going to dose only .1 gram every 3 hours beginning at 12pm.  I did start 30 minutes early as I had to head out before the noon hour.  About 1:45pm I began to feel a bit uncomfortable so I again smoked another .1 at 1:50pm.  This will hold me over until my next 3pm dose.

My goal is to stay this course for the next 2 days and then jump to Suboxone.  Today is Wednesday so my last dose will be Friday night at 6pm.  I will then wait for the 30 hour mark to induce 2mg Suboxone so i don't go into precipitated withdrawal.

I was thinking of forcing the precipitated withdrawal and then redosing heroin so at least I could get some bupe into my system.  I've done that before but I'm unsure of the outcome if I go that route.

Either way I will be jumping to bupe in the next few days nonetheless.  This is a record of that journey and I'll post each day to track my progress and see how and what takes place.