Day Ten

Grateful.  Blessed.  Happy.  Excited.  Thankful.

I have this underlining feeling of gratitude.  I actually laughed last night at myself over some random thought and immediately realized I haven't laughed in ages.

The smile on my face immediately became tears of joy.  I can feel again.  Im so so so relieved.

I decided last night that I'm going to keep writing everyday about my journey to sobriety.  I figured it would be a way to be accountable and at the same time give me something to contribute, even if I'm the only reader.  At least its something I'm giving out rather than always taking.

Plus I want to prove the people wrong that say you must do it this way or you must do it that way.

I dosed my last dose of subs I had yesterday.  It is only 1mg.  I feel fine, some stomach issues and still bit of fatigue but I'm up and out so I feel pretty normal.

If I would have went to a sub doctor or rehab I'd be on suboxone continually and have just as hard a time to get off that as I have heroin.

I will still be aided by cannibus as is legal here in Washington, it really helped after the first few days to try and forget the pain and just get through the day.  Also, I do have a few adderall still that helps with focus but I'm only taking the usual prescribed 20mg a day.  Also, I have 2gm left of xanax for the next few nights if I can't sleep.  I also have some clonidine which I have't needed but keep anyway in case I ever do.

But my idea for continuing to write is to see if I can get to a fully detoxified mind and body.  Be fully clean off every substance.  I want to see if my mind is better or worse, If I do good or do bad, if being high is better or if being sober is better.  I will be typing each day what I do, where I go, what I do what I do and then the result of it all.

I've been away from my wife and kids this entire 10 days alone, in a hotel room, doing this alone.

I get all my substances off the darknet and have been since it started with Silkroad in 2011.  I took breaks throughout the years but I always tend to return for some small issue.

Like last year, I was even addicted to Kratom, it went heroin to suboxone to kratom.  It took months to get off Kratom even, its legal, but I didn't like being addicted.  So I spend day after day slowing lowering my tolerance until one days I didn't need it anymore. Also all last year I was doing cocaine along with LSD, mushrooms, estacy, and every other drug you can name.

I was fully clean and sober last summer.  No drinking, smoking, weed, nothing.  Fully straight edge.  I remember attending our annual summer picnic, total sober, totally straight, and I didn't like it.  I didn't like not having a beer to loosen up.  I didn't enjoy all the people I lead like I used to, and that was being totally straight.

I remember feeling good but not great.  I remember I wasn't waking up in the morning happy.  I wanted to experiment and see what I could do to wake up happy everyday.  Not having some kind of substance in my body made me feel unbalanced.  At least from what I can remember.

And so I did what a teenager would do, went to a music festival.  Im not a teenager either, I'm almost 40.

I ended up attending some music festivals last summer and it was pretty freaking amazing.  No matter what anyone tells you, music festivals are a fascinating thing.  I love that I can be anything and do anything and it doesn't matter.  Not do bad things but stuff like paint your face and dress up whatever you want to express yourself.

But drugs are always involved.  They are the life blood of music festivals.  They are what give it so much energy.  So I began to dabble deeper and deeper until I was full blown addicted to heroin again.

I've purposely lived my life wanting to find my own way.  Growing up without a father figure and a drug infested childhood you would then know why I've been battling substances since I could remember.  That survival mentality I have is probably why I've been able to build a multimillion dollar business even though I had straight F's though high school and dropped out like my entire family.

Actually there are many factors why I am where I am.  But for today, all I know is that I'm happy.  And that's all that truly matters today.

Oh, and as I left my hotel room this morning, it was surreal.

The only person or thing that didn't leave me was that part of me that's connected to everything.  God if you will.  I love that part of my existence, that part that never judges me or despises me, the part that doesn't need to say anything to comfort me just because they don't have to.  That part that says I love you and you are good and you are important.  I love that.  That power that dwells in that spiritual place is the most gentle, most loving, most caring power that exist.

I'n the darkest night of my soul I was not alone.