Day 90

I did it.  Substance free on day 90.

It was a little slow couple days stopping kratom finally but in glad I did it.  This blog is really the only thing that kept me motivated to stop kratom by day 90.

Now the goal is to continue this blog till day 120.

I want to cronical my days moving beyond day 90 and stay open about my struggles with life and drug addiction.

Day 89

its day 89 and it was my first day since day 15 that I didn't have to dose kratom.  Today was great.  It was a long Saturday in which I slept in, relaxed, relaxed some more, watched some movies, and then went to bed.  One of those kind of days.

I did feel fatigue a bit and an overall tiredness.  First day without kratom feels really good to say out loud.  I've been taking kratom for 2.5 months now.

Drug intake today: cannabis

I do feel cannabis is my only issue.  I do use it throughout the day and with today's technology it's really easy to dose anytime and anywhere.  However, I feel on day 90 that cannabis is more a benefit than it is a crutch.  For that reason I will take my time as I refuse my daily use to the point of zero.

I will be posting to day 120 to follow my journey after stopping kratom.

Day 88

Today was supposed to be a full day without kratom.  I did dose one time today toward the end of the day.  Tomorrow will be much easier to go without kratom.

Drug intake today: 1 dose of 1g kratom and cannabis.

I am still using cannabis through the day.  I will see where I'm at on day 90.  As for kratom or any other substance I'll be fully free.

Day 86-87

Being back and forth to Vegas and back has been a lot of travel.  Also, I lost my MacBook so I haven't had a computer.  Reasons why my blogs have been short and missing.

But I'm back now.  I love it at home.  The weather has been really nice lately and I've been waking up early with little to no pain....it's just fantastic.

My kratom dose is so low it's almost not even noticeable.  Tomorrow will be my first attempt using zero kratom.  I'll see how it goes.

Drug intake today: 1g kratom, cannabis

Day 85

drug intake today: 1g kratom, cannabis.

Traveling again to Vegas today.

Day 83-84

I'm really proud of myself.

I've made some really big moves the last few months and have really done well overall.  I'm amazed that I'm gaining a little momentum.  I'm finding my flow.  

Writing daily is a very small obligation but it's also such a huge task to me.  I really don't want to write most of the time and I usually don't know what to talk about.  

But I like the idea that I committed to something, like writing this blog for 90 days, it keeps me convicted to follow through with my previous promises.  

drug intake today: 1g kratom and cannabis.

Kratom will likely be done tomorrow.  Day 90 is approaching fast.  

Day 82

So, I lost my laptop right.  Means I have to post on my phone.  So each day it'll be short and sweet.

Drug intake: 1g kratom, cannabis.

It seems this 1g kratom dose is needed at this time.  I will begin to really get kratom free the day after tomorrow which will be Monday.  I'm excited to get back to my schedule at home and make some good moves moving forward.

I'll be looking to buy another macbook too.  Can't believe it would be stolen, such a bummer.

Day 81

today was a rough day.  I lost my laptop and passport Arby's the airport.  It was diffficult to swallow.

Drug intake today: 1.5g kratom, cannabis

Flying to Seattle right now for the SCA tradeshow.

Day 80

One last day in Vegas with my wife for her IVF treatment.  We will have to travel back and forth for a few months.

Drug intake today: 1g kratom, cannabis

I really did great today with my kratom dose.  I stall have the overall soreness and back pain/neck pain.  I'm really looking forward to getting over Kratom once again.

Day 79

i was at .5g this morning but had such low energy that's I dosed 2g to get out of the funk.  It helped of course.  I will do my best to stay at the half gram through the end of the week.

Drug intake today: 2g kratom and cannabis.

This 90 day episode is coming to an end.  The goal was substance free.  Ill hit the goal.

Day 78

The wife and I spent the day sightseeing in Las Vegas.  We ended up doing the helicopter tour over the grand canyon.  Pretty amazing stuff.

drug intake today: 1g kratom, cannabis.

I started today at .5 grams but upped it to 1g by afternoon.  I feel ok now and don't want to hit any bottoms.  I will be dosing .5 all day tomorrow and I'll see how it goes.

Day 77

Woke up early this morning in Vegas and it felt great.  It's truly amazing to not feel like crap in the morning.  I've been living for years in a fog.  It was providing for me what I needed just not in a healthy way.

Drug intake today: 1g kratom and cannabis.

I was able to sleep fine last night without having to redose at all.  I will have this crutch taken care of really really soon.  I give myself the end of this week to be kratom free.  Today is Monday and it's day 78.

Day 76

Last night it was hard to fall asleep due to the low doses of kratom.  As I was tossing and turning I was a thinking it was so worth the discomfort for the end result.  Getting to the point of being able to live off my own natural energy is so enticing.  It's been years.

Drug intake today: 1g kratom, cannabis

I am still at 1g doses and had to almost double my dose last night to sleep.  I'm going to stop completely by the end of the week.  I feel around day 85 I'll be saying goodbye to cannabis too.

