It's going to take a few weeks to fully reset but I'm totally getting there.
Drug intake: 10g Kratom, last 10mg dose of Adderall, .1 clonidine last night for sleep, and Tylenol. No Cannabis today.
I was up early again after just a few hours sleep and again had some breakfast and tried to sleep some more. Was out of the hotel and ended up getting a good amount of work done today. So my mind and focus are coming back for sure.
I've really been dealing with deep issues about my addiction. It seems that my pain steams really deep because of what I endured as a youth and young adult. It brings me down to a level of fear and shame.
It's pretty sad. I've been plagued by a scarlet letter.
It effects almost everything I do. To how I run my business, to how I spend my money, to how I post on social media. It effects everything. And it always has.
I realize the only way to be free from it is to be fully open about it despite the circumstance.
It really odd though because I really never did hang out with addicts. I usually used alone, except on occasion. We are the neediest of humans and take much more than we give while using. Yet, I am in the gulley of the slave ship with them all...it's been 20 years of slavery.
At what point will I, in my life, be ok with this?
I do know that people tend to not focus much on addiction unless it's put in their face over and over again or if they are directly hurt by it. But it lives inside of me daily and doesn't ever let me forget anything, ever, nothing.
I'm reminded daily of my addiction, my sentence, my prison.
I will try today to own it. To know I can do nothing but move forward. That I can bring joy and love into the world today to combat what pain and hurt I have caused.
So today it's love and joy. As much as possible, focus on seeing people, listening to them, and cultivating them.
Don't just talk, listen. It's magical.
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