Day Eleven

My last dose of Suboxone was on day 9 and it was only 1mg.

Drug intake today was 20mg adderall which will be gone soon.  Went to the local weed store and bought some cannibas oil to smoke, Advil, Xanax to sleep, and my trusty vape.  My vape seems to have become by best friend through this, as I have't even talked about, I quit smoking (cigarettes at least) also on day 3.

Im still in minor pain.  Its bearable but it's still very much there.  I'm crying on and off throughout the day, my bones still hurt, my mind is overwhelmed with a thousand thoughts, it's still hard to sleep, and I'm still cold all the time.

This quick taper from heroin then to suboxone and now with nothing in 11 days has been pretty painful.

No matter what way you go about heroin withdrawal, you can't beat it.  You just have to give in to the pain and endure it till it's over.  You have to surrender, you have no power not to.

But isn't that like the movies we watch.  Some great character lives this great life and then something bad happens and then in the end they find victory.

Those kind of stories and movies are what give us hope that it's all worth it.  I watched Ben Hur last night (the new one) and the movie just gripped me.  The movie was amazing good, then bad blood, then good again, then horrible, then revenge, then victory, then at the end the movie it just broke me., it really broke me.  I was on my knees sobbing.

When you start to feel again, it's fucking amazing!

And I think this is the main point of what I'm saying.

"It's the hero's journey we all want to be a part of."

For instance, I wouldn't want to write a blog that proclaims the victory of heroin addiction.  No, I would want to write a blog about how a heroin addict beat the addiction and became balanced.  And lived with renewed energy and became even more a change in the world than he was before.

Those are the stories we want to hear and watch.

Those kind that give us hope that there is a way out and we aren't alone in this world and we all have endless potential.

That we aren't who we've believed we were for all those years in finding our identity, lying to ourselves about our worth.  That we don't have to be the false person we front each and every day.  We don't have to be that fake person, we can be ourselves.

The story that tells you at the end, love and mercy for all and everyone is saved.  That's what we want, more of that.  Because its true, it is possible, you can beat heorin, it doesn't have to kill you.

I've been around the block a few times.  What I can say is, it's a very loud world with so many pieces to it, no piece is better than another, so then, find your piece and join in the noise.  I could choose to die to heroin and go quietly into the night or I can find my piece in this universe and make some noise!

If you're not giving your taking.  If you aren't loving your hating.  And if you are not producing you are consuming.  Don't just consume, don't just produce.  Do both.  Live a balanced life.

Do not let heroin control you nor let control control you, find the balance, this is better.

It's my hope that through each day I write I gain more ability and insight to share what I've learned and have experienced in this world, and in doing, contribute my noise to the universe.

I do know this.  I'm happy to be alive.  I'm happy to have beaten heroin once again.  That wasn't fun this wasn't easy.  But I did it...which means anything is possible.