Day 75

I was able to dose just 1g kratom doses today.  I've been tired a lot more than usual but it's worth it knowing that I'll be done with kratom soon.  The only real side effects I'm having from kratom is lack of energy, less sleep, and a little leg pain.  Other than that it was a low dose anyway so there's not much.  I think a ton of it is mental more than anything.

Drug intake today: 1g kratom doses and cannabis

I've been cutting back the cannabis use also.  At least I'm trying.  I'm getting excited for the 90 day mark.  It's a mental goal that I've set with writing this blog and to be substance free.

I'm traveling to Las Vegas this week with my wife.  It will be the first time going to Vegas and not drinking or on drugs.  I'm sure it will be a different kind of city.  I am excited for this new season in my life.  When I look at myself in the mirror these days it's a feeling of gratitude and blessing that I'm still here and that I made it this far.

We don't have to live lives of sorrow and defeat and we can live lives of joy and gratitude.  It is possible to be free from the grips of heroin.  It's not easy and it's still slightly difficult to keep progressing but I know what's important to me and I'll do whatever I have to to protect it.

My family, my company, my employees.  I have so much to live for and so much at stake.  I'm amazed it didn't all fall apart.  So so grateful today!

Day 74

The last few entries have been short.  I've been posting from my phone each day the last few.  I think it's just because my schedule has been different the last week.

Drug intake today: 2.5g kratom and cannabis

I was down to 1g kratom today but it wasn't enough because my legs started to get really sore.  It was due to the low dose of kratom.  My kratom dose today was 1g at 6am, 1g at 9am then I couldn't deal with the leg pain and it was making me irritable so I dosed 2.5g at 12:30pm.  About an hour later I was much better with both pain management and energy.  Then I dosed 2g around 7pm

I will be dosing 1g all day tomorrow again and see if I can make it though.  My goal is to be off kratom by the end of next week.  I think I'll make it!

Day 73

I've been really reducing my kratom intake the last few days.  I'm making it a goal to be finished with kratom by the 90 day mark.  I want to get to a point of having natural energy.  If that's through diet, exercise, or just living without substances than that's fine.  I want to be able to know I can live each day solely on my own natural abilities.

Drug intake today: 1.5 kratom, cannabis.

I've been dosing less times a day too.  I'd like to cut the kratom out asap.  I'll see how I feel each day as I lower my doses.

Day 72

today I have really cut my kratom use.  I'm surprised by my abilities to go so long without redosing.

Drug intake today: 1.5 kratom, cannabis

I will do 1.5 tomorrow and then drop it to 1g the following day.

I will stay current on the cannabis use for now.

Day 71

I know everyday I wake up that the 90 day limit is coming.

I don't want it to.  I want to keep prolonging this moment to try and keep this feeling of comfort.  But I know what I promised and I will honor my promise.  And I know that comfort is a sign of giving up or a settling for what is.  Not in a "present moment" type of way but in a "oh well" kind of way.  A giving up because life isn't interesting anymore.

I want a life that is Interesting.  Mysterious.  Full of Wisdom.  A life that demonstrates a subtle surrendering to the elements of existence. And in that surrendering finds the secrets of life.

Starting today I will limit my intake to 1.5 kratom and 1/4 of my cannabis use.

Intake today: 1.5 kratom, cannabis

The goal is clean.  The goal is substance free.  The goal is less than 20 days away.  The goal is to beat any and all things that have mastery over me.  And then become the master of it.

Day 70

Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis

I have a headache today, all day long almost.  I need to go to bed.  Short but sweet today.

Day SixtyEight&Nine

Been traveling with my wife this weekend.  Ended up in Hollywood at a thought leaders conference.  It was pretty good.  Amazing actually.

I'm truly living each day with more and more intention and awareness. What just was so real 2 months ago has now become a distant memory.  We can truly live whatever life we can imagine.  There are no limits.  But there are consequences.

Drug intake today: 2g kratom 5 times today and cannabis.

If moments can be this good now then why can't they always be this good?  Or are they always good we just choose what perspective to see it through?

I'm going to spend this bit of time I have at the airport hanging out with my wife and building our relationship:)  Much love!

Day SixtySeven

Drug Intake today: 2g kratom 5 times a day.  Cannabis.

I suppose I should say more than 2g because I dose 2 grams 4-5 times a day.  I started about a month ago only posting what my dose was.  At first I was dosing 8-10 grams kratom.  Then stated going down from there.  I'm at about 8-12 grams a day depending on how many times I dose.  I will usually wake up and dose 2 grams, then every 4 hours through the day.  If I wake up early then I dose more, if I sleep in later then less.

I feel the best and most balanced at the 2 gram dose.  I still have underlining cravings for things.  Usually it's nicotine or something to satisfy after I eat a meal.  I've vary aware of it and have been keeping mental record.

