Day Thirteen

Suboxone has a hell of a half life.  It lingers in your body for days on end.  Those of you that take it everyday and for months or years at a time, I understand you, I honor your struggle.

When heroin goes completely out of your system then the withdrawals are intense and hard.

Switching to Suboxone made the first 3 days bearable.  But the effects of Suboxone last so much longer.

I stopped my Suboxone intake on day 9.  5 days after my last heroin use.  I was going to stay on Suboxone maintenance for a couple months but at the last minute decided to only do a quick taper.  I was hooked on Subs just like many people are and it took months of tapering and anguish to finally get off of them.  Long and drawn out, months worth of slow mild withdrawal.

It went hydros, Heroin, Suboxone, Kratom, then clean.  All within a year and a half.  Then just a year and three months laster started abusing stimulants and then made my way to heroin once again.  It's a bad cycle that will stop.

But I'm still feeling the effects of a depleted brain when I wake up, when I lay down, just all day long this sense of fatigue and lethargy.  I did take .5mg of Xanax to sleep and some Ibuprofen.  Then woke up at 4am and then had to take .1 clonidine to go back to sleep.

I also took 20mg Addreall this morning which really boosted my focus and energy, thank goodness.  I was pretty depressed waking up today, day 13.

I went and had some fresh fruit and a pastry but I had to force myself to do it.  It was fantastic as usual.  I did also force myself to run up 12 flights of stairs so far today.  Sitting, laying in bed is making me depressed.

I didn't smoke cannabis until later in the afternoon which helped not feel so tired.  But I do think the tiredness and fatigue are from the lingering effects of the last bit of Suboxone and that suck ass depression that follows opiate withdrawal.

The pain is finally leaving but the depression is what I'm battling now.

There is also still that underlining inside my bone feeling of wanting to be satisfied.  It's what we call cravings, they're very strong and a constant reminder of the present moment.  Knowing just one small dose would take me to heaven is an unbelievable temptation.

But for only temporal gain.  So not worth it.

If heaven is so close why do we choose to go through hell to get there?