As day 90 approaches I try and come up with many reasons to stay on kratom.  I like not being high on dope and boost.  If kratom can keep me from that now and possibly forever then would it be viable to stop its use?  At least thats what I ask myself.

I stay focused on where I want to be and will track my progress daily.

Day SitxySix

Traveling with my wife today to a conference in Hollywood.  Again, traveling is a fun thing to do.  I feel so much better than the last time we traveled to the HPA event at like day 45 or something.  I feel really really good actually.

Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis

For years I would get drinks on the plane or at the airport bar.  I would get hammered before I'd get on the plane.  I was wreckless.  There are so many memories of me high on airplanes.  It always seemed like such a fun thing for me to do, travel and get really high.

I feel so much better not drinking.  I feel so much better not smoking.  I feel so much better when I wake up in the morning and when I talk to people.  I'm not in pain anymore.

As addicts we carry so much pain with us it's crazy.  It's like a part of us that we can't ever depart from and the more we try to get rid of it the more it strangles us.  I once heard a guru say, "pain is necessary until it is unnecessary."

Pain is a tutor.  It's only supposed to be a tutor and nothing else.  It's not supposed to form us and identify as us.  It's there to teach us, guide us, and make us whole.  Without pain there would be no gain...without hell there is no heaven...without struggle there is no victory.

Yes, pain hurts.  Yes we live in that pain often.  Yes it is a literal hell that we choose to endure or hold onto.  We have the choice to choose what life we will live.  We can be a person that loves or a person that hates.  Each day and at every moment we have that choice.

We choose.

Day SixtyFive

Another day where I have noticed another boost in energy and focus.  It seems I'm really gaining back my true form the longer I go without opiates.  I really feel better and better and seem to have gained ability to keep my state balanced and focused.  I'm still on my current kratom dose 4 times a day and small doses of cannabis throughout the day to help consistency.  It's truly the most balanced I've felt in years.

Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis

My sleep is dependent on the kratom.  I wake up each morning from 3am-6am and dose 1-2g and sleep for another 3-4 hours.  It's become a daily activity and I don't mind it...mostly because I wake up feeling very balanced.  It's a huge change for me personally and mentally because waking up has always been one of the hardest things for me to be good at.  Where I'm at today with my mornings has never been before.  It's pretty magical.

Day SixtyFour

Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis.

I don't really think about the 90 days mark.  What I think is that I'll keep on writing and doing this blog each day anyway.  I don't plan on how long it will last but I plan on it nonetheless.

Everyday is full and becoming better and more.  It's very welcoming.

Day SixtyThree

I'm really feeling better and better everyday.  At least with well being and energy.  I've been taking a while to wake up each morning but each time I do it really makes my day go really well.  It's almost like a mediation in some ways.  Overall I'm really gaining more and more ability to be aware of my life.

Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis

Doing such a low dose of kratom is beneficial in a lot of ways without the side effects.  It keeps my stomach satisfied if or when I crave a beer.  Kratom takes away the desire for more which is a very beneficial medication when dealing with opiate addiction.

Just really enjoying the process on day 63.  I longed for days like this when I was a slave to dope.  It truly is heaven compared to day 1.

Day SixtTwo

Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis.

I'm getting more comfortable in my daily activities.  The sun is coming out because it's spring and it's really really nice.  For sure my favorite time of year.

I spent a lot of today (Sunday) just relaxing with the family.  It was a good day.

Day SixtyOne

I've been looking or my purpose for years.  Every year the last few I've been pretty amazed by the things I've accomplished.  Most of it not planned.  So I figured I'd just forget about finding my purpose and enjoy life instead.  But life isn't always clean and crisp.

Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis

I honestly live life a pretty sloppy life according to the norm.  I sleep in each day till about 7:30-8am.  And my morning routine is like this.  It takes me about 15-30 minutes to fully open my eyes.  It's like hitting snooze but I don't have an alarm clock.  My body just does it this way.

I then lay in bed for a least an hour and work.  I'll start slow with stocks, weather, finances, and news updates and then go deeper into email and actual decision making stuff.

It usually last an hour.  I know some people are early morning people thinking that the day is half over by 9am but for me it's just starting.  I'll take my time getting up and right before 10am I usually have to force myself to eat because I'm just not a breakfast person.  But breakfast is so much better for the energy in my day.  And my lady always has something made for me these days.

But my life is sloppy because its so late into the morning isn't it.  As  CEO you's think I'd be at the office at 7am sharp!  To most people they would never guess that I would waste my mornings like that.  But to me it's not wasted...it's heaven!

I do it because its a really close second to what heaven would be like.

My bed is the softest thing in the world...it really is damn close.  My pillow is fantastically perfect.  My room is so comfortable.  My view is breathtaking and it's my favorite place in the world.  That's why I do it...and I love every minute of it.

If I could exstend heaven then I'll do it.

Drug intake today: 2g kratom, cannabis